five things that are NOT true of love. and five that ARE.
Being a single girl — and a girl who has been single for a while now OH MY GOSH NO! — I tend to be a bit of a magnet for other people’s love angst/thoughts/philosophies/dreams/concerns/criticisms.
If I talk about my “status”, they either rush to matchmake or tell me in the same breath that “it will come when I least expect it/stop looking (which is actually about 99% of the time)” or, conversely, that I need to “put myself out there.”
What, like in the middle of an intersection? But I’ll get to that in a moment.
If I DON’T talk about being single, they become convinced that I am a) determined to be solitary; b) depressed; c) a man-hater; or d) socially awkward.
I get the “why not try dating online?” suggestions. (Answer: No. Even if you met your husband there. Sorry. And it’s okay that I don’t want to, I promise.)
I get the “why not join a club?” suggestions. (Answer: What club? The Club For Single People Looking To Meet Other Single People Doing Quirky and Interesting Activities? Please. I will join a club because I like the club. Not to meet a man.)
I get the “I could set you up!” suggestions. (Answer: Ehh… maybe. But I’d have to talk to them first. People are notorious for setting their friends up with people their friends would NEVER DATE.)
I also get the “don’t let anyone tell you that you need a man to be happy!” lecture… as if I ever said anything like that, anyway.
Could there BE more mixed messages?
I know it’s all well-meaning, but I’m pretty much done with it, folks.
Talking about love doesn’t mean I’m pining for it. And even if I WAS pining for it, it doesn’t mean I have to launch myself from a cannon into a room full of speed daters. Even if I go on and on and on about it for hours… well, I’m allowed.
That’s life. We think, we work through things, we change, we grow. We do it out loud, sometimes.
You can listen or not. But I don’t need you to FIX IT.
And not talking about love doesn’t mean I’m ignoring my own desires to be with someone and to share my life. It just means I don’t feel like talking about it right now.
I don’t need my priorities criticized. I don’t need my standards criticized. I don’t even need my fantasies criticized.
I just want to be me, and see how things go. So why is that so hard?
Because people have weird ideas about love.
Weird ideas like…
1. If you love yourself, other people will love you. The basic premise of this is pretty solid — that you have to make taking care of yourself and accepting yourself a priority. And I totally agree. It DOES make you more attractive. I like being around people who have confidence and a strong sense of self. No doubt.
Is it the key to being in a relationship, though? NO. It’s not. What if you love yourself but also happen to be TOTALLY ANNOYING?
Just kidding.
I know plenty of people who have confidence and take great care of themselves who are single, and not always by choice. So preach the value of self-love. But not as the key to finding love.
2. If you put yourself out there, you’ll find it. Yeah. Singles bars are full of this evidence. What you’re actually finding, though…
Seriously, now. Yes, you increase the odds of getting hit by a boat when you swim around in a harbour. But you also increase your chances of drowning. And other bad metaphors.
My point is, meeting someone is not the same thing as meeting someone that connects with you. If you are forcing yourself to be places or in situations that don’t make you happy, then you are in the wrong places and situations.
And if they DO make you happy, who cares what happens or not? Be where you want. Because you want to be there. And have fun.
3. It comes when you least expect it/aren’t looking for it. What? Like a meteorite from space? Come on. This is by far the most annoying cliche people throw at singles. I know lots of people who found love while seeking it rather ardently, and also know people who were surprised by it in the extreme.
Lesson? It happens when it happens.
4. Your standards are too high. Oh, really? Do you know what my standards are? And which ones would you like me to ditch? Obviously, I don’t expect my mate to be things I’m not (other than good at putting together IKEA furniture.)
That would just be obnoxious. Granted, I’d love him to be smarter than me… but that ain’t so hard.
5. You just haven’t found The One yet. Ugh. The One. Like I’m going to date Neo from the Matrix. If I thought there was ONE MAN ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH I could be happy with, I don’t even think I’d want to meet him. That’s way too much pressure!
