Monthly Archives: January 2008

five things that are NOT true of love. and five that ARE.

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19

Being a single girl — and a girl who has been single for a while now OH MY GOSH NO! — I tend to be a bit of a magnet for other people’s love angst/thoughts/philosophies/dreams/concerns/criticisms.

If I talk about my “status”, they either rush to matchmake or tell me in the same breath that “it will come when I least expect it/stop looking (which is actually about 99% of the time)” or, conversely, that I need to “put myself out there.”

What, like in the middle of an intersection? But I’ll get to that in a moment.

If I DON’T talk about being single, they become convinced that I am a) determined to be solitary; b) depressed; c) a man-hater; or d) socially awkward.

I get the “why not try dating online?” suggestions. (Answer: No. Even if you met your husband there. Sorry. And it’s okay that I don’t want to, I promise.)

I get the “why not join a club?” suggestions. (Answer: What club? The Club For Single People Looking To Meet Other Single People Doing Quirky and Interesting Activities? Please. I will join a club because I like the club. Not to meet a man.)

I get the “I could set you up!” suggestions. (Answer: Ehh… maybe. But I’d have to talk to them first. People are notorious for setting their friends up with people their friends would NEVER DATE.)

I also get the “don’t let anyone tell you that you need a man to be happy!” lecture… as if I ever said anything like that, anyway.

Could there BE more mixed messages?

I know it’s all well-meaning, but I’m pretty much done with it, folks.

Talking about love doesn’t mean I’m pining for it. And even if I WAS pining for it, it doesn’t mean I have to launch myself from a cannon into a room full of speed daters. Even if I go on and on and on about it for hours… well, I’m allowed.

That’s life. We think, we work through things, we change, we grow. We do it out loud, sometimes.

You can listen or not. But I don’t need you to FIX IT.

And not talking about love doesn’t mean I’m ignoring my own desires to be with someone and to share my life. It just means I don’t feel like talking about it right now.

I don’t need my priorities criticized. I don’t need my standards criticized. I don’t even need my fantasies criticized.

I just want to be me, and see how things go. So why is that so hard?

Because people have weird ideas about love.

Weird ideas like…

1. If you love yourself, other people will love you. The basic premise of this is pretty solid — that you have to make taking care of yourself and accepting yourself a priority. And I totally agree. It DOES make you more attractive. I like being around people who have confidence and a strong sense of self. No doubt.

Is it the key to being in a relationship, though? NO. It’s not. What if you love yourself but also happen to be TOTALLY ANNOYING?

Just kidding.

I know plenty of people who have confidence and take great care of themselves who are single, and not always by choice. So preach the value of self-love. But not as the key to finding love.

2. If you put yourself out there, you’ll find it. Yeah. Singles bars are full of this evidence. What you’re actually finding, though…

Seriously, now. Yes, you increase the odds of getting hit by a boat when you swim around in a harbour. But you also increase your chances of drowning. And other bad metaphors.

My point is, meeting someone is not the same thing as meeting someone that connects with you. If you are forcing yourself to be places or in situations that don’t make you happy, then you are in the wrong places and situations.

And if they DO make you happy, who cares what happens or not? Be where you want. Because you want to be there. And have fun.

3. It comes when you least expect it/aren’t looking for it. What? Like a meteorite from space? Come on. This is by far the most annoying cliche people throw at singles. I know lots of people who found love while seeking it rather ardently, and also know people who were surprised by it in the extreme.

Lesson? It happens when it happens.

4. Your standards are too high. Oh, really? Do you know what my standards are? And which ones would you like me to ditch? Obviously, I don’t expect my mate to be things I’m not (other than good at putting together IKEA furniture.)

That would just be obnoxious. Granted, I’d love him to be smarter than me… but that ain’t so hard.

5. You just haven’t found The One yet. Ugh. The One. Like I’m going to date Neo from the Matrix. If I thought there was ONE MAN ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH I could be happy with, I don’t even think I’d want to meet him. That’s way too much pressure!

I think there are any number of people I could enjoy life with, and it’s not a matter of puzzle pieces, or pots and lids, or locks and keys or pegs and holes OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT SOUNDS PRETTY BLATANTLY PHALLIC.

There.

Now, here’s what I think (grain of salt included):

1. You should love yourself just for the sake of loving yourself. Not to make yourself more appealing to anyone else.

2. You shouldn’t expect other people to be what you aren’t. I had a friend tell me once that she was glad her husband was so patient, because otherwise, her being a bitch would sink their marriage. What? I get how our qualities can balance one another out, but if you’re a bitch to your husband, you should likely STOP THAT. Kindness is more important than a lot of things. If you can find a way to stay kind, you are 100% ahead of the curve.

3. You shouldn’t expect a relationship to make you whole. You make you whole. When you break, others can help you mend. But they can’t act like sealing putty for your life. And we’re usually all a little bit (or a lot) broken anyway, and in the process of mending. That’s where acceptance comes in. It’s just as important as kindness.

4. Love is not a single decision or moment or lightning bolt. It’s a series of choices you make or don’t make.

5. How you look/how thin you are/how much money you have/how many plans you make/how long you date/how long you live together/how long you don’t live together/what kind of wedding you have/how much you have in common/how much you don’t have in common/whether or not you have a TV in your bedroom/whether or not you have the same hobbies/whether or not you met on a plane or train or online or through friends or by arranged marriage… not one of these things guarantees success or failure in love.

