If you are a Vancouverite, whether you were born and bred here, or arrived after a stay in a less mountainy, oceany, tree-y city or town, you know four key things:

1. When you visit other places, people say, “Ohhh, you live in VANCOUVER?” with a distinct tone of envy, as though you’d said, “I live in a hut built from money.”

2. Then they make fun of the rain, as though they want to level the playing field. But we all know it isn’t level. Smirk, smirk.

3. Everyone thinks Whistler is in your backyard, when it’s actually about three hours away. Edmonton, is Calgary in your backyard? New York, is Boston in your backyard? Sheesh. But it does add to our “resort vibe.”

4. It doesn’t get super hot. I mean, yes, maybe two days a year, it gets super hot. And it doesn’t snow. Okay, maybe two days a year, it snows. But it melts! Really fast.

Now, of course, all this mystique is ruined.

1. Now everyone asks you about the junkies in Vancouver, since they’ve become the star of international coverage of the Olympics. Yes, we have a ton of junkies, as any warm city does. You can live on the streets here for a good portion of the year.

2. It has barely rained since May. Barely. I have used my umbrella maybe… six times, and three of those were yesterday. Last year, I used it almost every day for MONTHS.

3. Whistler is apparently TRYING to show up in my backyard, since we’ve become one big happy city for the 2010 Games. Well, except for the junkies. And the roving gangs of cyclists.

And uh… taxpayers.

4. It snowed this winter. For two months.

.

None of us knows what to say about that.

And this summer? Hottest days on record… EVER. EVER. And all this while the usually humid and hot East Coast got monsoon rains. RAINS.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

If we’re not melting in the heat, we’re fending off Olympic mascots.

If we’re not staring at our brown grass, we’re waiting in traffic while 300 people on really crappy bikes ride by without helmets.

If we’re not buying fans, we’re staring in fear at the snow shovels that are already being stocked in hardware stores because hey… all bets are off now.

We used to eat gelato while walking through lush, bee-filled gardens. We used to keep our Gore-Tex by our flip flops. We used to smile at our helmet and tight-short clad cyclists. We used to watch the Olympics on TV and drive to Whistler to look at rich people in snow pants.

And our only mascot was Fin (who blogs, apparently.)

I’m confused. I mean, I still love it here, but I’m confused.

So I think I’ll move.