I’ve written a bit about body image and weight issues.
I do that because I have both of those things, and have had them since I was a much younger woman, in what seems now like a completely different life. For years, I was the “pretty face” or the best-friend-not-girlfriend, stuck in a body I didn’t recognize after a childhood of being rather… average-sized. Maybe even small.
I know now this happened was because I experienced extremely early-onset menopause at 17 or 18, and autoimmune problems that changed the way my hormones and metabolism did and do their jobs. These same issues rendered me infertile, and have made it challenging for me to take weight off ever since.
I can write about these things in a very matter-of-fact way — though I may not feel matter-of-fact about them — because there’s no hiding from them. When you meet me, you know it: I am not a delicate flower. I’m not happy with that reality, but I accept that it’s true, and I work around it and in spite of it, as best I can.
It helps that I am in a relationship with someone who loves me not in spite of my weight, but because of who I am. I say “helps” because love is not a magic wand that makes all my scars disappear. What it does is make me more eager to get past the things I struggle with, and to see myself and my possibilities through his eyes.
Part of that eagerness also bubbles up in wanting to help other women — whether they are just like me, or utterly unlike me — see themselves as beautiful and full of value.
Because we’re not good at that.
Those of us struggle with our weight aren’t. Those of us who can’t put weight on aren’t. Those of us who seem perfectly in tune with their bodies aren’t. Anorexics aren’t. Bulimics aren’t. EDNOS sufferers aren’t. Those of us struggling with health concerns aren’t.
So much so that appearance-content women seem almost like unicorns.
But they shouldn’t be. Self-acceptance is something that should be hard-wired into each one of us, regardless of the things we’d like to do to feel more comfortable or healthy or confident. It should be the baseline, because how we look is just one facet of who we are.
But it also happens to be the only one everyone else can see — and judge.
I want so badly for women to be kind in how they speak about themselves and others. I want us to expand our idea of what beautiful is… or at least to try.
That’s why I have five things.
Five things any one of us can do.
Five things to make all women more beautiful. Not all overweight women. Not all underweight women. Not all curvy women. Not all slender women. Not all tall women. Not all short women. Not all healthy women. Not all health-struggling women. Not all confident women. Not all insecure women.
All women.
I don’t know if you’ll end up wanting to try any of them… but I believe that many more of us deserve to see ourselves clearly and kindly.
So.
1. Abandon your assumptions. There are many reasons women are larger, smaller, and all the stops in between. By assuming that an overweight person is lazy and prone to binging, or that a thinner person starves themselves and exercises pathologically, you’re choosing to believe that life is only as complicated as your eyes tell you it is. Many women that would be described as “fat” exercise twice as much as women that would be commonly identified as “skinny”. Many women who are skinny consume multiple meals a day to keep up with a hyper-charged metabolism, while some fat women starve themselves without “success.” And some women who seem utterly average and completely healthy aren’t… not inside. We all make assumptions based on how others look. Work on that, and you give people the freedom to tell their own story — or not.
2. Figure out your filters. Maybe you grew up with overweight parents, or with a mother who pinched your waist if she thought you had gained an inch. Maybe you belonged to a community where appearances were everything… or where they didn’t matter at all. Maybe you were always expected to look a certain way, and maybe no one ever noticed how you looked, for better or for worse.
Regardless, we all have ways of looking at the world, at one another, and at ourselves that are colored by our experience. If you can figure out the filters you’ve collected and where you collected them, you’ll begin to see why and how you judge others, why and how you might be unforgiving of your own body, and why and how you’ve developed a particular standard for beauty.
As GI Joe said, knowing is half the battle.
In this case, though, it’s part of finding peace.
3. Let go of the lectures. I have friends who are South Beach enthusiasts, Weight Watchers enthusiasts, Jenny Craig enthusiasts, Paleo enthusiasts, vegan enthusiasts, foodie enthusiasts, Crossfit enthusiasts, P90X enthusiasts, running enthusiasts, gym enthusiasts, yoga enthusiasts, crash diet enthusiasts… and friends who despise each of those things to the point of enthusiasm. What they all have in common is the fervency with which they share their passions. Do they have a right to be passionate about their interests? Totally. Do they have a right to know what works for them? Yes. Is there anything wrong with having deep convictions about lifestyle? Certainly not.