I think there are any number of people I could enjoy life with, and it’s not a matter of puzzle pieces, or pots and lids, or locks and keys or pegs and holes OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT SOUNDS PRETTY BLATANTLY PHALLIC.
There.
Now, here’s what I think (grain of salt included):
1. You should love yourself just for the sake of loving yourself. Not to make yourself more appealing to anyone else.
2. You shouldn’t expect other people to be what you aren’t. I had a friend tell me once that she was glad her husband was so patient, because otherwise, her being a bitch would sink their marriage. What? I get how our qualities can balance one another out, but if you’re a bitch to your husband, you should likely STOP THAT. Kindness is more important than a lot of things. If you can find a way to stay kind, you are 100% ahead of the curve.
3. You shouldn’t expect a relationship to make you whole. You make you whole. When you break, others can help you mend. But they can’t act like sealing putty for your life. And we’re usually all a little bit (or a lot) broken anyway, and in the process of mending. That’s where acceptance comes in. It’s just as important as kindness.
4. Love is not a single decision or moment or lightning bolt. It’s a series of choices you make or don’t make.
5. How you look/how thin you are/how much money you have/how many plans you make/how long you date/how long you live together/how long you don’t live together/what kind of wedding you have/how much you have in common/how much you don’t have in common/whether or not you have a TV in your bedroom/whether or not you have the same hobbies/whether or not you met on a plane or train or online or through friends or by arranged marriage… not one of these things guarantees success or failure in love.
Really.
Some factors in your life can improve your odds of things working out with certain people, but statistics in this area are CRAP. Yes, crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. I am a big proponent of statistics, too. Just not WHERE THEY ARE CRAP. I stand by this.
I’ve seen “perfect” circumstances fail miserably, and “imperfect” circumstances succeed. And who is to even judge perfect and imperfect, anyway?
But that’s just what I think. About love.
Oh, and one more thing: I love love. I fully believe I will fall in love one day. No doubt in my mind.
And no amount of cynicism or confusion or ranting or wondering along the way changes my ability to love the man I choose to love, when I choose to do it. I’ll put my heart into it, and that’s saying something.
So what do you think about all of this?
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:01 am
I think you are right on the money. This is an awesome post!
Found you by way of Gruen.
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:10 am
100%, completely, exactly, perfectly well said.
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:40 am
Well said, especially for such a young pup!
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:52 am
If I had a nickel for every time I was told that it would happen when I least expect it/stop looking, I do believe I’d have a new car by now. By far, my worst experience with this was when a married guy expressed this to me and an entire table full of single girls. At a wedding. Then we killed him.
I was also once the victim of a “He’s perfect for you!” set up. All we had in common was that we were single. It turned out that the guy had a thing for my friend, so she and her boyfriend wanted him dating someone, anyone, ASAP so he’d leave her alone. It was not an honor to be chosen.
All of that to say: Yes. I concur. Preach it, sister.
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:55 am
Well, I am just going through a breakup myself, with the guy I was supposed to marry in August, so I hope everything you said here applies to me too :) I’m currently grappling with the idea that I’m single again after 4 years of being attached to a guy I was SURE about, and now I think all my ideas about how love works are based on a rather shaky foundation. I’m not sure I’ll ever find anyone again, but I hope I do.
January 22nd, 2008 at 1:18 pm
I’m a proud member of The Club For Single People Looking To Meet Other Single People Doing Quirky and Interesting Activities! You should totally join! (We mainly just twitter and eat pie all day.)
January 22nd, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Meg this is all so true. I especially agree with #3.
I was definitely looking for love when I found it — it’s still in the beginning stages but it’s rather wonderful, and I am going to keep all of these points in mind as we go along. I don’t think most people who look at us would think we have a “perfect” relationship (more likely: what on earth are they doing together?), but like you pointed out in #5, none of the obvious things are what make love work.
January 22nd, 2008 at 5:30 pm
I was heartbroken in 2003, by someone who sucks so much it’s not even funny. At the time that we dated, everyone BUT me thought this person sucked big time. At the time, I was TOTALLY AND ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE. I had the best, most amazing and fantastic partner, in my view. I think it takes time to recover from a really bad breakup.
