Seriously, Vancouver.

I KNOW you’re not all from here.

You’re also not all from warmer places if you’re not from here.

I see you, Saskatchewanites. I see you, Ontarioans. I see you, PEOPLE OF THE YUKON!

So what the hell is WRONG with all of you?

I know it doesn’t snow around here very often, so yes, yes… most people think the SKY IS FALLING! and that everything should be canceled and that someone should install a t-bar to your local Starbucks.

But there’s just one little practical thing that you’re JUST NOT DOING when it snows.

I’m talking to you specifically, drivers.

I’m proud of you for having the courage to drive on slushy, icy roads, but I don’t really know how you plan to navigate your vehicle if you CAN’T FREAKING WELL SEE ANYTHING AT ALL NOT ONE THING.

That’s right.

CLEAN OFF YOUR WINDOWS.

I saw so many cars this morning that had EVERY window covered in snow, save for the double-arc tracks of windshield wipers.

EVERY WINDOW. AND YOUR MIRRORS.

Yet you were driving along merrily like you weren’t a ONE TON ROCKET OF ICY DEATH.

Would you go for a walk with a pillowcase on your head? Would you?

Would you walk into traffic with your noggin completely covered in 650 thread-count blindness?

And then if someone asked you BEFORE YOU STEPPED INTO TRAFFIC if that wasn’t a LITTLE DANGEROUS, would you say…

“Oh, it’ll blow off as I go.”

Right, right. Of course.

AFTER YOU KILL A BUNCH OF NUNS AND SCHOOLCHILDREN AND OLD PEOPLE AND BARISTAS, THAT IS, YOU MORON.

I’m just saying.

Oh, it’s a rainin’. And it’s gonna rain for DAYS.

And DAYS.

And DAYS.

The worst part? No one can assure me it will EVER STOP.

Least of all the weather people in Vancouver, who have a thankless, humiliating job akin to being a stand-up comic with NO MATERIAL.

So, in order to get through these days of wet ankles and fluffy hair and SuperGulp puddles, I propose we go somewhere else.

Mentally.

It’s the ultimate Economy Class.

So close your eyes (well, you can open them to type, if you want) and put yourself wherever you want to be…

1. Ideal vacation spot?

2. Ideal accommodations?

3. Ideal daytime activities?

4. Ideal nighttime activities?

5. Ideal transportation?

6. Ideal cuisine?

7. Ideal companions?

Do tell.

Oh, chile… Friday was a long day at the end of a long week at the end (well, a day after) of a long month.

I was spent. 2008 is working me thus far.

I ended up falling asleep sitting up yesterday.

Whoa, you know? But every day is a new day.

And, given a new day, I did 10 things:

1. Slept in late after sleeping for seven hours solid. That’s rare.

2. Had peanut butter toast and coffee while watching HGTV in my pajamas.

3. Got the best manicure-pedicure EVER. Seriously. Why did I ever go anywhere else? This girl reefed on my calluses like she was digging her way out of prison. I have baby feet. BABY FEET.

4. Sat out on the pier in the sunshine and drank a caramel macchiato.

5. Became confused about Groundhog Day, and actually asked, “Now, what’s the thing they stick down the hole? What do they use for that? A gopher?” I still can’t explain where my brain went in that moment.

6. Took the longest, hottest shower on record with my happy brown sugar scrub, emerging both smooth and cookie-scented.

7. Crawled back into bed after that, giant towel wrapped around my head.

8. Got up, glammed up, went out for dinner (see above…)

9. Ate so much Greek food, I may well pop. And leave a faint smell of garlic in the air.

10. Caught my heel in the sidewalk next to my house, and squished my toe when I flew out of my shoe in a garlic-scented trajectory.

Best day ever? Maybe.

Spent too much money? Absolutely.

Relaxed? Almost.

And you?