Well… not unless you push that conviction onto others. Here’s the thing: the answers you’ve found to your questions and concerns are just that… yours. I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with people who insisted they could “fix” me (or all of society!) in some way… and a good portion of the time, I’d never actually said I was broken. You can share your life and your excitement — without insisting it’s the only way.
Even if you think so.
4. Stop the (self) sabotage. We can incredibly blunt and careless when we talk about public figures and one another — and even more so when we talk about ourselves. And though we may do it out of insecurity or frustration, it’s toxic, it’s uncomfortable for those around us, it’s unnecessary, and it creates hurts we might not be aware of in others.
I have trashed my appearance so people would know I wasn’t delusional about my “flaws”. I thought that made me seem self-aware, or that it would help me dodge their judgment.
Except they weren’t thinking about it until I mentioned it.
5. Believe in all the bodies. Imagine if we all thought our bodies had value. Imagine if we had even a little bit of reverence about what we’d been given to work with, however flawed we might feel it is at times. Imagine if we found things to praise and encourage in others, instead of things to fuel their insecurity… and ours. Imagine if we had faith in people to change and grow more healthy… without tying it to their appearance?
It seems like we could do everything good we needed to do for ourselves and for others if that were the case — minus all the fuel we get from self-loathing.
Yes, it can light a fire under us, that fuel, and make us do things we feel like we need to do.
But it can also reduce us to ashes.
Five things.
I’m still thinking about them.
I’m going to try to do them.
Maybe you will, too.
Lovely, Meg. Lovely Meg.
I adore your writing, Meg.
You, as always, are such a stunning writer and wickedly intelligent person. I love this, and relate so wholeheartedly with your feelings on this matter. Thank you thank you thank you!!!
Meg…so beautifully written. I really needed this reminder today. I have realized that even pinterest bombards me with what I should do/be and how I can make myself “perfect”. And to think…I thought maybe these struggles ended in adolescence!
I facilitate girls groups in my community – would you mind if I borrowed your 5 things? I think they are such powerful actions!!!
Love this, Meg. And can I build on your second point? We accumulate those filters from a young age, and they aren’t always built on criticism and experience with negative feedback. Sometimes we build self-worth on positive feedback too–and that can create an equally unstable foundation.
We need to recognize effort, not qualities beyond one’s control. I think of how we compliment young girls, especially, on things they cannot control, but rarely give them tools to effect control over changing circumstances. When we compliment 12-year-olds with “you’re so thin,” they may build positive self-worth on qualities that were genetic luck of the draw. Often, genes express themselves differently as they age, metabolisms change, and eating habits don’t. And it’s not just a body image issue. When positive feedback takes the form of “you’re so smart!” or “you’re so fast!” we reward things that may be the result of luck, not hard work. “You studied so hard for that test, and it paid off!” and “Congratulations on all your training to increase your speed!” are types of feedback that allow people to mature and change beyond perceived limits of their genetic predisposition.
I get what you’re saying, but I’ve seen on twitter you eating pastries and drinking your 2000 calorie coffee drinks and eating ice cream and you don’t work out, so I think you’re making excuses for your weight. You say you eat healthy but ice cream and muffins and cupcakes are not. Flavored butters and fatty foods are not.
Portion control, calorie counting, and exercise COULD fix you. But I see you just making more excuses.
Thank you for writing this. As a junior high teacher and mother of three little girls I often wonder what we can do to help girls be confident and not hang their self worth on their body type.
I grew up overweight and have always struggled with body image. In my late twenties I spent literally years getting myself to a weight where I feel really good. And now I am told pretty frequently how “lucky” I am to be “skinny”. I am not skinny. And I have no idea how to react to that comment. But worse than that is when I am told (which happened A LOT) when I was pregnant, “I just hate people like you…” First it’s assuming that I am naturally gifted with great metabolism, but even if I am, I do not profess hatred of people who have thick hair, good singing voices, or social ease–all qualities I would love to have.
