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1. The discovery of actual science in Scientology.
2 Ralph Nader, POTUS.
3. Independent musicians discover shampoo
4. Heat rash: The New Tan
5. McDonalds and Starbucks compete for slogan: “Cheaper than gas!”
6. Baseball players without itchy parts
7. Blogging: Olympic Demonstration Sport Vancouver 2010
8. Tequila Altoids
9. Oprah Winfrey: “Don’t put my name on that one…”
10. Global Warming offset by overproduction of Ben and Jerry’s
11. You aren’t turning into your mom
12. Meg Fowler: “Oooh, this is too salty.”
13. Everyone looks good in skinny jeans
14. Spiders, clowns, butterflies, bees rendered extinct
15. Pope refers to nuns as “ma bitchez”

Seriously, Vancouver.

I KNOW you’re not all from here.

You’re also not all from warmer places if you’re not from here.

I see you, Saskatchewanites. I see you, Ontarioans. I see you, PEOPLE OF THE YUKON!

So what the hell is WRONG with all of you?

I know it doesn’t snow around here very often, so yes, yes… most people think the SKY IS FALLING! and that everything should be canceled and that someone should install a t-bar to your local Starbucks.

But there’s just one little practical thing that you’re JUST NOT DOING when it snows.

I’m talking to you specifically, drivers.

I’m proud of you for having the courage to drive on slushy, icy roads, but I don’t really know how you plan to navigate your vehicle if you CAN’T FREAKING WELL SEE ANYTHING AT ALL NOT ONE THING.

That’s right.

CLEAN OFF YOUR WINDOWS.

I saw so many cars this morning that had EVERY window covered in snow, save for the double-arc tracks of windshield wipers.

EVERY WINDOW. AND YOUR MIRRORS.

Yet you were driving along merrily like you weren’t a ONE TON ROCKET OF ICY DEATH.

Would you go for a walk with a pillowcase on your head? Would you?

Would you walk into traffic with your noggin completely covered in 650 thread-count blindness?

And then if someone asked you BEFORE YOU STEPPED INTO TRAFFIC if that wasn’t a LITTLE DANGEROUS, would you say…

“Oh, it’ll blow off as I go.”

Right, right. Of course.

AFTER YOU KILL A BUNCH OF NUNS AND SCHOOLCHILDREN AND OLD PEOPLE AND BARISTAS, THAT IS, YOU MORON.

I’m just saying.

Oh, it’s a rainin’. And it’s gonna rain for DAYS.

And DAYS.

And DAYS.

The worst part? No one can assure me it will EVER STOP.

Least of all the weather people in Vancouver, who have a thankless, humiliating job akin to being a stand-up comic with NO MATERIAL.

So, in order to get through these days of wet ankles and fluffy hair and SuperGulp puddles, I propose we go somewhere else.

Mentally.

It’s the ultimate Economy Class.

So close your eyes (well, you can open them to type, if you want) and put yourself wherever you want to be…

1. Ideal vacation spot?

2. Ideal accommodations?

3. Ideal daytime activities?

4. Ideal nighttime activities?

5. Ideal transportation?

6. Ideal cuisine?

7. Ideal companions?

Do tell.

Oh, chile… Friday was a long day at the end of a long week at the end (well, a day after) of a long month.

I was spent. 2008 is working me thus far.

I ended up falling asleep sitting up yesterday.

Whoa, you know? But every day is a new day.

And, given a new day, I did 10 things:

1. Slept in late after sleeping for seven hours solid. That’s rare.

2. Had peanut butter toast and coffee while watching HGTV in my pajamas.

3. Got the best manicure-pedicure EVER. Seriously. Why did I ever go anywhere else? This girl reefed on my calluses like she was digging her way out of prison. I have baby feet. BABY FEET.

4. Sat out on the pier in the sunshine and drank a caramel macchiato.

5. Became confused about Groundhog Day, and actually asked, “Now, what’s the thing they stick down the hole? What do they use for that? A gopher?” I still can’t explain where my brain went in that moment.

