megfowler.com

This was honestly one of the funniest posts that has ever appeared on my blog, and certainly not because of the writing… no, no.

It was all about the comments. Seriously. Read them. Go do it now.

I couldn’t believe how many absolutely magical trashy confessions you guys came up with.

And because it’s a rainy Wednesday, and because I have a headache, and because I feel like it, I figured we should dip into the well of shame once again and give class a pass!

Throw open those closets! Pull out those skeletons!

Show me the bag of ranch-flavoured Cornuts in your desk drawer! Reveal the playlist with NKOTB on your iPod! Tell me what you wear in the privacy of your own home when no one but Judge Alex can look out at you from the TV!

Here are mine:

MEG’S 2007 TRASHY CONFESSIONS:

1. I have songs by all the following artists on my iPod (in one single playlist, in fact): K7, Notorious B.I.G, Ginuwine, Jordan Knight, Def Leppard, Guns N Roses, KISS, and AC/DC. I know they don’t go together. That’s why I love that playlist. And hide my iPod so no one can see the screen when I’m listening to it on the bus.

2. I actually considered getting “skinny” (and that’s a misnomer, considering my ass) jeans to wear with my future Uggs. Yeah. Did you hear that? That was the sound of the universe shattering into a thousand pieces. And all to avoid bunchy ankles with the updated version of moonboots. Or mukluks. Or wearing an entire sheep on your foot.

3. I have a big crush on Armando Montelongo on Flip This House. He’s a jerk a good portion of the time. He plays practical jokes on people. He treats his project managers like crap. Yet? I’d let him flip my house anyday.

4. I type my first name into Google.ca and Google.com to see where I am in the results: #5 for Meg on Google.ca today, and #13 on Google.com. Bastards.

5. I have more kinds of lip gloss than I have all of the following in combination: shoes, pants, and sweaters. Clearly I think it’s going to keep me warm.

6. I once killed a man, just to watch him die. JUST KIDDING.

7. I really love how my voice sounds when I have laryngitis. So I’ll sing the national anthem really loudly when I feel it going, just to help the process along.

8. My keychain looks like a giant engagement ring. No, I didn’t buy it (Matt and Catherine!) But I use it.

9. I like the garlic fries at Safeco Field, the scary artificial nachos at GM Place, and the cotton candy at Nat Bailey Stadium.

10. I embrace the power of cleavage.

11. I own a giant white beanbag chair. It got sent to my office. I can’t figure out how to get it home. More on that later.

Okay… so tell me.

What’s trashy about YOU?

I love a good smoothie.

And I really love to have a good smoothie in the morning.

That’s why I poured myself a big ol’ glass of Extreme Green to wake me up with fruity goodness this very AM.

The glass was sitting on the bathroom counter as I was removing the velcro rollers from my hair. Once they were all out, I took a big long gulp. Then I brushed out my hair and went to pick up my hairspray to do a little anti-humidity once-over.

You know, the can of hairspray right next to my smoothie. Shake shake!

A moment later, covered in smoothie from my neck to my knees, I thought perhaps I was the most cool girl alive.

***

I love doing laundry.

And I really love doing laundry when I’ve got a brand new bottle of detergent and a brand new pack of Bounce sheets, and a giant load of whites that need some good lovin’ whitening.

I don’t use bleach too often these days, though.

I mean, I still love it… but I’ve also been on the receiving end of lectures from family and friends about the relentless and ongoing way I’m breaking down the fibres in my clothing, but yesterday I decided to put a little — just a little! — in to give my towels a touch of sparkle.

Unfortunately, when I picked up that giant Costco-esque bottle of bleach to pour some in, I chose the dryer instead.

Fortunately, the darks were still sitting on top. But I still managed to pour it on my feet when I jerked the bottle back from the machine in horror.

Right then, I knew I was special.

***

I tried to kill a mosquito, and smacked myself in the face.

I tried to bake a potato, and left it in the oven — which I didn’t turn on — for two days.

I vacuumed up my own pant leg.

***

Really, do you think I might be a little distracted?

People!