Anyway, all that to say yes I wish we could be kind. In how we talk about ourselves and others. We all deserve that.
Hi,
I just had a quick question in regards to your website. If you could email me at your convenience that would be great!
Thanks,
Katie
These 5 things are awesome. I think I need to print them out and paste them up where I can see them each morning!
Beautiful, Meg.
Love the unicorns image. It’s exactly right.
And the five things are right too. I hope to improve in all of them.
I love this Meg!
And Margot, you make a great point!
Self image/worth based on positive feedback can create it’s own problems.
I raised three daughters and now have one grand daughter. I love to praise her
but am trying to be aware of how she may internalize what I say.
just as I thought, you only post your yes-man comments. Nice! that way you can keep lying to yourself with your excuses so that you never have to be held accountable for your weight and lack of exercise and your high caloric intake. You should at least be honest with yourself and try to implement some changes for your husband’s sake if not your own, because i’m sure he would like for you to be around a long time. Cooking at home doesn’t necessarily equal healthy eating either. Face up, own up, and stop rationalizing. It’s not going to go away. I would bet you one thousand dollars that if you would count your calories for one month and keep your intake to 1300 calories per day along with 30 minutes of cardio exercise, you would lose at least 20 pounds in that month.
Try it. Prove me wrong. And be honest.
But I’m sure you won’t as long as you have your enablers hanging around to talk about your beautiful writing, which to me isn’t the point here. Your health is the point, and the way you’re teaching others to make excuses for their laziness too.
Hi Jae,
I actually don’t “edit” comments that don’t agree with my views — I just forget to look in and see if I have new comments, because I don’t get all that many anymore (the results of writing sporadically.) I don’t have notifications go to my email because of all the spam I get. And I approved 3 that loved the post at the same time as yours, so I’m doing a terrible job of thanking my “yes-men” for being so in line with my thinking.
I’ll respond to your comments one at a time, so you know I read them all. And since you don’t know me, hopefully this will provide a clearer picture. I could have just ignored what you had to say — much like you ignored the point of the post — but let’s just indulge this for a couple of minutes.
1. Let’s start with “on Twitter”, you’re seeing me “eating pastries” and “drinking 2000 calorie coffee drinks.” Reality: once a month or so, I have a skim latte that has flavoring in it, and the total calorie count amounts to 240, none of which are from fat. Every other latte I drink is made with multiple shots of espresso and skim milk, which top out at 170 calories (average 120.) However, more often than not, I’m drinking black coffee, no milk, no sugar (too insignificant to measure, calorie-wise.) 2000 calories would be a hell of an effort, but not one I’ve put in.
Let’s see… the other photos. I have taken pictures of a donut at Kane’s Donuts (it was great!), which I’ve been to twice in my life, and shots of various meals and breakfasts, including breakfast treats I make for my stepson, who is 90 lbs soaking wet… treats I don’t eat (but he likes anything with cinnamon, so keep an eye out for more pictures.)
My caloric intake for a day rarely goes over 1,200 calories, and often dives under. That IS a problem for my metabolism, as I often forget to eat. It’s a pain in the ass to go find food when I’ve got work to do, but I need to feed my body more regularly to have whatever function my metabolism actually has, well… work. I’m not a snacker, either, since I tend to enjoy meals with a variety of flavors more than snacks.
The ice cream thing cracked me right up. I’ve had ice cream once or twice a month in total… usually less. But yes, I’m sure if I took a picture of it, I eat it every day…. not. I’ve thrown out ice cream that has frosted over from being ignored in our freezer.
The way I cook and the ingredients I use are not “low fat”, so to speak (I refuse to buy anything with that on the label, or with artificial sweeteners) but I use lean meats, fresh produce, olive oil, and primarily herbs and spices for flavor. I don’t bring processed foods into my home, save for Doritos for the teenage boys. Bread and the associated items (pasta, etc.) aren’t low fat, but I don’t eat them in excess. Overeating is not a challenge for me, actually… I fill up quickly, and rarely eat an entire meal. And again, I bake things for my family I don’t eat myself. But I’m usually pretty proud of how they look (hence the photos.)
