We all have things that make us cringe or squeal or shiver or panic or run awkwardly in the opposite direction. I call these “personal skeeves”, because each of us has a snowflake-unique set of freak-out triggers.
It may seem like “skeeve” is too small a word for something that makes you scream or flee, but it fits when the thing itself is small and inconsequential… and yet your reaction is HUGE.
Some of them make obvious sense, like various insects who appear suddenly in small spaces, and seem to want to get to know you like, RIGHT NOW. Some do not, like the sound people make when they eat bananas.
(That doesn’t freak anyone else out? Guh.)
Here are mine, in no particular order, without justification.
Wet socks (squooshsquooshsquoosh)
Raspberry syrup in a coffee beverage (Coffee + fruit flavoring = fruffee)
Soggy fish sticks (not a euphemism)
Glade Plug-Ins (hey! you know what would make Febreze better? IF WE PLUGGED IT IN)
The feeling of a too-short fingernail, especially when the revealed skin accidentally touches things (I actually shivered violently as I typed that)
The sound of styrofoam squeaking against styrofoam (the only negative aspect of buying fun electronics or cheap gas station coffee… well, the latter has some negative aspects similar to battery acid)
“Butter flavor” nonstick spray (I can’t believe you don’t think it tastes like not-butter)
Lips lined outside of the lip line (no one’s buying it, honey)
Online health forums about skin conditions (it’s a WHAT?!)
Microwave popcorn smell (oily napalm)
Rats, mice, or any other rodent that likes to run around at night and poop on things (do I do that to YOUR kitchen? I don’t think so)
Cockroaches, full stop (I can’t. Especially how they click when they walk, like they’re wearing tiny Louboutins)
Things with artificial melon scent (melon-y napalm)
Rattling, extended, gargly coughs in public places (can I get you a tissue? or a spittoon? or a Big Gulp cup?)
Coffee creamer, especially the oily liquid kind, in Irish Cream flavor (you’re not drinking coffee anymore. you’re drinking a melted Frappuccino)
The tape aisle at Staples (can’t really explain this one, but there’s something unsettling about all that… sticky)
Under-set Jell-O (IT’S NOT READY)
The condiment aisle at Costco (sir, if you’re not buying that 10 gallon vat of mayo for a restaurant, I’m sending the police to rescue the 70 lobsters you’ve got waiting in your bathtub and seize your trunkfull of rolls)
Moldy lettuce (you know what’s better than a nice vinaigrette? decay!)
Custard (if I was looking for something bland and not-quite-sweet and unpleasant after dinner, I’d get an eHarmony account)
Overcooked pasta (were you trying to make custard?)
Wool against the skin (involuntary twitch, again)
Hairless cats (yes, kids, the plucked turkey goes in the oven, but Alopecia over there gets to sleep on the sofa in the living room)
Fruitcake (it’s a cake that you soak in stuff for a long time and it lasts forever! like embalmed banana bread!)