6. Took the longest, hottest shower on record with my happy brown sugar scrub, emerging both smooth and cookie-scented.

7. Crawled back into bed after that, giant towel wrapped around my head.

8. Got up, glammed up, went out for dinner (see above…)

9. Ate so much Greek food, I may well pop. And leave a faint smell of garlic in the air.

10. Caught my heel in the sidewalk next to my house, and squished my toe when I flew out of my shoe in a garlic-scented trajectory.

Best day ever? Maybe.

Spent too much money? Absolutely.

Relaxed? Almost.

And you?

So I woke up to a foot of snow this morning.

Well, in all honesty, I can’t really gauge what a foot of snow looks like, and I didn’t have a ruler, so I just ASSUMED it was a foot of snow because it ate my boot! Up past my ankle! Woo!

It was even kind of dry and fluffy, which was AWESOME. That’s not the kind of snow we get here at all. I always compare Vancouver snow days to living in a 7-Up Slurpee.

And true to form, that’s what it looks like outside now. Two hours and two degrees make ALLLL the difference.

(Unless the degrees are in Art History and Comparative Literature.)

Blech.

Also? My boots are SOAKING WET.

Also? PEOPLE KEEP POKING AT MY PUFFY COAT.

Also?

Wait, I don’t have another also. I’ll think of one, though.

Hey!

It’s freakin’ snowing!

Awesome!

(Buzz, not a word about my photos going outside the lines. What are you, a kindergarten teacher?)

Or sorta, at least:

I was kinda unprepared (thank you, phone camera.)

BUT! While I was out, I saw two fun things (taken with phone camera, too):

Oranges with pet names…

And EGGPLANT PENGUINS!

That’s just weird. Nutritious, yes. But weird.

And here’s me in a shot taken by Justine’s camera phone (in Justine’s glasses) while out with my peeps last night:

Elton, or chic? You decide.

The best part of last night was Catherine and I inadvertently ending up out for dinner at a pub that was ACTIVELY celebrating Robbie Burns Day. We laughed so hard, we could barely eat. It was AWESOME.

Singing! Dancing! Shouting!

YEAH!

WOO!

HEY!

Wanna vote for me at the Canadian Blog Awards?

Okay! Go here:

Best Personal Blog

Best Blog Post

And want to vote for Angella, whom I love? Okay! Go here:

Best Blog Citizen (and she is!)

Best Blog Post Series

Oh yeah! And you should vote for Rebecca for Best Local Blog, too.

Whew!

Whew.

On my way home yesterday, I actually almost got nailed by a bucket flying off the third floor of a construction site. So it was, you know, kinda dangerous and stuff.

Traffic was backed up, people were underdressed for the sudden “cold snap”, and me?

I was alternating between being deliriously happy in the cold, clear weather… and wanting to kill my fellow commuters because a) HOW CAN YOU TAKE A BUS EVERY DAY AND STILL NOT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE STANDING OR MOVING DOWN THE AISLE OR LETTING PEOPLE OUT; b) MOVE SO THE OLD MAN CAN SIT DOWN; and c) NO, YOU SHOULDN’T GRAB AT MY iPOD BECAUSE IT LOOKS INTERESTING WITHOUT WARNING ME.

Sigh.

Come on, people.

Then I was in a grocery store lineup for 30 minutes while a new cashier dealt with a man with approximately 1,200 coupons, a thick Russian accent, and a great deal of residual anger from SOMETHING, I don’t even know what.

By the time I was in the home stretch towards my place, I was actually running gleefully through the wind with my groceries, giggling like a fiend to not be on a bus or in a line or in weather-appropriate clothing.

Vancouver, you don’t know how to handle much.

But you sure looked fabulous this morning, all clear and sunrise-y and glowing and cool.

So I guess it’s worth it.

When I left my house today, it was kind of misty out.

You know, that jolly West Coast “keeps my skin moist!” kind of damp stuff that Vancouverites ignore because hey, it’s what makes us green.

But that didn’t last long.

No, by the time I was two blocks from work, we were in the midst of a full-on downpour that flooded the streets with Lake Erie-size puddles and raging rapids that seemed more suited to rafts than boots.

