1. There are some things too hot for oven mitts. Namely, flames.

2. If you’re going to be a hand talker, it’s good to put a lid on your water bottle.

3. Never wear lipgloss to a haircut.

4. My salt cravings could have roots in an actual health issue. Or roots in the fact that MMM SALT!

5. When you blow out all the fuses in your house, iPods make great flashlights!

6. Nothing makes people more agitated than seeing other people celebrate holidays before they’re ready. And nothing makes early holiday celebrators more eager to celebrate.

7. White sheets + dark blue jeans + dryer = periwinkle sheets.

8. I may not need a ton of sleep, but I am in dire need of mental rest sometimes.

9. Mustard is French for “yellow stain on your shirt for the rest of the day.”

10. Squirrels can, and do get angry.

11. Before you wear a hat out the door, do the penis check. As in, “Does this hat make me look like one?”

12. I am only as good as my last coffee.

13. Slipping in the shower is nature’s way of saying, “You use too much conditioner.”

14. While it’s good to save gas by taking the bus, this doesn’t mean you should be free with your gas once you’re on the bus.

15. I really, really, really don’t like bland foods. And when I say I don’t like bland foods, I mean HERE IS MY MOUTH, PLEASE TO SET ON FIRE.

16. Thus, Pepcid AC is the best dessert ever.

17. My parents understand me far more than I think they do, even when I drive them bonkers.

18. Having a roommate in a long distance relationship when you are in a long distance relationship is a pretty good set-up.

19. Everyone looks good in my red coat.

20. Not everyone looks good in my red lipstick.

21. Always make more money than you cost.

22. OCD people don’t like it when your fingers end up in their tea.

23. I hate losing at Monopoly but was thrilled to realize I had a monopoly on this in my home.

24. Sometimes rebuilding a friendship happens slowly and imperceptibly. But when it’s back, you feel a major sense of relief.

25. 3/4 sleeves are 4/4 good.

26. The most effective way to reduce your cell phone bill is to talk much, much, much less on your cell phone.

27. There is a special place in Heck (Dante, I don’t know where that is, but fit it in) for people who stop in the middle of malls without warning.

28. Dogs and Gap employees can smell fear.

29. People who can nap know something the rest of us do not know. Namely, how to tune the rest of us out and get some sleep.

30. 3,000 miles is both very far and not far at all.