I’ve never understood the “relationship break”.

Well, no… that’s not quite right.

I DO understand why people occasionally need a bit of space from one another, and how a little time apart can provide perspective/make the heart grow fonder/allow blood pressure to drop. Walk away when you feel like fighting now and then. Take a day where you chat on the phone but don’t spend the whole day in one another’s face.

Fair.

But people who feel they can improve how they communicate by ceasing to communicate for a randomly selected period of time confuse me.

Perhaps this is because the worst of my relationships needed a hell of a lot more distance than a “break” might provide (perhaps a giant wall, a la Berlin? China?), and the best of them has grown in awesomeness from a distance of 3,000 miles.

Once, in the middle of an argument, I asked Gradon if he needed space from me.

He replied, “What, I would need something more than a continent?”

Exactly.

I feel the same way about people who go “off coffee” for a period, even though I have done it once in a bid to see if my insomnia was caffeine-fueled (because if you can’t hack caffeine, you can’t hack it, and you should know if that’s the case, and stop forever) and once on a dare for Lent (I was fine.) Or if you find yourself vibrating in place after consuming an entire pot in the morning and need to slow it down, then sure.

Cut back. Get some caffeine perspective. Work it out.

But these people quit… temporarily. They don’t totally “break up” with coffee, they just decide that they won’t email or text or IM with it for a while, just because coffee is “bad”.

It might be for a week, or a month, just because they don’t like the idea of being “addicted” to something, as though coffee were something you injected after heating it up in a spoon. Then they hop back on the train, amazed at their self control and liberation from dependence… and celebrate it with a Venti.

(Yes, I know there is such a thing as caffeine addiction, after you build up a tolerance and want more and more and more to get that “awake” feeling back. But the hold on your system disappears in anywhere from one to five days. Done. Try kicking crack like that. I think you’ll find it’s a touch different than walking past Starbucks without going in for a week.)

Here’s the thing: if it’s bad now, why would you stop, then start again? If you figure out you don’t want it or need it… why bring it on back?

Wouldn’t it just be better to fix your relationship with it — if you reduce intake, your tolerance adjusts — or quit it altogether? Permanently?

It’s just like health fasts that people go on to “detox” — and then start eating Big Macs again the week after their cleanse is over.

If it’s bad, it’s bad. Be done with it!

If it’s not great, fix it. Find a balance. In coffee, diet, relationships, internet consumption, whatever.

But I don’t think ignoring something for a little while is much of a fix. Especially when you welcome it back with open arms right when things actually start to improve, or when you’ve proven you can do without it.

There’s no point in proving that unless that’s what you want. Or else you’re David Blaine, testing your body for fun.

Am I wrong?