Today’s list comes to you courtesy of the arachnid that decided to scale the majestic heights of ME.

Basically, Mr. Shirt Spider left me twitching like a junebug in a skillet. Every time my hair touches my neck, I do an odd sort of squealy dance.

(Which sounds like Steely Dan, but is very different.)

I’ve decided that the only solution to my issue is to cleanse my jittery, flappy-armed soul with a complete list of all the things/sensations/experiences that COMPLETELY skeeve me out. The Skeeve List, as it were.

If you decide to make your own Skeeve List on your own blog, please link to it in the comments. And if you don’t have a blog, fill up the comments with skeevitude. Everyone loves a good skeeve.

I’m twitching involuntarily RIGHT NOW!

THE TOP 30 SKEEVES

1. The noise that junebugs make, slamming into lightbulbs.
2. The smooshy dark green sliminess of no-longer-fresh lettuce.
3. Teeth covered in lipstick.
4. Clammy handshakes.
5. Touching Styrofoam with freshly-trimmed fingernails.
6. Deep, chest-clearing coughs by people you don’t know in your immediate proximity (elevator, bus, coffee shop lineup, TB clinic waiting room)
7. Silverfish.
8. The sound of cottage cheese doing anything at all.
9. Pickled things that should not be pickled (eyeballs, eggs, hooves, lips, ears)
10. Canned gravy.
11. Guys who refer to their friends as “the posse.”
12. Moist towelettes.
13. Earwigs on ceilings (HE’S GOING TO FALL INTO YOUR EAR AND EAT YOUR BRAIN!)
14. People who pat your back weakly when they hug you.
15. Chains lodged in chest hair.
16. Axe body spray.
17. Those neon car lights under the chassis (or whatever the correct term would be.) Custom, yo!
18. Mouth-open eating of any kind.
19. Jellied salads.
20. Gas station bathrooms.
21. Excessive mayo in sandwiches.
22. Blue foods.
23. Leather bikinis.
24. Ultimate Fighting.
25. Men in unlined bathing suits. STOP IT.
26. Costco-size Velveeta.
27. Spiders that are not in gardens or the desert somewhere, stalking insects for documentaries.
28. Humidity.
29. Black bra, white t-shirt.
30. Sour cream and onion chips.

COME SKEEVE WITH ME!