frenetic.
I’ve always been one to think a single thought at a time.
Usually I’m cycling through four or five different processes: making plans, rethinking old conversations, problem solving, problem creating, detail fixating, general bananacrackerdom…
You get the idea.
If you ask me what I’m thinking, you’ll get a shrug because the list is too damn long.
I don’t really settle down, ever. Not when I’m falling asleep. Not when I’m actively engaged in a pressing task. Not when I’m watching tv or reading or doing anything where my thoughts should ideally give way to a little bit of fantasy or escape.
It’s kind of crazymaking at times, but I’m used to how I think. I can accomplish pretty much anything I need to over the white noise.
Most of the time.
Some days, it gets so loud in there that the noise trickles down to my heart.
Those are the days when I have a million questions, when I’m wondering what will happen, when I’m torn between things I need to do and things I want to do, when I’m frustrated but holding my tongue because saying something out loud will only turn up the volume inside, when I’m so close to agitated that I can practically see static on a screen.
I’ve had more of those days lately.
I’m tired of how quickly time is passing with so little to show for it. I’m realizing I’ve convinced myself I’m achieving something because I let myself get stressed out.
I’m using the white noise as an excuse not to drill down and figure out my own life.
Today, I woke up so frenetic that I could barely settle on an idea for longer than two minutes. I just kept thinking of lists and ideas and tiny crises and big crises and by the time I got in the shower, I could barely differentiate between the shampoo and the conditioner. I was too busy trying to do a mental budget for February and worrying about a conversation I’d had and cursing my lack of discipline.
What?
I only get like this when I’m unsatisfied. I only get like this when I want to make real connections and real goals and real achievements and can’t seem to get there.
It’s clear that flailing isn’t much of a substitute for living. And getting stuck in your head is like rolling up all the windows in your car on a hot sunny day.
Someone asked me last year if I could name three things I’d like to be by the age of 35. I think they were speaking of roles I’d like to inhabit, but I’d just gone through a major readjustment of my expectations, so all I could think of for a moment was “grateful.”
Now I’d add “peaceful.” Which is different than slow or quiet, because I don’t think my brain will ever be these things.
But a little peace would not go amiss.
November 20th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
Well, you certainly aren’t alone on that. Quite often I find myself frantically switching from thought to thought to thought. It sure drains a person. I wish sometimes that I could just shut off my mind and spend a few minutes thinking of nothing at all. Nothing.
November 20th, 2007 at 3:15 pm
Peaceful and grateful. Both beautiful things to be- though not easy to achieve. I had such a hard time falling asleep through school that my parents bought me a tape recorder so i wouldn’t have to turn on a light to write things down.
Mediation totally escapes me, but then again I’m not sure I would really want a silent mind. I wish I could have a checklist that allows me to check things that I DON’T want to think about….
November 20th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
Mmmm, what gets me all the time isn’t rethinking old conversations so much as imagining potential ones. There are some people I’ve had more imaginary conversations with than real ones, I think; sometimes it’s about anticipating a confrontation, other times it’s wishful thinking, other times it’s just blather.
Whatever it is, I don’t know how to shut it off either.
November 20th, 2007 at 5:14 pm
Go to a yoga class. A good instructor starts the class by reminding you that for the next 60 - 90 minutes there is no need to be anywhere else or to be thinking about anything but what your body is doing. It took me a while to get used to it and for the first few classes I had to constantly remind myself to shut it all off but I find it easier now and I soooo look forward to that time!
November 20th, 2007 at 5:32 pm
So often we are both on the same wavelength. It’s scary really.
November 20th, 2007 at 5:53 pm
I echo Coralynn’s advice. Yoga helps quiet the inner hubbub tremendously. So does meditation or tai chi.
They might seem like very hippy-dippy New Agey things to do but the truth is, they offer tremendous mental and physical benefits.
(The spiritual benefits are simply an added bonus. ;-)
November 21st, 2007 at 11:18 am
Hummingbirds are never peaceful. So I guess that’s that for me :(
I think you can be peaceful :) I hope so anyways!
November 24th, 2007 at 9:41 am
A lot of this resonated with me. Now, I’m the least new-agey person you could imagine, but I’ve found that any form of structured, scheduled (and preferably witnessed?) relaxation exercise can yield benefits. In my case, it was having regular reiki sessions with a trainee practitioner. Now, I don’t really *believe* all that guff about balancing chakras - but I freely *chose* to buy into it, and bury my doubts - and I have to say that the sessions really did tune down the static in my brain, quite remarkably so.