30 questions *I* would ask if I had my own online dating program.
1. What does your mother call you?
2. What do your friends call you?
3. What does your parole officer call you? And how often does he call, anyway?
4. Do you have any pets?
5. Do your pets sleep with you?
6. Do your pets… erm… sleep with you?
7. Do you live with your parents?
8. Do you hate your parents?
9. Do you write about how much you hate them all over your arms with a Sharpie?
10. Do you live in any imaginary worlds, either in your head or online?
11. Have you been married in any imaginary worlds?
12. Have you been involved in any imaginary polygamist relationships?
13. Have you ever considered starting your own religion so you could have real polygamist relationships?
14. Do you believe you are a god?
15. If so, do you speak of yourself in the third person?
16. Are you into public nudity?
17. Did you just misread the word “public”?
18. Are you on MySpace?
20. If yes, are you a teenager, a pervert or an undercover police officer? Please choose one:
21. Do you live on a “compound” of any kind?
22. Do you own more than, say, eight guns?
23. Do you keep them loaded?
24. Do you use them when YOU’RE loaded?
25. Speaking of loaded, do you think the world needs more romantic comedies?
26. Do you pretend you’re in a romantic comedy now and then?
27. Do you pretend you’re Meg Ryan?
28. Are you Meg Ryan?
29. Do you dream of having a naked polygamist relationship with Meg Ryan and your pets on your compound?
30. If you answered yes to the above, what is your estimated date of prison release?
June 21st, 2007 at 11:16 am
I would join your dating site. Just to read the answers.
June 21st, 2007 at 11:48 am
I think I am now nominating you to start a dating site. I will join and even give you true answers.
June 21st, 2007 at 12:23 pm
All valid questions, these.
June 21st, 2007 at 12:39 pm
Hil.ar.i.ous!
What are your questions for the women - assuming the Meg Ryan question was aimed at the men?
June 21st, 2007 at 12:45 pm
as someone who met her husband on an online dating site, after having endured many dates that could have been mercifully avoided had you provided this list of questions, i think this is brilliant and wholly necessary.
June 21st, 2007 at 1:12 pm
*chuckles* - that’s too much, Meg. You really want answers? Okay then, but I’ll have to do it when I get home from work since it’s 5:30am here and I’m about to head out the door.
*still chuckling* (and wondering if his answers will be anywhere near as funny as the questions…
:-)
June 21st, 2007 at 1:15 pm
1. MARY!
2. Mary, Mares, Hey You.
3. #2209008765
4. Sort of. Inky is semi-feral cat who gladly eats what we feed him but will not let us touch him. He yells at us.
5. No.
6. NO!
7. OH HELL NO!
8. No, but my mother knows how to irritate the hell out of me, but how the hell can you be irritated at a 96 year old?
9. No, it’s too hard to get that crap off.
10. Well, there’s the imaginary world where I’m rich, but that’s definitely all in my head.
11. Only in the real one.
12. No. I wouldn’t want to unless I was the one with multiple husbands, and one of them would have to be George Clooney and another one would have to be Bill Clement.
13. No; too hard to keep track of the collections.
14. I believe I’m part of god.
15. No, that’s kind of arrogant. I want to lull them into thinking I’m nice.
16. Only if it’s George Clooney or Bill Clement.
17. Alas, no.
18. I’m way too old for MySpace. I’d feel out of place. (Rhyme!)
20. N/A
21. No, just a townhouse.
22. No, but my brother does. He calls himself a collector; I call him a nut.
23. I don’t think he does.
24. I hope he doesn’t! They ARE locked up in gun safes, thank God.
25. Always.
26. Sure! I could use a good laugh.
27. No, I pretend I’m Katharine Hepburn, a la Bringing Up Baby.
28. No, and sadly, I’m not Katharine Hepburn either.
29. No, but maybe I should.
30. Talk to my parole officer.
June 21st, 2007 at 4:53 pm
I’m fifteen. I think you’re cool. I read your blog everyday. Just thought maybe you’d like to know.
June 21st, 2007 at 5:19 pm
1. NA
2. NA
3. At least he calls.
4. I’ve always wanted a puppy
5. to cuddle and keep me warm
6. in bed . . .oops wait a minute.
7. NO
8. HATE is such a weak word.
9. My arms are too small a canvas.
10. It’s good to have an active imagination.
11. NO.
12. Yes, then my wife can spend time nagging her other husbands.
13. No, I’m too lazy to start one myself. Besides there are enough polygamist religions to join.
14. If God was one of us (Joan Osborne)
15. NA
16. No, private nudity is so much better.
17. I don’t understand your question. Please repeat 6 times quickly.
18. No,
20. but maybe I should be.