I would agree that I go a bit calorie bonkers when I make brunch on Saturdays, but it’s the lone unrushed meal with my husband every week, so I don’t worry about it. You can decide I should, but we’ll disagree there.
I’m not sure how you know I don’t work out — because you don’t — but let’s say I never do a lick of exercise. Unfortunately for that theory, as a commuter in Boston without easy access to everything, I do a good 30 minutes of walking a day, to start. I should do more than that, I agree, and doing housecleaning and chores ups my burn count, but more consistent, dedicated exercise is something I need to fit in — flexibility is a bigger goal for me than weight loss, though, given the hormone concerns. Lately I’ve been taking long walks at lunch — and getting lunch, for once! — and those seem to work well for getting my heart rate up. My office is also at the end of six flights of stairs (we have no elevator) so I could always run up and down those.
So yes. Exercise, you got me. Diet, you don’t have a clue, and you’re fully and fundamentally wrong. Health-wise, I haven’t had a doctor-worthy illness in 3 years, and I have exemplary cholesterol and blood pressure measures.
Regardless, the point was not that I have “settled” for being a particular way, or that I’m making excuses. I didn’t, actually, though I talked about a health struggle.
The point is that we DON’T get any better because we shit on ourselves verbally. The point is that you DON’T know how anyone lives until you ask them. The point is that looking at me DOESN’T tell my whole story — or looking at my Twitter, or Instagram, or whatever the hell else.
But instead of getting the point that a little kindness would make life easier on ALL women — fat, thin, in-between — you 1. assumed things about my life; 2. gave me a lecture about how to live based on how you THINK I live; and 3. not once but TWICE came back because you assumed I wouldn’t listen to your comment.
I did, though.
Back to you.
I think Jae’s comments serve to illustrate that this post is exactly on point.
Hey Meg,
I’ve been thinking about your post for a couple of weeks, and I just wanted to say you are soooo right about how hard we women are on our own and other women’s appearances. I find most men (definitely not all) are more accepting of their bodies and the bodies of the women in their lives.
(That came out sounding just a little creepy, but hopefully you know what I mean.)
I’m guessing that men came out ahead in self-acceptance because they received more positive feedback on what they were able to do, rather than how they looked. That said, I do know there are guys who can be just as hard on themselves as girls, and fellas who’ll cut down a gal’s looks faster than I can flip through US Weekly in the express line.
Still, when the weather heats up, who are the first to bare all to cool off? Men. Ahhh, so practical! We women on the other hand sweat in our long-sleeved cover-ups and moan and groan about needing a personal trainer and probably a therapist after shopping for a bathing suit.
Yep, we do it to ourselves… and most of us have no idea how much damage we’re doing when we talk that way. I sincerely thought that my self-deprecation was funny, and maybe even brave – see how well I can laugh at myself? But it wasn’t until a guy friend asked why I was always putting myself down that I even noticed I did it. He didn’t know me that well, but it’s telling that none of my girlfriends said anything… they were probably too busy doing the same thing.
I still fall back to my self-deprecating ways. I’ll tell you how I’ve failed at something much faster than I would had I rocked it, but I’m getting better. For me the first step was learning to accept a compliment. “Thank you so much,” is just dandy and doesn’t mean you’re vain or full of yourself if it sounds like you agree with them. But it’s funny how hard it is for me to stop at “thank-you” and not add “really it was just luck” or “too bad I bombed that other thing”.
Kinda like how it’s funny you can get a dozen compliments in a day but the one thing that you’ll carry around a whole week is one dumb, insensitive remark by a clueless acquaintance.
Not that I’m pointing any fingers, but seriously, how can anyone read a well written, insightful, and much needed article like yours and then bet a grand on how to lose weight?
Really??
Of course, I’m not saying that anyone around here is clueless, because, well… then I’d just be making assumptions.
Thank you Meg for writing this post. We could all use more beauty in our lives and you’ve shown us that it’s already there. I’ll try my best to do each of those five things… and let you know how it goes.
What a beautiful post. I really needed to read this today. I plan to keep these five things in mind…and I will share this for sure.