Monthly Archives: November 2008

five good things to do on a late-november saturday.

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1. Wake up VERY late.
2. Sip coffee in front of the fire.
3. Go with your roommate to decorate her awesome mom’s tree.
4. Sing along to Ella doing Christmas carols.
5. Cook a steak dinner for the best roomie in the world, by hire of her lovely San Diegan boyfriend.

My life is ridiculously stressful at times, but when I get the moment to stop and spend time with people I love, I remember how blessed I am.

Hope everyone is having a brilliant weekend, and that you’re actually starting to decorate for the holidays (even if you ARE a month late.)

A haiku:

white lights glow on tree
balls of red and gold we hang
stepped on hook oh s***

friday grrr list: crabby day edition.

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Today was LAME.

There’s no other way to say it, really.

Start to finish, anything that could go wrong, did.

I wanted to write a Love List. I meant to write a Love List. I tried to write a Love List. I SHOULD have written a Love List. But.

Instead you get a GRRR list, because that’s all I’ve got right now.

GRR THINGS

Getting drenched head-to-toe by a nasty driver who chose to plow through a LAKE on the side of the STREET. Wet to the UNDERWEAR, I was. Not that I wanted to say underwear on my blog, but THAT’S HOW IT IS. I couldn’t go home because I had too much to do. But let me tell you how exciting it was for everyone and their cat to mention the fact that I was “really wet”. No kidding: I wasn’t completely dry until 2 pm. I cannot say enough about HOW MUCH THIS SUCKED.

The first thing I did at work today? Paper cut.

Second thing? Spill coffee.

Third thing? Forget to save a document.

From there, I also walked around with a giant bit of cilantro in my teeth for two hours.

Then, on the way home, I tripped on the stairs at the train station and ripped my jeans.

And then? AND THEN?

I rode part of the way home sitting next to That Guy. You know him — he’s the kind of guy who says, “But that’s not okay to talk about these days…” and then proceeds to speak at length about everything from Nazis to bisexuals to oozing sores at an advanced volume. Not that anyone is conversing with him… he JUST TALKS.

The rest of the trip? Yeah. Next to Creepy Bus Guy Who Tried To Grab Me Once.

Guh.

Today could not end quickly enough.

Feel free to send flowers, takeout, pedicures, and jewelry.

I? Am done.

in and out of your hands.

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Control is a crazy thing.

Sometimes you want more of it.

Sometimes you want to lose it.

Sometimes you want to give it to someone else.

Sometimes you find yourself wondering if anyone actually has it at all.

We all know “control freaks” who can’t stand to let a detail slip away unmanaged.

And we all know people who can’t seem to get a grip on anything in their lives, no matter how hard they try.

Most of us are somewhere in the middle, depending on the day.

But there’s so much to keep a handle on.

Dealing with relationships. Dealing with finances. Dealing with work. Dealing with choices. Dealing with all the tangible and intangible things that weave the webs we walk like spiders in a windstorm, just trying to keep the fragile threads in place.

And the worst?

Dealing with the stuff that just happens.

That’s what I struggle with the most.

I’ve spent the last few years of my life feeling like things were just happening to me without any cause or purpose… instead of happening because of choices I made.

When I learned I couldn’t have kids, I felt like my whole life plan was turned upside-down. It wasn’t because of anything I chose. It just happened. I could walk a new path and accept it, yes. But that was all I could do.

When I learned I was sick, I was so frustrated I hadn’t done anything about it sooner, and them my doctor told me that there was no way I could have changed it even if I had. It was just how my body was. I could make smart choices so it wouldn’t get worse. But that was all I could do.

When my family went through difficult financial times, I felt utterly helpless to stop what was going on… mostly because I was helpless to change it with the resources I had. I could love and support and encourage them, of course. But that was all I could do.

When my grandfather was dying and suffering more than I’ve ever watched someone suffer, I could not make him well. I could see him, be around him, bring him some tea. But that was all I could do.

When my friends have been in pain or need because of failed marriages and lost jobs and illnesses and debts and challenges, I’ve wanted to be able to change their circumstances beyond just being present and listening and helping in the small ways that were possible. But that was all I could do.

I get tired of what I can’t stop and what I can’t fix. I get stuck in feeling helpless. I hate how control seems just out of my grasp.

But I’ve been letting my out-of-control feeling turn into an abdication of control. To a sense of helplessness that has nothing to do with how strong I really am, or what I am capable of.

And that is a slap in the face to all the great things that were happening to me alongside the tough things.

To all the opportunities that I’ve had and all the choices that were definitely mine to make.

To all the stuff that has happened to me that has been AMAZING.

I think it’s time for me to be thankful for my possibilities, instead of focusing on what seems to be out of my grasp.

At the end of the day, the only thing I can truly control is how I respond to what happens in my world, for better or for worse. And I honestly believe my responses can change the course of my life as much as, or more than the events that are out of my control.

I need to start putting the focus on those choices… and not just letting life wash over me when challenges come.

Now seems as good a time to start as any.