megfowler.com

1. Those subscription cards in magazines that fall out ALL the time, especially at drugstore or grocery checkouts, OR, in my case, if you happen to be reading at the beach. I once had to chase one that blew away as soon as it fell out, and headed straight for the waves.

La Jolla Beach? Remember me? The girl chasing the “Vogue” card into the breakers? Awesome. Mind you, I’ll totally subscribe when they get all this water out of my lungs.

2. Energy drinks in general. Stop trying to be so EXTREME or CRAZY or WILD or HOT or PSYCHO or THE COLOUR OF CANDIED URINE.

3. Tiny, repeated throat-clearing sounds. Ahem. Ah-heh-hem. Ehhh-hem. Ahh-heh-ehhh HEM. Ehh-ehhh-ehhh-hem. Hemm-hemm. CAN I GET YOU A LOZENGE OR SOME TEA OR PERHAPS A FIREHOSE?

4. The phrase “going forward”. Did you mean, “in the future” or “from now on”? Did you? No? I think you did. Because going forward, I’D LIKE TO POKE YOU IN THE EYE.

5. Technology terms applied to human output or interactions. “I don’t have the bandwidth for that just now.” “I’m going to bring Jared online for this one.” “I just really need you to PLUG THAT STRAIGHT INTO MY USB right now.” Okay, I made the last one up.

6. Miracle Whip. It’s not mayonnaise. Some of you have tried to fool me, but I know better. So don’t CALL it mayonnaise. Or a miracle. The Vatican could give a rat’s ass about your chicken salad.

7. How everyone thinks their cat is really nice, when you know just from looking at their cat that a) it wants to scratch you and b) it would most certainly eat their owner if they died at home and c) it has destroyed every piece of furniture in their home, including the one you’re sitting on the edge of. Because the cat is already sitting there. Waiting to eat you.

8. People who look at you in horror when you’re sick, as though you’re Typhoid Mary: The Sequel. YES. COME CLOSER. IT WILL LEAP FROM MY LUNGS AND EAT YOUR FACE LIKE A CAT.

9. The way Larry King always picks out the wrong part of what someone said to come up with his next question. Say you’d survived a plane crash, and he asked you for your last memory before you went unconscious:

“I remember that my glass of orange juice splashed across my lap…”

“How do you feel about pulp levels in your OJ? How much is TOO MUCH?”

“I don’t know, I wasn’t really thinking about the pulp in my OJ at that point…”

“OJ: Destined for prison, or no?”

10. The way everyone makes the “Whole Paycheck” joke when you say you got something at Whole Foods. OH HAHA! NEVER HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE AND ACTUALLY I DIDN’T SPEND MY WHOLE PAYCHEQUE ON THIS APPLE I MAKE ENOUGH FOR TWO APPLES THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

11. The way people who stop drinking coffee smirk like they have some sort of avatar-like self-control that the rest of us are missing. No one is giving you a chip for being 300 days clean from Folger’s, buddy. Besides, shaking burns calories.

12. Celebrities who talk about how they don’t use computers “and don’t even have email! I just don’t need it! I really think we’re too ‘connected’ in society today!” Yes, but your assistant DOES have email. And so does your agent. And your manager. And your mom, who wonders why you never reply.

13. And speaking of celebrities, shows where former or half-assed celebrities compete to do something they didn’t become famous for (singing, dancing, wrestling, boxing, cooking, whatever.) THERE IS A REASON YOUR CAREER SLOWED DOWN THE FIRST TIME. DON’T FIGHT THE CURRENT, LITTLE SALMON.