1. The gout.
2. Fingerless gloves or toeless socks.
3. The joke my grandfather kept trying to tell about the rabbi, the milkmaid, the goat, and Jerry Falwell.
4. An iguana.
5. Moldy.
6. Assless chaps (although, really, they’re ALL assless in the end. Pun intended.)
7. Any Time-Life musical collections bought from infomercials starring actors you can’t remember the names of.
8. Publisher’s Clearing House Jewelry (no, wait, I DID get that. Don’t ask.)
9. A teddy bear holding a heart that says “I Wuv You”
10. Shingles.
11. Stuck in an airport.
12. Caught in the rain (oh, and I don’t like pina coladas, either.)
13. Herpes.