nothing rhymes with honesty.
I have no idea how to start this post.
I’ve tried a few different lead-ins, and everything just ends up sounding stupid. Not that I’m usually all that far from stupid on my lead-ins, but nothing feels right or true or even a little bit sincere.
It felt like I was trying to buffer what was coming next, and I don’t think I’m going to do that today.
I’m coming up on my 33rd birthday in less than a month, and while I know that 33 is nowhere near “old”, I’m feeling like the last few years have aged me more than the entire span of my twenties. Or my teens, for that matter.
Lots of good things have happened in that time, too, of course.
I always feel compelled to mention that, for whatever reason. It’s not like my life is the most difficult one out there, or that my experiences are impossible, or that I want to be pitied. Compared to most, my life is easy.
But I think part of the reason I’ve struggled so much over the past few years is that I have a little problem with that “comparison thing.”
Comparing my life with other peoples’ lives to make conclusions about my own, to be more specific.
It wouldn’t be so much of an issue if the conclusions weren’t so rarely good.
Am I a good enough friend? Am I too emotional? Am I dealing with things appropriately? Am I where I’m supposed to be financially, relationally, emotionally, mentally? Am I failing when I should succeed? Am I being a giant pain in the ass?
Comparison has become my gauge of success. It’s not a good gauge — I’m certain of that — but it’s still how I organize things in my head.
Currently, the comparison gauge is telling me that I should be in better shape, that I should be in a relationship of some kind, that I should be saving for a house, that I should be submitting articles to major publications, that I should have known I couldn’t have kids years ago so I could be in the adoption mindset, that I should earn more respect from the people around me, that I should be less frustrated by small things, that I should be better organized, that I should have less in the way of regret.
And the worst thing? It tells me that I’m too late for half the things I want, and too screwed up for the other half. That’s just stupid.
But I believe it sometimes, late at night, when I think about all the steps it will take to get where I want to go.
Fighting that voice is a big part of who I am right now. For every positive move I make forward, there’s a huge part of me kicking myself because I’m not all the way there yet.
My parents will tell you I’ve always been this way… prone to beat myself up about failures and unable to learn things one step at a time. I want to be perfect, and I want to get it right NOW.
I used to stop learning things because it was taking too long to become good at them. Which is insane. And shows a lack of discipline. And forethought.
Yeah. I’m a real prize.
I know I need to work on all of that. I need to work on a lot of things.
People give me lots of advice about being my own person and living according to my own standard and not existing to make anyone else happy and all sorts of other sage thoughts that are true and even a little irritating now and then.
Because my problem is not that I don’t know. My problem is that I don’t act on that knowledge.
I’m also not as honest as I should be about where I’m at on any given day. The comparison gauge tells me to suck it up and keep going because that’s what the people I admire do.
But for all the reserve I try to practice — and despite my desire to protect the people I love from my own frustrations — I still have to be honest about it sometimes.
After all, I’m not the people I admire. I’m just me.
So I have a few things to tell you.
I have to tell you that this is hard.
I have to tell you that being sick and then being sick in a different way on top of it makes me feel like I’m running a marathon with ankle weights.
I have to tell you that I’m sometimes envious that other writers can open themselves up completely without consequence online.
I have to tell you that I struggle to make it some days. Not in the sense that I don’t want to get out of bed or that I don’t function just fine by all accounts. No, I struggle with feeling deep down like I am only half the person I am intended to be.
I have to tell you that blogging has felt impossible to me at some points as of late because I have nothing wise or funny to say, and if I don’t say anything cheerful, people stop reading, which is anathema for me as a writer. I know I owe you better.
I have to tell you that I’m horrified by the thought of disappointing anyone, but I also know I do it every day.
I have to tell you that I don’t feel like I do enough for other people anymore, but that I’m also trying hard to get back to that place.
I tell you all of these things because acknowledging them makes me work harder to change.
And also because I get sick of not saying them when I am trying to hold myself together.
Or when I think I shouldn’t say them, because I should be stronger.
Regardless, this is me.
And I don’t know how to end this post, either.
March 22nd, 2007 at 1:49 pm
I will not tell you that you are awesome or that I love your writing, although they are both true.
I will say - I often feel the same way.
March 22nd, 2007 at 2:08 pm
I understand the comparison thing. It is a dangerous game to play, yet sometimes we simply can’t help ourselves. I, too, am guilty of this game. I am constantly comparing my life to those around me. Shouldn’t we be in a house by now? Shouldn’t I be phoning my friends far away more often? How come I can’t manage to get out of bed just half an hour earlier to make my hair look nice, rather than the normal curly mass it always seems to be? Why can’t I get to the gym every single day rather than just a few days a week? How come I’m not always polite and smiling and sunshine?
I know where you are coming from. You are in my thoughts. I know that I can’t understand the exact situation that you are in, because I am not in it, but from one comparer to another…I get it.
I hope that your 33rd year is one of joy and non-comparisons. I hope it is the year of Meg being Meg…because who you are is probably just who God intends you to be! There are probably hundreds of people that admire YOU and compare themselves to you each and every day!
March 22nd, 2007 at 2:17 pm
you are so fantastic to open up like this, to put yourself out there … truly …
i don’t think you have to be cheerful all the time, people will still read you because you write well, because you’re interesting, because you’re you (whoever that is at any given moment)
and wow ~ you have yourself a list of all the things you want to accomplish (your comparison gauge) and how cool is that, that puts you ahead of a lot of people (if you want to play that comparison gauge ~ which i think we all do to some extent)
i really have nothing to offer because i’m not the people i admire either but i like reading you … just saying …
March 22nd, 2007 at 2:59 pm
i think everyone does the comparison thing. i know i do. i mean, at 46 years old, i am not living the life i imagined when i was younger. but, life is what it is, and we have to wake up each day and get out of bed and breathe in and out and live.
otherwise, what’s the point?
