If someone asked me to describe my current state in one word, I think I’d have to say, “REALLY SUPER MUCH AWAKE.”

Wait. That was four words.

The thing is, when you are this AWAKE you tend to have a lot of random and unconnected THOUGHTS flowing (dancing? bouncing? driving recklessly?) through your mind. When this occurs, the only thing you can do is try and clear a few away to either settle down the activity a little, or make room for MORE.

WHEEE!

So.

THE LAST SEVEN UNCONNECTED AND RANDOM THOUGHTS I HAD

1. I don’t like Diet Coke AT ALL. In fact, I get confused when I see people drinking it, because it tastes like chemicals mixed with chemicals mixed with acid. Blecccch. I don’t care if it has 1 calorie (or whatever the heck the count is.) It makes my mouth feel like a nuclear testing lab.

Using that logic to justify drinking something horrible is like saying you should eat more dirt because it’s “natural.” Go ahead. Have my bowl of soil.

2. Patchouli is potentially one of the worst “chosen smells” on earth. I mean, it doesn’t compete with sulfur or rotten eggs (wait, same thing) or sour milk, but you don’t go buy sour milk incense, either. You don’t choose a votive candle that smells like shoes. You don’t dab on a bit of Eau de Industrial Waste.

To me, Patchouli smells like something that has been left sitting in a damp spot for about a week, and then set on fire.

When something smells bad, that’s nature’s way of saying NO. Not, “Hey, this would make my dorm room smell more like home.”

3. Did you know that I cried at the movie Babe? I mean, I WEPT. Every time the piglet talked, I was literally sobbing. I still don’t understand why this happened. Was I overwhelmed by cuteness and sentimentality? Was I set adrift by the idea of orphan pigs? Do I have an emotional attachment to James Cromwell? I don’t know. And I also cried at Charlotte’s Web!

Wait a second! Is this leftover bacon guilt?

4. Why do computer speakers near me go TAT TAT TAT TAT TAT right before I get a text message or a phone call? That’s just weird. It’s like foreshadowing, except that it’s just a really random noise, and not some speech by a mysterious character in a novel alluding to “things your mother may not have told you about Barrie House… and the basement. And Jed, the gardener with the missing fingers. And your Aunt Louise.”

Creepy.

5. Air conditioning is rarely “just right.” Usually it’s not enough, and you’re sitting around feeling like a crockpot, or you’re freezing up like a tray of ice. Crockpot or ice cube tray. Which would you choose? I think I’d choose the ice cube tray, because then I could be added to a mojito. And swimming around in a giant mojito sounds way better than sitting in a giant vat of pot roast.

What?

6. Cooking terms make me giggle. Coddle. Curdle. Julienne. Chiffonade. Poach. Hahaha. Those are funny words. Seriously. I typed them while laughing. Oh! One more: Zest. Hahaha.

7. Sometimes, when I’ve had a lot of coffee, colours seem brighter. People seem louder. I seem smarter. And that’s when I know it’s ALL AN ILLUSION.

And that’s really all I’ve got.

(mostly)

But…

This paragraph in Cary Tennis’s latest column at Salon.com is sheer brilliance:

“… there are alarming similarities between moms and seasoned con artists. Both are brazen. Both act as if there is nothing wrong with what they are doing. They both tend to take charge in stressful situations whether they have the required expertise or not, and both are used to coming up with bogus excuses for doing things their own way.

They think on their feet with blazing speed, and their complicated pseudo-logic is known to cloud the mind. Con artists and moms both have elaborate sets of rules that don’t make sense. They both engage in hocus-pocus crazy talk. And they both know how to seize authority through sheer force of will, and in seizing authority paralyze the opposition.”

Ha!

(I love you, Mama!)

1. I MUST learn to salsa and merengue. Not make salsa and meringues, mind you, because I know how to do both of those things. Girl needs to DANCE.

2. I MUST learn how to bake a decent loaf of bread. NOT in a breadmaker. With my own wee hands. A happy, fluffy loaf with a nice crust and soft insides. Much like myself. What?

3. I MUST learn about the stock market. Not because I want to become a day trader (please, like I don’t stress out enough about using ATMs) but because it just feels like something a grown woman should know, you know?

4. I MUST learn how to cut hair for men. I think this would be a handy skill to help out the non-metrosexuals in my life who just need a trim. But I’d still try and refer them to a stylist, first.

5. I MUST learn how to freakin’ program a DVD player.

6. I MUST learn how to take a decent photo with a decent camera. I remember taking some photography classes in high school as a part of graphic arts (or something like that), but the only thing I learned was that darkrooms get way more trippy when you play the Doors under the red lights, and have to navigate around a very, very stoned person to develop your pictures.

7. I MUST learn how to argue nicely with the opposite sex. Sound ironic? Arguing nicely? I think it’s possible. I want to eliminate any vestiges of passive-aggressiveness or scathingness or lameness from the way I deal with conflict. And I also want to learn how to LET. THINGS. GO.

8. I MUST learn how to drive. I KNOW. It’s just stupid.

9. I MUST learn how to actually read books before I fall asleep at night without wanting to sit and write for two hours once I’m done. I’ve totally lost the ability to escape into things.

10. I MUST learn how to save more effectively for large purchases, like the new bed I need (in order to not become croissant-spine) and travel… and the new laptop that will eventually be necessary.

What do you want to learn this year?