the amount of caffeine I consume is roughly commensurate to the size of my eyes any given morning

people who wear too much perfume should be magnetic to random objects, like lips with too much gloss

fashion trends are like bananas — by the time you get them home, they’ve already gone bad

you should get a cookie for every hour of sleep you lose

goldfish never get song lyrics stuck in their heads

the louder the cell phone conversation, the less interesting it will be

people who refuse to dance at weddings should be called the “wallflower bouquet”

once you decide to be happy, a lot of other decisions seem easier

you should have more personality than your glasses