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29. People who unwrap candies really slowly in quiet places, thinking they are being unobtrusive CRINKLE CRINKLE
28. Automated voice systems that try and be friendly. “Sorry I missed that. Give it to me one more time, okay?”
27. The idea that sea monkeys contain neither sea, nor monkey.
26. Celebrity name hybrids:Bennifer, Brangelina, Meltonio (what, you don’t like that one?)
25. Asparagus.
24. Trying to fit Costco-sized items in a normal fridge.
23. Forced banter between the sports guy and the news guy.
22. That WONK WONK WONK noise that computer speakers make when a cell phone rings.
21. When you go to pop a Tic Tac and throw it right past your mouth.
20. Too much punctuation in an email!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?
19. The way actors who are supposed to just have colds in ads act like they are dying of a brain tumour.
18. Being humiliated by childproof caps.
17. The word “coulis”.
16. The smell of burning hair.
15. People who use “ph” instead of “f” and vice versa.
14. Your mom.
13. Being called a “cougar” before your 35th birthday.
12. Spilling coffee on your shirt before you actually get to work in the morning.
11. PMS merchandise.
10. That crackling noise things make in the microwave when they’re not even cooking yet and then you take it out too soon and dammit! Cold soup, and that guy behind you waiting to heat up his leftover pasta rushed right in and… SIGH.
9. Blue icing.
8. Christian car fish, and all the derivations thereof, except for “n chips” because my dad and I giggle at it.
7. That of the “29 ways to find your true love” advertised on the cover of Cosmo, 28 involve shutting up and squishing your boobs together.
6. Clippy, from Word. “IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TO WRITE A LETTER.”
5. Seinfeld. Only just barely.
4. Air kissing.
3. Ass kissing.
2. Parents kissing.
1. Not kissing.