March 22nd, 2007 at 3:05 pm
Maybe I’m weird, but I actually like sad!Meg.
Cheerful people are people, too. True story.
March 22nd, 2007 at 3:07 pm
Admitting all these things is better than hiding from them. I’m proud of you for this. Excellent post.
Also, I can’t imagine why people would stop reading because you’re not funny sometimes. I appreciate seeing all sides of you here, not just the super-happy and eternally optimistic. Honestly, that would get a little boring. And I might think you were a robot.
I adore you and your writing, any which way.
March 22nd, 2007 at 3:31 pm
Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.
—- Dr. Seuss
Breathe. Move. Hold open your arms and feel the love. It’s all over here.
March 22nd, 2007 at 3:44 pm
Meg - we all think you’re a prize. Love and best wishes from England.
March 22nd, 2007 at 3:54 pm
Love and hugs, Meg.
March 22nd, 2007 at 4:28 pm
I have to tell you that I often check you site for inspiration. How can one girl write so well…so often.
I have to tell you that you are one of the funniest, most honest people I’ve read in a long, LONG time.
Most of us don’t care if you are faking it on some days (even alot of days). I (we) feel bad that you don’t feel like yourself all the time…but I think it’s more out of genuine concern….not because it ever shows….or affects the contents of what you put out there for us to enjoy.
I have to tell you that it’s refreshingly and liberating to read about someone who is normal….not perfect….not horrible….but wonderfully normal* in so many important ways.
(* please do not mistake this for me minimizing the fact that you are sick, it must be very hard)
I wish good things for you during this next year. I can’t wait to keep reading along.
March 22nd, 2007 at 4:37 pm
Oh Meg, I don’t comment much but I always read your posts,
and though I enjoy the fun and quizzy ones, it’s because of these deep down and honest ones that I became a loyal reader. And I have to thank you for voicing exactly what I’ve been feeling too, and my heart goes out to you because I know how hard it all is. I won’t give you unsolicited advice, but I hope you know you don’t disappoint anyone by writing whats in your heart.
March 22nd, 2007 at 4:45 pm
OK, Meg, you need some real practical advice. Advice that will work for you all the way up to and beyond your birthday. So here it is:
When you feel in the mood to compare, just compare yourself to me. You will find, without fail and on every point, that your mood improves :)
March 22nd, 2007 at 6:15 pm
You have no idea how many people compare themselves to YOU. I’m guessing a fair amount of your readers wish they had the wherewithall to say the things you’ve just said, much less the ability to know themselves that well. I, for one, find myself envious of your self-knowledge very, very often.
Your kindness and courage in sharing this with ‘us’ is incomparable.
March 22nd, 2007 at 7:25 pm
You never, ever disappoint me.
March 22nd, 2007 at 10:20 pm
You know we love you. You are truly awesome. And if we get all that we want or achieve everything that we have wanted….then we want too little.
My pathetic attempt at philosophy. :)
Anyways, I think things are always gonna get better.
March 23rd, 2007 at 5:10 am
Just wanted to reitterate what lily said. I’m here everyday…becuase whether you are happy or sad or angry or frustrated or anywhere in between, you are an amazing writer and my breath of fresh air during a long work day. Meg, you are truly amazing…never doubt that!
March 23rd, 2007 at 5:29 am
As Chuck said, Breathe. Open your hands and stretch out your fingers.
March 23rd, 2007 at 6:00 am
Try blogging without an audience cheering you on. ;)
It’s all good Meggie. You’re doing fine. Inanity has its place - do not reject it - embrace it!
A thought on celebrity (because as a person with a following, you are one) - People will act like they know you. They will in their hearts feel they do. They will pour their hearts out to you because they believe you really do care about them. And you very well might, but you still won’t really know them. That can feel dishonest. But it isn’t, because you didn’t choose it. They chose it and it is their illusion. It is up to you how to proceed from there.
I don’t know why I said this. You always encourage me to think thoughts for no apparent reason. And that’s a good thing.
March 23rd, 2007 at 7:04 am
Hey Shane… I didn’t always have an audience! But I wouldn’t dare classify myself as a “celebrity” of any kind. If my friend Eric sees that comment, he’ll take my blog away.
I do actually care about the people that come here, and quite a few of them are people I know in the “real world”, but I think most of us know that there’s only so much you can learn about a person from a blog. Even a blog where being “real” is important. That’s why we build friendships beyond these pixels.
But I can tell you that the only times I feel dishonest here are the times I don’t say what I think.
March 23rd, 2007 at 7:06 am
And THANK YOU to all of you who commented. It’s been a rough, rough time, but everything levels out eventually, right?
I appreciate your words more than you know.
March 23rd, 2007 at 1:01 pm
You should end it with a rhyme for honesty. Like “mama’s tea.” Because imagining your Mom smiling over a cup of tea will make you feel better.
*\o/* (cheerleader cheering for you — YAY MEG!)
March 23rd, 2007 at 1:13 pm
After (blessedly) never having been a person who compares myself to othrs and feels less-than and put-upon and always only halfway to where I want to be, I’m finding that all of a sudden (in my old age?), all of those feelings are starting to crop up for me. And it sucks. Because, like you, I know intellectually that I have it good, really good, and that most of the angst is completely unnecessary, not to mention unhealthy. But when we feel something, we feel it, and there’s not much we can do to change that. All we can change is what we do with it. I’m trying to figure it out. I think we all are.
March 23rd, 2007 at 2:35 pm
Sweetie, you don’t “owe” me anything. This is your blog and if you choose to never write another word in it, that is your choice. But, I would still care, in my internet bloggy way, about you. (((Meg)))