I had my umbrella in my bag, so only the wind-driven drops managed to catch me (of which there were many.) But other people were not so lucky, and looked as though they’d showered in their clothes as we stood in line for coffee.

Then the sky turned blue! By the time I got into work, of course.

Now it’s a strange yellow colour, and I’m waiting for the locusts.

Happy Wednesday, Vancouver!

It’s raining in Vancouver.

HOW NOVEL.

I know that no one needs to read another post about how soggy it is here, but GOSH.

I can’t believe — even after spending years and years and years on the West Coast and breaking at least 30 umbrellas in windstorms (and one in an escalator, but that’s a long story) and owning galoshes and even sporting a yellow rubber coat when it was less than chic to do so in my high school years — just how WET our winters have become.

Every morning sky is gray like a sodden wool sock. Every patch of grass is a mini-swamp, roiling with ecstatic worms. Every street is a minor river system with lakes born of leaf-plugged gutters.

If you have to be outside in it at all, you’re going to get a little damp, even if you have a GoreTex “system” you bought at Coast Mountain or MEC for $700.

Why?

Because it’s also WINDY. No matter where or how you stand, you’re guaranteed a shower of droplets across your face and body. You can’t hide from it under awnings or overhangs, either, because the wind will blow the rain in at you. My open bedroom window even offered a small weather system this morning, with sprinkles of wet across the side of my face not squished into my pillow.

It’s COLD, too. Why is it so cold? According to the temperature, it’s not that cold, but I think the wind and the rain sink into our bones with a special kind of penetrative power (did I just say “penetrative power”? I think I read that phrase in my Spam Folder) that facilitates a day-long chill.

All in all, I’m kind of done with it. You can’t arrive at work dry unless you go from underground parking to underground parking, you can’t walk across a sidewalk without drenching your shoes straight up from the soles (goodbye, sweet Pretend Uggs), and you can’t make plans to do anything outside unless you’ve got towels ready for the drive home.

Ergh.

I’m lucky to work inside, I know. And I’m lucky that my city is so green and fresh and alive. Really, there are lots of people who LIKE the rain, including my wonky upcoming Californian house guest. I don’t even hate it when it’s more of a mist or a shower… or anything other than a fire hose as soon as you walk out the door.

But I wouldn’t mind a bit of nice, fluffy-dry snow and a nose-rosy day that didn’t send rivulets of water down my neck into my underwear.

(I know. Mental picture. You’re welcome.)

I’m not planning to move anytime soon, so I guess I’m going to have to learn to deal with it more effectively. I just have serious resistance to capitulating to weather systems I can’t stand, much like I have serious resistance to buying books with the “O” on the cover.

But this is the city I live in, and they put it on Faulkner. So.

Someone pass me a blow dryer. And a robe. And some waffles, just because.

Hello peaches!

(Do you mind being referred to as a fuzzy fruit that bruises easily? No? Harvey Fierstein jokes notwithstanding…)

It’s Monday already, and despite the fact that it’s sunny and fresh and cool outside in Vancouver, I’m feeling a little… oh, I don’t know… sluggish? Snailish? Decorative rock gardenish? Something likewise still?

Everyone goes on and on about how hard it is to get motivated at the beginning of the week, unless they happen to be one of those people who says things like I SLEEP THREE HOURS A NIGHT IN FIFTEEN MINUTE SHIFTS and I’M JUST THANKFUL FOR ANOTHER WEEK TO FOLLOW MY PASSIONS and LIVE EVERY DAY LIKE IT MIGHT BE YOUR LAST and MY NAME IS DAVID AND I’M A SPEED ADDICT.

I’m generally fine with week-ginnings. I’m just bloody tired TODAY for some reason.

So how about we make it easy? This blog post, that is.

Tell me…

1. What’s the weather like where you are?
2. Do you have pants on?
3. What’s the last thing you ate?
4. If you could get anything at all for Christmas — $1,000 limit — what would it be?
5. Do you like your middle name?
6. Any questions?