megfowler.com

It could be said that I stand out in public because I am a vibrant and graceful soul.

It would be wrong, but it could be said.

Like, if I paid you. Or threatened you. Or something.

The more accurate thing to say, however, would be that I stand out in public because I am a complete and utter gong show.

If something bizarre is going to happen to someone, it will happen to me. If someone is going to do something bizarre, it will likely be me.

I can’t seem to help it.

But it’s actually more fun and beneficial than you might think! I mean, when people aren’t laughing at me, they do laugh with me. And I get to know lots of useful stuff about tending to minor injuries… and stain removal.

What part of that sounds bad? That’s right — none of it.

So, as a sort of public service — just in case you were looking to emulate my creative, unpredictable lifestyle — I thought I’d give you a few tips on stumbling through the crowd:

1. Never dress appropriately for the weather. This strategy is obviously really easy to do, and one of the most low-maintenance attention-getters available — perfect for beginners! If you see that it’s raining, make sure you wear things that aren’t waterproof (extra points if you don a white shirt.)

If it’s cold out, avoid putting on proper shoes or a jacket. If dramatic exposure to the elements is imminent, you’re bound to get noticed! I can recall once when I figured the weather was fairly temperate, so I didn’t throw on any outer gear beyond my sweater and jeans and flip flops. I wasn’t even meaning to attract attention…

…but when a freak snowstorm hit, my toes bore the brunt. And oh, the stares! It worked like a charm.

And I totally don’t think my toe is going to be black forever.

2. Forget that not everyone can hear the same music you do. I’m not talking about the music that plays in your head, though if indeed music does play in your head, you’re bound to find your own way of making a spectacle.

But if you want people to really glare at you, it’s a good idea to sing along with whatever comes on your iPod, no matter where you are. Like, say, bank lineups… and Starbucks lineups… and buses. After all, if people stare at you, they probably just think you have a pretty voice, right?

3. Multitask ineffectively. Now, you’re probably saying, “Hey, Meg. I thought multitaskers were the kind of people who are always on the ball. They get stuff done! How could they make a spectacle of themselves?”

Ah, grasshopper. You have much to learn. The secret to multitasking ineffectively is combining tasks that don’t go together. Like eating crepes and typing drafts. Or talking on the phone while brushing your teeth. Or drinking coffee and running. Or putting on your pants while making a smoothie.

Why, just these four odd combinations could result in blueberries in your keyboard, poking yourself in the eye, dyeing your shirt brown, and forgetting to put the lid on your blender! I mean… they could. If you, uh… did them right.

Yeah. And not… uh… all in one day or anything.

4. Perform manual labour while you are engrossed in conversation. Nothing can derail an activity faster than getting involved in an engaging conversation at the same time. It’s kind of like ineffective multitasking… just much, much more perilous.

Today, I tripped into the street while giggling on my cell phone, scattered a multi-page draft all over the floor while chatting at the photocopier, dropped my banana bread on the floor while chatting about my latte preferences with the barista, and walked into a flower stand while saying hello to someone I knew on the street.

Being social really pays off, huh?

5. Get flustered and create a domino effect. Let’s say you head into a bathroom stall, undo your pants, and sit down. But say when you sit down that the toilet seat appears to be unanchored to the toilet itself. You feel yourself starting to fall to the side in your pantsless state.

Do you a) calmly stand, so as not to follow the seat trajectory to the floor; b) attempt to right the direction of the seat by shifting quickly in the other direction; or c) squeal, kick one leg out to save yourself and fling your flip flop under the door at the new girl washing her hands at the sink, smack your head against the side wall, and flush the toilet by accident when you stand up, spraying your pants and you all at once?

Gosh, I know what I’d choose.

6. Tell people all about it on your blog. Because, you know… why not?