friday crabby list: not what you expected but roll with it if you don’t want me to pinch you.
I know.
THIS IS NOT PROTOCOL.
This is supposed to be a love list!
But folks… I gotta be honest. I just don’t have it in me today.
I realize that the love list is to help me and everyone else shake off any bleah/whiny/snarly/crabby attitude before the weekend hits. I suppose I should really persist against the forces of MEH that are holding me back and fight the good fight.
After all, I’m a lucky and blessed girl.
Then again, I’m also allowed to have crap days now and then.
That’s why I think I’m going to do something a little different and clear my decks of all the crabbies by being… well… crabby. And never using the term “crabbies” again. Ew.
Seriously. Ew.
Ahem.
So without further explanation — because, really, it’s FINE — the Crabby List.
THINGS IRKING ME
Automated response phone systems that sound like really smarmy people you would not hang out with, had you any choice in the matter. People who say “Sorry about that.” when you refuse their suggestion of “Did you say you want to connect to Monkey Tuna?”
Seinfeld quoters
The valley in the middle of my bed that claims me every night WHOOSH!
The fluorescent-bulb like pastiness of my face
People who call someone who is larger than a size 6 “full-figured”. Oh yeah? I call you “full-idiot”
People who don’t stop at crosswalks, ESPECIALLY in the rain because HOW IMPORTANT IS YOUR SCHEDULE, NO I INSIST YOU GO FIRST AND I DIDN’T NEED THAT LIMB, NO WORRIES!
Constant toe-stubbing
Reality television in general
How quickly organic produce fails. As my roommate once said, the bananas are like “HI EAT ME EAT ME! Oh, too late.”
Too-short pants
Last night’s bus driver, who was so startlingly rude that he almost killed my I JUST SAW ELVIS COSTELLO IN WHOLE FOODS OMG buzz (not quite, though.)
People who obsess more than I do about finding me “that special someone.” Stop! How do you know what I think is special? Yoinks.
How ALL air fresheners smell like someone’s grandma bathed in Lysol and apple juice.
The rip in my jeans. Drafty!
That itchy spot on my back I can’t reach because of my short flipper arms. And while I’m at it, short arms. Flailflailflail.
People who obsess about Britney Spears and perpetuate the drama by not taking their eyes off the whole thing. As soon as the media stops creating their own tragedies and then “wondering what went wrong” maybe I’ll be able to take them seriously. Nah, that’s not gonna happen either.
The price of the damn shoes.
“Pap” as an abbreviation for “paparazzi”. Eeek. Couldn’t you do “razzi” or something?
People who hate Top 40 just to be cool.
My own annoying weirdness about getting my hair cut. Who cares? It’s just hair! You are not a supermodel! Few people will even notice. Get ye a grip!
Larry King. Always. Forever. Dear mercy. Suspenders SNAP SNAP!
The really cold, bucketesque rain that falls when I’m just trying to get somewhere and look like something other than a wet kitten.
Hormones. Enough said. Grrrr.
Fall Out Boy
People who say, “Must be nice” whenever something good happens to you. WELL, YES, THANKS. IT IS.
Anything used to measure popularity on the Internet. You’ll see why next week. Sigh.
Gummi candies that have gone rock-hard.
Most chatspeak abbreviations, especially used by those over the age of 30. And if you’re over 40, we should really chat. And not like this: LOL UR BN SO MEAN.
***
And you?
I recommend you not follow my path and choose a Love List instead, as I normally would.
But if you gotta vent… go right ahead.
January 11th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Meg-you are so damn funny in like a gentile Nora Ephron kind of way. Don’t know if you write for TV or movies but you’d be great.
January 11th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
not a good idea for me to get into this one today im a wee bit too crabby but i do have to say internet snobbery… i really hate it and it is everywhere, facebook, twitter, linking, not linking, unlinking. im guilty of it too, it just gets to be a bit much sometimes.
January 11th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
I have used your “love list” idea and it has really helped me. But even your crabby list cheered me!
January 11th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
oh oh…
just found out…
I don’t care if you are crabby or sweet…as long as I get my Meg!
This can’t be good.
January 11th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Gummi candies that have gone rock-hard
Ewww, gross.
“Pap” as an abbreviation for “paparazzi”. Eeek. Couldn’t you do “razzi” or something?
So, if someone insults the paparazzi, is that a…. well, I’m sure you can guess where that’s going…
January 11th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Absolute home run with the “Must be nicers”. And it’s all delivered in a monotonous, near-death tone. You are right, Meg, YES, IT IS NICE. Who are you? You are somehow me, in my view, yeah.
