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1. Noise-canceling Earphones: I cannot live with the inability to hear someone yelling, ‘There is a BEE ON YOUR BACK. A BEE.”

2. GPS Systems: I rely on bus drivers to know where I am. And if I get lost, I just go to a nice police officer on the corner and ask for help. And when I say police officer, I mean Starbucks employee, because we actually have one of those on every corner.

3. The smart part of the SmartPhone: Everyone in my life expressed some horror that I would never truly be away from email, like they were watching me tighten the tourniquet on my arm with my teeth and wildly flick a syringe. But I don’t think I’m an addict, no way. It’s all good. I don’t need email on my phone. And if you give me the laptop, I will totally let your family go.

4. Laser Eye Surgery: Well, I actually have perfect eyesight, but also? I want to shoot lasers OUT of my eyes, not INTO them. Sheesh.

5. Nintendo Wii: I don’t need to spend any extra money to wave a remote around in acrobatic frustration. I can do that with my current TV remote because the batteries are running out and you need to whack it three times and hold it up REAL high to change the channel. And the day I let a game system tell me how old and fat I am is same day I go all Office Space on its ass (warning, Mom: language.)

6. Bluetooth earpiece: The voices in my head said there wasn’t room for another one.

7. Massaging chairs: I sat in one once, and it felt like an Alien was trying to get out and attack me like Sigourney Weaver. Also, what if the chair goes rogue and punches my spleen?

8. USB Thumb Drives: You ever tried to stick one of those things in your thumb? Jeepers.

Yeah.