1. Things that begin with “air”: “air quotes”; “Air Bud”; “airlines”; “air freshener”; “air kissing”; “air quality”; “air of superiority”
2. The scent of microwave popcorn post-pop.
3. People who call their friends “bitches” like they were Paris Hilton or ODB or just a… really annoying person.
4. Shows where people compete to become the host of a show.
5. The obsession with celebrity pregnancy, as if getting pregnant was something you needed a movie contract and an Hermes bag and Brad Pitt to do. Not that you should turn down those things if they are offered to you.
6. The monolith of failure that is an Allen Key. I swear, they should have a giant picture of one at the front doors of IKEA: “ONE KEY TO RULE THEM ALL!”
7. Blue water in toilets. I feel like I’m peeing into Blue Moon Berry ™ Kool-Aid and turning it into Kickin’ Kiwi-Lime ™.
8. Being fooled by fake flowers. Like being the only guy on earth who enjoys Pamela Anderson for her natural, womanly shape.
9. Watching people stuff magazines back into the racks by the cashier and part of the cover is squished up and AHHH FLATTEN IT OUT YOU’RE HURTING MY OCD AND I CAN’T REACH IT FROM BACK HERE IN LINE.
10. The larger the coffee you buy, the more likely you will be prevented from drinking it before it’s gross.
11. Wiglets. I mean, do you want to put something on your head that rhymes with “piglet”?
12. Microsoft Outlook. The name is really appropriate, though, because it changes your outlook considerably. Like you are looking out of a PRISON OF INEFFECTUALITY AND LDAP DIRECTORY ERRORS. DAMMIT, I WASN’T FINISHED TYPING THE ADDRESS.
13. Phone cords that twist up like DNA strands and bring you ever closer to having your head resting directly on the touchpad. And phone cords, period! Aren’t we PAST THIS?!?
14. That thing you do with your eyebrow.
15. Texting the wrong person.
16. Using a “z” instead of an “s” where “s” makes something plural. Maybe I just don’t like the letter “z”, which does not bode well for zebras, zoos, zoning bylaws or Zamfir.
17. Diaper ads, tampon ads, paper towel ads, or any form of ad that champions absorbency. If I wanted to watch something suck up a lot of unfortunate liquid all at once, I’d go to a frat party.
18. The sound a spoon makes when it enters pudding or yogurt. AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! It’s like plunging back into the primordial ooze.
19. Not having a no. 19 thing that annoys you. Or perhaps SO MANY ANNOYING things you cannot choose just one. I mean, you could always make a longer list to accommodate them all, but when does it end? When do we stop being annoyed? Though I guess Bill O’Reilly made a career of it. And Rachael Ray made a career of being annoying. So what have we learned? STOP AT 18. And that goes for wearing microminis and scrunchies and watching The Hills, too.
