megfowler.com

I wish I was a lawyer.

Okay, I don’t really wish I was a lawyer.

I mean, I’d planned to be one, but in the end, decided I was not cut out for articling or the tedium of jury selection or basically any of the things lawyers did that didn’t involve going after a shifty witness or making closing arguments.

I could rock the shifty witness and the closing arguments, though.

My friends will tell you that I tend to ask a lot of probing questions. Also? I spend hours on end figuring out how to best convey and support my own ideas. Even if I’m just trying to express how I feel about Duran Duran or lemons.

So perhaps I’m living out those legal dreams in my day-to-day life.

But the legal trick I MOST wish I could incorporate into my daily existence is that “withdrawn” thing.

You know the one.

A lawyer goes to make an argument or ask a question or do pretty much anything that will clearly get them in trouble, and right around the time the other lawyer moves to object (or even shortly thereafter), they simply say, “Withdrawn, your honour.”

What?

Did we all just pretend to forget that you ACCUSED SOMEONE OF MURDER? Or that you asked the defendant’s BRA SIZE in an insider trading case? Or that you poked a juror in the eye with a stick?

Why, yes we did. Because you withdrew it. You took it back. You struck it from the record.

I mean, of course the judge and the jury heard it, and of course it’s all they can think about, and of course you TOTALLY DID IT ON PURPOSE, but no. It’s fine.

Withdrawn.

I WANT THIS POWER.

I WANT TO WITHDRAW THINGS I SAY.

I WANT TO STRIKE IT FROM THE RECORD SO THAT NO ONE CAN REMIND ME OF IT EVER, EVER AGAIN.

I mean, sure. Go ahead. Remember I said it. You are free to place it on your heart and cherish it there for years to come.

You just can’t JUDGE me for it.

Ha HA!

Catherine and I have taken to insulting one another, and then withdrawing it. It’s completely awesome.

“I hate you. Withdrawn.”

“You totally suck. Withdrawn.”

“I can’t stand a single word you say. Withdrawn.”

“You smell funny. Withdrawn.”

It’s the ultimate “Get Out of Jail Free” card.

I swear, there are a few people I’d still be dating if I’d had this power. Or a few blowouts I could have avoided. Or, conversely, a few choice things I COULD have said if I’d just had the comprehensive power of a Cosmic Do-Over.

Errr… Cosmic Take-Back.

Er… Cosmic Screw-You-Ha!-But-WITHDRAWN!

Mmm… it’s the best idea EVER.

Better than coffee, even.

Withdrawn.