(from 2006)

It’s time to admit…

that I don’t understand how the stock market works.
that I nearly blinded a man with a jujube.
that I used to have dreams that people turned into wolves when I turned my back on them.
that I have never been to see Disneyland or Disneyworld or a chiropractor.
that I add too much salt and lemon to almost everything.
that I have hugged many a tree.
that I felt a strong maternal affinity towards a small raccoon kit wearing a styrofoam cup on his head.
that I didn’t know baby raccoons were called “kits” until this evening.
that I suck at putting Ikea furniture together.
that I know how to hotwire a car and how to pick a lock.
that I sometimes laugh when I am supposed to cry in movies and cry when I am supposed to laugh.
that I love, love, love going to the symphony.
that I will play a fun little game online and think I’ve gotten a super-high score, but when I check the actual high scores, I am always about a million points short of making the leaderboard.
that I read the ends of books before I am even halfway through the rest.
that I should learn when to shut up.
that I should learn when to speak up.
that I can’t remember my Latin declensions to any significant degree.
that I hate disappointing my parents, but I fear it less each year.
that I believe most women could really use a better bra.
that I am too all-or-nothing.
that I sat in box seats at a Britney Spears concert.
that I am stricken by blueberry muffin lust.
that I am hard to surprise, but easy to startle.
that I have indeed shaken it like a Polaroid picture.
that I know you shouldn’t shake Polaroid pictures.
that I don’t always have the most outstanding instincts.
that I know the words to every last one of the American patriotic anthems, but have no memory of learning them.
that I like french fries more than carrot sticks.
that I would rather be yelled at than ignored.
that I enjoy the word boondoggle.
that I know I can sing better and louder than I let on.
that I write screenplays in my head.
that I am not sure whether it was the stream of curse words or the spritz of Windex that killed the spider tonight.
that I really do need to buy some shoes.
that I agitate more than I meditate.
that I don’t know if I’ll ever be a triathlete.
that I am resistant to editing on occasion.
that I turn up the music on my iPod and twirl on darkened streets with groceries flying and hair streaming and heart on fire.
that I am too sensitive to words and too insensitive with how I use them.
that I envy the fish in the sea.
that sometimes my body aches and then I have to deal with knowing why.
that I never want to get out of the sun.
that I sometimes get bored and turn off the hockey game.
that I overuse the term gong show, as well as fiasco.
that I wish people played Trivial Pursuit more often.
that I like dancing more than walking.
that I sometimes contemplate never writing again when I read something beautiful someone else has written.
that I sometimes feel a strange burning in my heart that reminds me to be thankful.
that I hate having things in my MacBook trash.
that I don’t understand what’s so ultimate about Ultimate Fighting.
that I have an overdeveloped conscience.
that I dropped a bag of coffee on the floor tonight by accident and apologized to the bag of coffee before I knew what I was doing.
that I think Gwyneth Paltrow is vastly overrated.
that I am far, far too in love with making lists.
that I have no intention of giving that up.
that I think — if you made it this far — you might think I’m nuts.
that I know for a fact you are at least 50% correct.