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I make a lot of mistakes.

I mean a lot of mistakes.

When it comes to mistakes, I am a leader in the industry.

I’m not sure that’s true, actually, because I know a lot of other people who make mistakes, too. Big ones. Often. With consequences and everything.

I just know it seems that I excel, and I’m all about how things seem.

Maybe that’s a mistake?

Hmm.

There are a lot of different ways to make mistakes. I think most mistakes fit under the same five categories, though:

1. Something you did that you should not have done.
2. Something you didn’t do that you should have done.
3. Something you said that you should not have said.
4. Something that you should have said that you didn’t.
5. The clothing of the 80’s.

My mistakes fit under all of these categories. Hence why I think I’m prodigious.

More often than not, however, I’m a big category 2 and 3 kind of girl. Which makes me sound like a hurricane… and I think that’s accurate at times.

I am a master of inaction and inappropriate words.

Kind of like a large rock spray-painted with a curse that offends people every time they drive by.

(That image reminds me of where I grew up. A category 5 town if ever there was one.)

When I look back on my recent mistakes, I can clearly see that most of what has gone wrong has happened as a result of procrastination and avoidance, coupled with a achingly sharp tongue.

How, you ask?

Well.

I put tough things off to the point where they become traumatic (or merely stupid) and then react badly when people say to me, “Hey, uh, if you’d done that sooner — or at all — you wouldn’t be in this position.”

Not really one for the accountability, you might say.

I also possess this odd desire to let the people that are closest to me know when they’ve hurt me. This is particularly wicked, because a) usually they didn’t mean to hurt me, and b) they’ve already apologized.

Which is when you let it go, right? Right.

But I have to make sure they really know, and then — mere seconds later! — I’m wishing I’d just shut up. By then the damage is done, though, and I’m caught in a stupid cycle again through some misguided effort to be “honest.”

Which is bullshit, really. Because it’s never about honesty at that point, it’s about hitting back.

And we all know how helpful that is. Especially when no one hit you in the first place.

Yeah.

I was looking up quotes on mistakes, because that’s a truly nerdy way to process thought.

People talk a lot about mistakes, I discovered. Famous people. Successful people.

In fact, if you wanted to feel awesome about all the mistakes you’ve made, read these quotes. Because apparently, making mistakes will lead to greater success, mental clarity, overcoming challenges, major discoveries, and massive personal development.

Nice!

Now I have like, ten good reasons to keep screwing up!

But the kind of mistakes I make are not advancing into the wrong country or messing up a digit in a formula or making a movie with Marlon Brando in his later career or trying to sell milk to cows, or any of the other classic successful people mistakes that they recount in inspirational talks at charitable events, or on Oprah.

(Which is a mistake in and of itself, but I’ll leave that alone for now.)

No, the kind of mistakes I make are not ones I learn from, because I keep making them. And I don’t make them in the midst of trying to do something positive, but rather the ongoing effort to indulge my own fears or hurt.

And that’s what needs to change.

Things happen in life and in relationships that suck. They blindside you and leave you at a loss. They embarrass you or scare you or confuse you. They make you wonder if they are going to become patterns, and not just one-time events. They make you think that how you saw the world before was somehow wrong or naive, and that you should have been prepared for what happened.

These things happen to everyone.

But what happens afterwards is what defines us. What happens when the dust settles, and there’s finally something to do besides lie on the ground and wonder why the truck chose to hit you.

I know this is what all those quotes refer to, and that’s why I react so sarcastically.

Because I know what I do.

I lie there in the middle of the road, daring something else to hit me and yelling at the drivers swerving around me. Or I sit in the ditch off to the side, watching traffic go by.

It hasn’t gotten me anywhere, the anger.

Not moving? Well, the results are obvious.

So I want something else now. Badly. Because I’ve finally realized I can have something else.

The past couple years of my life have taught me what’s possible when you take action and deal with your challenges and mistakes in constructive ways. I’ve done positive things that were incredibly difficult for me, and I’m proud of each one of those moments. The people who love me are proud, too.

I’ve also learned how destructive I can be when I refuse to move forward in life. The people who love me? Not such a fan of those times.

It’s overwhelming to realize everything that needs to change, and what needs work in how I communicate. How many mistakes there are to learn from. How many times I should have done things differently.

But it’s no more overwhelming than the thought of losing the people I love and the opportunities I desire by letting things stay the same.

Because I love the people I love.

And there are opportunities.

So I might as well get out of the road today.