21. Yes, the chemical compound is (1S,2S)-2-methylamino-1-phenylpropan-1-ol (pseudoephedrine antihistimine).
22. Wait, let me count them.
23. Wait, let me check.
24. Refer to 21.
25. Yes, although the classics from the 40’s are the best.
26. A comedy perhaps.
27. NO.
28. Wait, let me check.
29. Now that you’ve mentioned it, ask me tomorrow.
30. Maybe by the time I finally finish this questionaire.
June 21st, 2007 at 10:24 pm
1. “my Sam”
2. Sam, Sambo, Sammo, Sammy
3. What does your parole officer call you? And how often does he call, anyway? 145 F 167 once ever three weeks
4. Do you have any pets? I am close with a cat that lives at my mom’s
5. Do your pets sleep with you? Nope
6. Do your pets… erm… sleep with you? I wouldn’t say there was any sleeping goin’ on ;)
7. Do you live with your parents? No
8. Do you hate your parents? No…they are very beautiful, loving, and generous people. Having said that…they are very “smart” for their generation. Their politics is cute. Hyuk
9. Do you write about how much you hate them all over your arms with a Sharpie? NO. Besides….that would mean I was ALMOST EMO
10. Do you live in any imaginary worlds, either in your head or online? yes….I had a vivid imagination when I was a kid….neither the kid in me nor any reasonable adult have told me to stop yet.
11. Have you been married in any imaginary worlds? No
12. Have you been involved in any imaginary polygamist relationships? Yes, but the publicists who represent the people with whom I have imagined relationships do not wish me to share my imaginary world fantasies.
13. Have you ever considered starting your own religion so you could have real polygamist relationships? Not just for that
14. Do you believe you are a god? Lower case G? hmmmmm…:( no
15. If so, do you speak of yourself in the third person? He does not
16. Are you into public nudity? Depends who the pubic is…hahahahahahahahahahah… wait a second…
17. Did you just misread the word “public”? Oh….aaaahhhhahahahahaa clever
18. Are you on MySpace? yes www.myspace.com/samdrums
20. If yes, are you a teenager, a pervert or an undercover police officer? Please choose one: ummmm…………….2?
21. Do you live on a “compound” of any kind? no
22. Do you own more than, say, eight guns? More than eight? No
23. Do you keep them loaded? No
24. Do you use them when YOU’RE loaded? No
25. Speaking of loaded, do you think the world needs more romantic comedies? Yes……oh!…and have you stopped beating your wife?
26. Do you pretend you’re in a romantic comedy now and then? All the time
27. Do you pretend you’re WITH Meg Ryan? used to ;)
28. Are you Meg Ryan? no
29. Do you dream of having a naked polygamist relationship with Meg Ryan and your pets on your compound? I knew you were trying to get at someting!
30. If you answered yes to the above, what is your estimated date of prison release?…………………………………….(THE OHIO STATE PENETENTIARY HAS TEMPORARILY SUSPENDED SERVICE FOR THE INMATE DUE TO A ‘TIME USE VIOLATION’ AS OUTLINED IN ‘THE OHIO STATE PENAL CODE CODE OF CONDUCT’ UNDER SECTION: 12.223.a
WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE
June 22nd, 2007 at 3:47 am
1. She used to call me Scotty but she’s been gone several years now.
2. Friends? The dust mites in my bed chirp at me sometimes.
3. I’m a good boy.
4. No.
5. I’m a ‘no pets on the furniture’ kinda guy
6. Eerm, no.
7. They’re both gone now so, no.
8. No. But I never knew my father that well.
9. Nope.
10. I love fantasy books and I’d love to be a wizard in a world of dragons and elves and magic but no, not much, really.
11. No. But I had to fight off an amorous amazon warrior once.
12. Nope, strictly a one-gal kinda guy.
13. Nope, I’m agnostic, in all the worlds I live in.
14. Heck no. But I wouldn’t mind too much if I could find a woman who would worship me - well, maybe just like me a lot, or notice me…
15. Scotty talks to himself often, usually only in the first and second perspectives, however.
16. Into it? No. Up for it? Hmmm, the right woman, the right location; I could be tempted.
17. No, I like the Brazilian myself.
18. Yes.
20. None of the above.
21. Apart from the imaginary world I often run away to? No.
22. Nope, no guns.
23. see above
24. see above, and besides, I haven’t been loaded in years.
25. Absolutely.
26. Absolutely.
27. Hmmm, I’m gonna plead the 5th here.
28. He’s not sure.
29. Do I dream of having a naked relationship with Meg Ryan on my planet? Now and then.
30. I’m the warden….
June 22nd, 2007 at 7:16 pm
I was going to say that this should really weed out the field… but I see that it already has….
January 12th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
see? the lists. ppl LOVE you for the lists. ;)