I know.

THIS IS NOT PROTOCOL.

This is supposed to be a love list!

But folks… I gotta be honest. I just don’t have it in me today.

I realize that the love list is to help me and everyone else shake off any bleah/whiny/snarly/crabby attitude before the weekend hits. I suppose I should really persist against the forces of MEH that are holding me back and fight the good fight.

After all, I’m a lucky and blessed girl.

Then again, I’m also allowed to have crap days now and then.

That’s why I think I’m going to do something a little different and clear my decks of all the crabbies by being… well… crabby. And never using the term “crabbies” again. Ew.

Seriously. Ew.

Ahem.

So without further explanation — because, really, it’s FINE — the Crabby List.

THINGS IRKING ME

Automated response phone systems that sound like really smarmy people you would not hang out with, had you any choice in the matter. People who say “Sorry about that.” when you refuse their suggestion of “Did you say you want to connect to Monkey Tuna?”

Seinfeld quoters

The valley in the middle of my bed that claims me every night WHOOSH!

The fluorescent-bulb like pastiness of my face

People who call someone who is larger than a size 6 “full-figured”. Oh yeah? I call you “full-idiot”

People who don’t stop at crosswalks, ESPECIALLY in the rain because HOW IMPORTANT IS YOUR SCHEDULE, NO I INSIST YOU GO FIRST AND I DIDN’T NEED THAT LIMB, NO WORRIES!

Constant toe-stubbing

Reality television in general

How quickly organic produce fails. As my roommate once said, the bananas are like “HI EAT ME EAT ME! Oh, too late.”

Too-short pants

Last night’s bus driver, who was so startlingly rude that he almost killed my I JUST SAW ELVIS COSTELLO IN WHOLE FOODS OMG buzz (not quite, though.)

People who obsess more than I do about finding me “that special someone.” Stop! How do you know what I think is special? Yoinks.

How ALL air fresheners smell like someone’s grandma bathed in Lysol and apple juice.

The rip in my jeans. Drafty!

That itchy spot on my back I can’t reach because of my short flipper arms. And while I’m at it, short arms. Flailflailflail.

People who obsess about Britney Spears and perpetuate the drama by not taking their eyes off the whole thing. As soon as the media stops creating their own tragedies and then “wondering what went wrong” maybe I’ll be able to take them seriously. Nah, that’s not gonna happen either.

The price of the damn shoes.

“Pap” as an abbreviation for “paparazzi”. Eeek. Couldn’t you do “razzi” or something?

People who hate Top 40 just to be cool.

My own annoying weirdness about getting my hair cut. Who cares? It’s just hair! You are not a supermodel! Few people will even notice. Get ye a grip!

Larry King. Always. Forever. Dear mercy. Suspenders SNAP SNAP!

The really cold, bucketesque rain that falls when I’m just trying to get somewhere and look like something other than a wet kitten.

Hormones. Enough said. Grrrr.

Fall Out Boy

People who say, “Must be nice” whenever something good happens to you. WELL, YES, THANKS. IT IS.

Anything used to measure popularity on the Internet. You’ll see why next week. Sigh.

Gummi candies that have gone rock-hard.

Most chatspeak abbreviations, especially used by those over the age of 30. And if you’re over 40, we should really chat. And not like this: LOL UR BN SO MEAN.

***

And you?

I recommend you not follow my path and choose a Love List instead, as I normally would.

But if you gotta vent… go right ahead.