Really.

Some factors in your life can improve your odds of things working out with certain people, but statistics in this area are CRAP. Yes, crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. I am a big proponent of statistics, too. Just not WHERE THEY ARE CRAP. I stand by this.

I’ve seen “perfect” circumstances fail miserably, and “imperfect” circumstances succeed. And who is to even judge perfect and imperfect, anyway?

But that’s just what I think. About love.

Oh, and one more thing: I love love. I fully believe I will fall in love one day. No doubt in my mind.

And no amount of cynicism or confusion or ranting or wondering along the way changes my ability to love the man I choose to love, when I choose to do it. I’ll put my heart into it, and that’s saying something.

So what do you think about all of this?

i started a blog, and all i got was this lousy friend.

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15

Here’s the quick version:

A long, long time ago, in a land far, far away (known as my other apartment) I had a blog that was read by about 20% of the people that read me now. This blog was a good thing, as it led me to start THIS blog, which was an entirely new beginning/fresh start/move of great awesomeness.

I don’t carry much forward from that old blog, save for some excellent fellow bloggers I met in the trenches. One of them is Eric (who was actually a HUGE proponent of me starting MegFowler.com. You can thank him later.)

Eric is a lighting designer in San Diego and ALSO had/has a blog. When he popped onto the scene about a year after I did, I received multiple emails from other bloggers with subject lines like I THINK HE’S SINGLE and DO YOU LIKE CALIFORNIA and DO LIGHTING DESIGNERS MAKE GOOD MONEY and WOULD YOU MOVE.

Because the Internet? Likes me to date. And Eric? IS actually single.

But anyhow.

Eric and I commented on one another’s blogs and then became good email/chat/Web/phone friends, and then he also began doing all those same things with the lovely Catherine (whom I live with.) From there, we all became friends and stuff and it was super good.

Well, Catherine and I were already friends (which makes living together easier.)

Then Eric came to visit us in Vancouver, which meant we became real life friends, which is kind of like going into the Sephora store vs. ordering online. In other words? WAY BETTER.

Then we went down to California on the best road trip of all time to visit Eric. It was truly amazing. Once in California, we learned that a) it is good to live across from a coffee shop; b) Eric is the best driver on earth; and c) YES I WOULD MOVE TO CALIFORNIA. JUST NOT THE MIDDLE PART BECAUSE I DIDN’T LIKE FRESNO.

Since then, he has come here three more times, and we went down there again this September. We’re all friends as a happy trio, and with one another independently. Awesome.

But the most awesome thing is when he gets asked by Canadian border security what he’s doing visiting NOT ONE BUT TWO women he met on the Internet.

The answer?

Having a lot of fun. BUT NOT LIKE THAT.

None of us are dating or are planning to date (save for the fact that Cat and I are Hetero Life Mates) and that’s all good.

We’re just happy as we are.

So why am I telling you all this?

Today is Eric’s birthday. I’d send you to his blog, but he hasn’t updated it since last April, after one of his trips here. All the comments on that last post are like WHERE ARE YOU? WHAT HAPPENED? and I don’t want you to add to the drama.

Okay, okay, twist my arm, here’s his blog: EverybodyThinksImWorking.com.

Great blog title, no?

Great writer, no?

Yeah. I know. But he’s a busy guy and if he blogs again, you can bet it will be awesome but not because I told him every day HEY ABOUT YOUR BLOG?

I don’t do that anymore.

Here’s what you need to know about Eric before you join me in wishing him a happy birthday:

He can make me laugh harder than most people on earth. And comes back with a marvelous laugh of his own.

He is as addicted to coffee as I am.

During one of the most difficult years of my life, he was a complete rock. As in, total dependability. As in, “remember to call you after your medical appointments” kind of dependable. No matter where I was at or what I needed, Eric was there.

He knows everything. I’m only 5% kidding, mostly out of jealousy. And he’s whip smart. But doesn’t use whips. I think.

For that matter, he’s brilliant at his job. BRILLIANT. An artist. Any theatre would be lucky to have him. Seriously.

Yeah, he’s one of those people who is good at 30,000 things but doesn’t tell you until he makes you the Best Dinner Ever and you’re like, what? You can light things AND cook? Oh yeah, and did I mention the driving? And the piano thing? Also the writing? Jerk.

Despite the overaching power of his own awesomeness, he will always believe in you slightly more than you do. Or a lot more. Depending on what you need.

He has the loveliest parents ever. Really. I actually phoned my mom after leaving his parents’ home to ask her why she wasn’t nicer. That was a good call, let me tell you. KIDDING, MOM.

My parents have a big crush on Eric. It’s a bit awkward. “You guys, stop staring.” Apparently Eric’s parents being nicer also means they had a nicer child. KIDDING, MOM.

He also lets you choose his haircut. Don’t ask.

So to our Eric, on his birthday:

I’m very, very, very thankful for the Internet, if only because I got to meet you.

May this year be the most inspiring, exciting, fulfilling year of your life.

And may people always be the beautiful friend to you that you are to them.

Love you!

NOW WISH ERIC HAPPY BIRTHDAY! GO!