I’m in a bit of a state.
Not a bit of a state as in Rhode Island, mind you.
I’m just really up in the air and boggled and slightly unsettled and I’m not totally sure why. Yet, that is.
It makes me loathe to blog because I figure everything coming from my keyboard right now sounds inane or ill-thought-out. Which is not to say that this isn’t NORMALLY the case, but it’s actually irritating me right now.
I want to say something worthwhile.
But what excites me and gets me going doesn’t really seem to be something I can articulate right now. Or at least I can’t articulate it to the point that it will sound anything but half-baked or half-argued or half-considered.
And that means something is up.
I find that, right before I make any large change in my life, I always have to go through this period of uberfrustration. I get inordinately angry at mistakes I make. I discredit good things I’m already doing because I’m not doing everything perfectly (not that I could, but there you go.)
At times like this, I rail at people for speaking cliches at (note: not “to”) me, or giving the standard advice people give to anyone going through a transition:
Don’t be so hard on yourself! Nobody is perfect!
Things happen when you’re not looking for them to happen!
Everything will work out in the end!
Just keep trying!
You need to not worry about it so much!
And it’s not that I don’t KNOW all those things (actually, the second one is complete crap, I’ll discount it without any further consideration), but I’m one of those people who hears “Just relax!” and feels my blood pressure rise.
Yep. A spaz.
It doesn’t mean I’m frustrated every moment of the day or week or month. Or that I don’t go merrily about doing most of the things I normally do. Or that I’m not moving forward with every good intention and a big dose of passion. It just means that there’s something else lurking right below my skin that isn’t, you know, a tick.
On one hand, it’s awesome, because it means I’m on the edge of something major.
On the other hand, it sucks horribly, because it means I’m on the edge.
I want to process it all in a million ways, but the permanence of words intimidates me. What if I say something and sound serious when I’m not? What if my questions hurt someone? What if I explore something and totally change my mind?
I think the only big thing I don’t have trouble saying at this point is “I love you.”
So will that do for now?