January 11th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Ok, Meg. I’ll do a love list, since I can’t do a crabby list that would do much more that parrot what you’ve put. I tell ya, it is so scary that I have this much in common with a Liberal Woman in Canada.
Anyway, here it is…not counting anything to do with family, since that’s too easy.
I love doing something for someone just because they need it.
I love SOFT Haribo Gummi Bears.
I love Sunday afternoons watching movies on my laptop with the earphones on.
Playing Xbox Live games with other guys and girls over 30.
Singing along loudly to Dropkick Murphys and Great Big Sea.
That my man-crush is Harry Connick Jr. and being just fine with that.
Punk and Rock music with Bagpipes thrown in.
Shoes that fit by big-a$$ feet.
My Gamecocks, and being able to yell GO COCKS without being gay.
and finally…
People that are happy with who they are and can see through the BS of those crap-heads who try to drag them down.
January 11th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Meg is everyone, in some way. Which is what makes her so easy to love.
*people saying, “Check out my latest blog,” when what they mean is the latest post ON their blog
*people saying, “I could care less,” when what they mean is that they could, in fact, NOT CARE LESS
*people saying, “a tad bit,” period. It can be a tad, or it can be a bit. Both are nouns in this context. Everyone STOP saying “tad bit.”
Ummm…maybe I should stop talking to other people for a while.
On the other hand, my co-worker today, with no hint of irony, used the phrase “uppity city-folk,” and it made me LOVE HER.
January 11th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
Wait. And you are a huge hockey fan? I was the best defensemen that my upstate NY frozen winter pond ever had… or at least I fought for that title. You are an intrigue, Meg, I truly hope you find happiness because it deserves you. Love the bee whisperer pic.
January 11th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
OMG! LOL! ;)
Is it wrong that your crabby list made me laugh…out loud…
Meg, I say HURRAH to you for these ones:
–People who call someone who is larger than a size 6 “full-figured”. Oh yeah? I call you “full-idiot”
You’re actually much more polite than I about this - I refer to them as F**KING MORONS!
–People who don’t stop at crosswalks, ESPECIALLY in the rain because HOW IMPORTANT IS YOUR SCHEDULE, NO I INSIST YOU GO FIRST AND I DIDN’T NEED THAT LIMB, NO WORRIES!
This one just made me laugh b/c I have been there so many times…Uh yeah HELLO, I’d be the one you almost killed while talking on your cell phone AND smoking a cigarette AND trying to shift gears in your really big 4 x 4 that you can barely see over the steering wheel of!
Girl, you have yourself a crabby day! Everyone deserves them once in a while! When you start mumbling to yourself about William Shatner, you’ll know it’s time to seek help ;)
I hope you have a good weekend!
January 12th, 2008 at 2:32 am
Our bananas say the same damn thing - it’s obviously a worldwide conspiracy.
January 12th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
I was too crabby to comment yesterday and now I find myself eating perfectly not-rock-hard gummi bears (which contribute to my full-figure size 6) and discovering that my pants are too short.
I’m torn between love and crabby, so I’ll follow your advice and go with love:
* Love receiving packages from Germany filled with Haribo gummi bears (thanks Dad)
* Love not having to be anywhere at all today
* Love my temporary roommate’s obsession with wanting to open a bowling alley
* Love how even a Meg crabby list will make me smile!
January 12th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
* California drivers in the rain
* waking up in the middle of the night thinking of work
* “to do” lists
* soda
* people who ask “can my dog just say ‘Hi” to yours?”
* being cold
* and damp
* California freeway conditions
* delayed flights
* cancelled flights
* getting stuck in Vegas when all you want to do id go home
* blisters
* feeling a cold coming on
* chapped lips
* dry skin on your back
* when David goes out of town
* tech problems
* the car wreck I was in
* cancer
* walking into a cold house
* Christmas
* people running red lights
January 12th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
People at the dog park who ask me what I do. I assume they mean as a profession and guess what?? I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT WORK. God!
January 12th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
i know i am a day late but ….
the crabby list has perfect timing.
things that irk me today:
- having skunk smell in my car!!!
- the argument that it can’t possibly smell skunky in a car if the skunk was not physically inside the car.
YES. IT. CAN.
- watching someone not take full advantage of opportunities in front of them. repeatedly.
- unfortunate haircuts taking a loooong time to grow out. also, having to find a new hair dresser.
- having plans on hold indefinitely until someone gets around to answering.
- finding the most gorgeous boots and not being able to give them a good, loving home.
- my highly sensitive stomach.
the love list
- late night car washes
- odor removal solutions from the ‘net
- local radio station’s push for a new Feb. stat holiday - go BC!
- upcoming events to look forward to.
- crabby lists! misery loves company.