There are many things I believe for which I have no evidence.

Most people would call these things “suppositions” or “notions” “blog posts” or “AS IF, ASSHOLE” or “tell it to my lawyer.”

To them I say, WELL FINE BUT AT LEAST I BELIEVE IN SOMETHING, YOU GODLESS LOCUST-BAITING SIN-LIVING INSTANT-COFFEE-DRINKING COSTCO-SHOPPING MCDONALDS- EATING LEPROUS HAPLESS HOPELESS HERETI…

Ahem.

Or nothing, really.

Because sometimes, as they say, it’s enough that YOU know. No one else needs to.

Do you hear me, Tom Cruise?

I believe mall kiosks are actually holes in the time-space continuum.

I believe those who remember the dances of their youth are doomed to repeat them at weddings.

I believe, while onions will always make you cry, shallots will probably only leave you mildly depressed.

I believe most people would rather that Oprah gave them a car than a book recommendation.

I believe eHarmony is nature’s way of matching up all the really fussy people so the rest of us can get on with it.

I believe chickens have neither fingers nor nuggets… but their wings are like gold.

I believe spilled milk is more of a reason to swear.

I believe bathrooms should not smell like anything you would put on or in a cake.

I believe the amount of time you spend bitching about Christmas decorations in stores is roughly inverse to the amount of fun you are at Christmas parties.

I believe civilization actually began in a Tupperware container left in a warm car.

I believe binding is for contracts and books, not bras or men.

I believe the gift of carnations is a husband’s way of saying, “Today is a good day to build a parade float, Honey.”

I believe that bottled water never forgets being free.