i don’t even have a good title. or maybe i’ll call it “greensleeves”!
I’m in a bit of a state.
Not a bit of a state as in Rhode Island, mind you.
I’m just really up in the air and boggled and slightly unsettled and I’m not totally sure why. Yet, that is.
It makes me loathe to blog because I figure everything coming from my keyboard right now sounds inane or ill-thought-out. Which is not to say that this isn’t NORMALLY the case, but it’s actually irritating me right now.
I want to say something worthwhile.
But what excites me and gets me going doesn’t really seem to be something I can articulate right now. Or at least I can’t articulate it to the point that it will sound anything but half-baked or half-argued or half-considered.
And that means something is up.
I find that, right before I make any large change in my life, I always have to go through this period of uberfrustration. I get inordinately angry at mistakes I make. I discredit good things I’m already doing because I’m not doing everything perfectly (not that I could, but there you go.)
At times like this, I rail at people for speaking cliches at (note: not “to”) me, or giving the standard advice people give to anyone going through a transition:
Don’t be so hard on yourself! Nobody is perfect!
Things happen when you’re not looking for them to happen!
Everything will work out in the end!
Just keep trying!
You need to not worry about it so much!
And it’s not that I don’t KNOW all those things (actually, the second one is complete crap, I’ll discount it without any further consideration), but I’m one of those people who hears “Just relax!” and feels my blood pressure rise.
Yep. A spaz.
It doesn’t mean I’m frustrated every moment of the day or week or month. Or that I don’t go merrily about doing most of the things I normally do. Or that I’m not moving forward with every good intention and a big dose of passion. It just means that there’s something else lurking right below my skin that isn’t, you know, a tick.
On one hand, it’s awesome, because it means I’m on the edge of something major.
On the other hand, it sucks horribly, because it means I’m on the edge.
I want to process it all in a million ways, but the permanence of words intimidates me. What if I say something and sound serious when I’m not? What if my questions hurt someone? What if I explore something and totally change my mind?
I think the only big thing I don’t have trouble saying at this point is “I love you.”
So will that do for now?
January 17th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
meg, take it one shift at a time. give it 110% and dont take the other team for granted.
January 17th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Yeah. I just wrote a blog entry to the same effect, and it’s…inarticulate.
January 17th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
That’s how it is before you know.
Do you think it has anything to do with the bangs. ;)
January 17th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
I see a psychotherapist, and that helps. Plus it’s cool. Therapy is the new black.
January 17th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
That’ll do perfectly. :-)
January 18th, 2008 at 4:52 am
“you can never get enough of what you didn’t really want in the first place”
seriously, good luck with the transition and the next level - whatever it turns out to be
onward!
January 18th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
I felt like that last week.
January 18th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Don’t attempt vast projects with half-vast plans.
January 18th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
I am trying to get a musician to do something blog like. It will be good for what he does. It will probably be good for him, too. We end up looking at this blog.
He liked this blog. He said, “I want to say something important, too.”
I said, “Are you going to do it? Are you going to start a blog like this?”
“Scary shit. Only if you go first.”
You’re getting me in trouble. So you must be saying something good.
January 19th, 2008 at 10:10 am
Thank you for this post. I need to write one exactly like it - can I steal yours? I’m kidding, of course, but you expressed my feelings perfectly. Except that I don’t know what I’m on the edge of. It’s scary!
January 20th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Omg. Yes.
This makes me feel crap and unmotivated in the worst way. Hope it clears up for you soon.