Right now, I’m in a ’situationship’ (see my blog or Urban Dictionary for definitions) and I am quite content. I feel very loved, I love and have a chance to enjoy many of the things I used to enjoy when I had a partner.
I concur with everything you’ve said, I just wish I could write it up in a more coherent way than what I just did. But for that, we got YOU. I love your blog, Meg Fowler.
January 22nd, 2008 at 6:11 pm
I think you’re amazing, as a human, as a communicator…I’ve not read something on this so articulate, humorous and painfully true in all my years. And yes…I’m a 52 year old, mother of three grown childrena and a Nana to one fantastic little man who finds you delightful.
January 22nd, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove:
O no!
January 22nd, 2008 at 7:56 pm
i’m a firm believer in “que sera sera” and doing whatever makes you happy until then.
can’t say i share you optimism but sometimes, i really wish i did.
January 22nd, 2008 at 9:06 pm
Love is not rocket science…although there is chemistry involved. Keeping that chemistry part of the magic takes hard work. Love is about ‘want to’s’ not ’shoulds’. It’s your heart’s desires that motivate you act lovingly. Sometimes getting your head out of the way and letting your heart take over is half the battle because kindness comes from the heart.
Finding someone smarter than you might be only thing I might question…you’re brilliant! :)
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:17 pm
I think this is Demonstration # 322 of your brilliance, Meg. Awesome post, and timely. Thanks.
January 23rd, 2008 at 3:54 am
Did you live in my head and decided to live a life of your own? This is exactly how I feel!
January 23rd, 2008 at 5:58 am
You are a fun read Meg, no doubt. As someone who was single for 32 years (and by the way, I learned to love being single and I encourage anyone I know that is single to enjoy it and enjoy the freedom that comes along with it to do so many things that become a little more difficult once you’re married and/or have kids and/or have a mortgage that can choke a horse.
Having said that, point number five is the one point where part ways - kinda. The fact is, you haven’t found the right one yet! It doesn’t have to be like NEO. It just has to be the right person that you have the right connection with.
Further, what your friend said about having a husband that is so patient because she’s such a bitch is true too! Not because she’s such a bitch (certainly I’ve met enough people that think they’re the poster-Bitch and let me tell you - they ain’t!) or because he’s extremely patient - but because one of the keys to a long lasting relationship is that you have enough love (and knowledge of your flaws to give you grace) to forbear the failings of your loved one. Sure, we all need to work at getting better - but the old advice that was given to me before I got married sure still holds value: Before you’re married, keep your eyes wide open. After you’re married keep your eyes half closed ;)
Now don’t worry, I know that when you put yourself out there that people will see your confidence because you do love who you are. You’ll find the right one (probably on a date with something else) and you’ll know it because you’ll fit hand in glove.
Shalom!
January 23rd, 2008 at 10:24 am
you expressed in this post exactly what I’ve wanted to say to people for months. You rock, Meg.
January 25th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
I just wanted to thank you for posting these thoughts. I am in a bit of relationship turmoil right now, and reading this really helped me - just when I most needed to think something positive about “love”, there it was.
Also: I just think you are such the loveliest person, inside and out!
January 25th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Well said. There is some lucky guy out there just waiting to be found.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:32 am
These people really think they are helping you because of a perceived flaw in you (being single). When my ex-husband and I split up several years ago I got all of these same cliche’s thrown at me. I could tell the people thought they were being helpful but it pissed me off. I even had several not-so-close friends offer to fix me up. That offended me because 1) I didn’t ask for help and 2) I didn’t need help. None of these people even knew what qualities I looked for in a man so how could they begin to fix me up with anyone? I’ve never talked about my love-life at all with these people. There’s no more talk of dating but now there’s some talk of my biological clock. Is nothing out of bounds for other people to talk about? Well meaning or not, some things are off limits.