I have two major posts brewing: one on our vacation, and one on the current (and delicious!) hockey season.

They will both be magical.

Unfortunately, I CAN’T DO THEM BECAUSE I HAVE NO TIME. Kind of. Sort of. But they’re coming! They are!

Until then, let’s catch up a bit, shall we?

1. How is everyone doing?
2. How is the weather where you are?
3. Are you wearing pants?
4. Do you wish you weren’t?
5. What are you making me for lunch?
6. What was the last song you heard?
7. If you could use one word to describe me, what would it be?
8. If you could use one word to describe marshmallows, what would it be?

House flipping and home design shows.

Rock, paper, scissor.

White callas.

Hot sauce.

Lysol.

Feist’s new album.

Clean towels.

Daydreaming.

Laughing on the radio.

Singing really loud when I’m alone.

Pacifica candles.

Fight club references.

Winking.

Tipping.

Hoping.

“found dent in head”

“don’t think about leaving things plugged in”

“lyrics+november rain”

“head dent+brain tumour”

“eyelashes always tangle”

“ryan reynolds+hair products”

“head dent+mental illness”

“coffee good for skin”

“re-potting plants without trauma”

“radical change in sleep patterns+head dent”

WHY IS THIS PHOTO SHOWING UP ON IMAGE SEARCHES FOR SAN DIEGO?

I totally plan to do that when we’re there.

Tomorrow evening, we’re dancing off into a Californian sunset, and I cannot TELL you how EXCITING this is.

Dry air. Sunshine. Beaches. Palm trees. Peet’s coffee. A new shift key for my iBook at a Genius Bar.

MAGIC, I say. MAGIC.

But before this can happen, I have to:

Finish a ton of work
Do something to my hair to fix it
Answer 89,000 emails
Do my laundry
Pack my suitcase and carry-on
Clean my house
Run errands
Pay bills

WHEW.

I’m a tad scatterish.

If you have any:

packing advice
news on international flying regulation changes
haiku about busyness
questions for the universe
lottery windfalls to share

… just let me know!

Back at it!

The following search terms have recently led VERY SCARY PEOPLE to this website:

“can’t sleep can’t sleep or the clowns will creep” (ack!)
“monark butterfly” (scary AND spelled incorrectly!)
“slithers into your ear” (wha? ew!)
“fear of touching peaches” (why?)
“puffy itchy running eyes” (ALLERGY SEASON IS OVER. WE DON’T DISCUSS THIS WHEN ALLERGY SEASON IS OVER.)

I’m totally unsettled.

** A device I could attach to manbrains to give me a readout of their thoughts. I realize most of the time I just wouldn’t want to know, but it would save me ever having to ask a “girl question” again.

** The non-stinging bee.

** A way to stop time when I have 48 hours worth of things to do in a 24-hour day.

** A volume knob for my voice that people could adjust to their heart’s content — and I could just keep yammering on as usual.

** Tweezers that said soothing things when you realize you just plucked off your arch.

** A “weirdo” forcefield to keep space violators from rubbing against me on transit.

** A mechanism like those post-surgery pet head cones that would keep me focused on what the hell I’m supposed to be doing, rather than 30 not-so-crucial things around me.

** A fake-tanning cream that made me look like Sophia Loren on a yacht.

** A giant alarm in my head that stops me when I’m about to react irrationally or say something that will get me in trouble.

** A dryer that doesn’t take two hours to get my towels fluffy.

** A lovely coffee-like drink would make falling asleep seem natural, be completely non-addictive, not leave me feeling like crud in the morning, and would give me only pleasant dreams (see: flying; John Cusack; surfing; winning Booker Prize; having babies; being ridiculously good-looking)

** A conversation eraser, when I’ve said something impossibly weird at the wrong time.

** A purse that would automatically make crumpled receipts, unlidded lipsticks, uncapped pens, and melty chocolate disappear, instead of trashing everything else in there.

Whaddya think?

Any possibilities there?

What would you like to invent?

justin timberlake
squealy girls call out your name
i am twice their age

Get the rest here.

But a better shot of the new bangs:

And whoa on the camera phone. That baby is decent.