good morning, this is my ass.
On the bus today, I was sitting near the front, since there were few other seats available, and no old or pregnant people rattling about.
Most of the time, I would stand anyway (just in case the elderly or knocked-up or elderly knocked-up appear) but today I was crazy tired. I needed to crash a little and prep my brain and body for work.
And that’s when the chaos began.
The first thing I did upon finding my seat was spill coffee all over my shirt. Which was okay, since the shirt is black. It didn’t even manage to soak through to the hot pink tank top underneath. I felt really lucky.
Until I spilled it on my pants.
In the midst of mopping that up with a random tissue I found in my purse, I let go of my iPod, which bounced onto my foot. Which a) hurt and b) probably took another one of the poor thing’s iLives.
When I bent to pick it up off the floor of the bus, I realized that my jeans were falling down.
Uh.
I now had the following in my hands:
-
tissue
iPod
cup of coffee
purse
umbrella
I had no free hand to yank my pants back up unless I could find a way to set something else down. And there was really nowhere to set anything, unless I asked the weird woman next to me to hold a couple items.
But she smelled of eggplant and looked enraged. So that didn’t seem like much of an option.
I shimmied a bit in my seat to try and send my jeans further back up my hips… but no luck.
I did, however, get the attention of the man across the aisle, who smiled and shimmied a little in his own seat.
As my stop approached, I knew I needed to do something, or risk a major underwear flash for 3/4 of the bus. I set my purse and umbrella down on the floor (DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS ON BUS FLOORS? EW.) and transferred everything to the other hand. But just as I reached to tug, the bus lurched quite suddenly, causing me to dump some of my coffee floorward.
Into my purse.
My purse which was now on the move. Rapidly.
Screw it.
I leapt to grab my purse, flashed the entire known universe — including the Shimmy Guy and Ms. Eggplant and the Somewhat Attractive Guy With Decent Hair Three Rows Back — and then sat back and took a long, thoughtful sip of what was left of my coffee.
It’s been an awesome day thus far.
February 20th, 2007 at 9:01 am
Ooof.
That might even beat my umbrella mutiny from the other day. In the middle of the narrow accordion part of the B-Line, while I was standing up to try to squeeze my way through the crowds to the door, my umbrella spontaneously inflated and would not be suppressed or subdued, compressing random strangers and spraying water over some girl’s chemistry notes. It was not one of my finer moments.
February 20th, 2007 at 9:06 am
that reminds me of my first chem lab in university. i was late; skytrain had mysteriously decided to stop working, and i had, in some strange fit of “i’ll-stick-it-to-these-science-types-and-show-them-what-style-really -is” decided to sport a plastic mini-skirt (to be fair it was the late 90’s). guess whose backpack opened in the midst of the busiest intersection in the city, lab materials cascading all about? needless to say, all of the many, many commuters that thursday morning were treated to a full view of my grandma flower-printed undies. ahh..the memories.
February 20th, 2007 at 9:08 am
and my co-workers wonder why I sit over here and snort coffee out my nose
February 20th, 2007 at 9:09 am
I wish I wish I wish I’d been wearing grandma undies.
February 20th, 2007 at 9:09 am
argh…is it still monday in vancouver? i may have you beat though…i was already running an hour and a half late this morning, and then i threw up in my car on the way to work. lovely.
February 20th, 2007 at 10:00 am
In a just universe, my social embarrassment will one day cause you to smile as much as I did this morning reading this.
Please tell us it wasn’t a thong.
February 20th, 2007 at 10:35 am
oh man. may the rest of your day get MUCH better! thanks for the laugh, though.
February 20th, 2007 at 10:36 am
But, you can always look at it this way, (and I feel retarded for even saying this after that fabulous body issues post)at least the jeans were too big and falling down rather than too small and constricting, right? There. You now have my two cents and a horrible attemp at being semi-comical for today.
February 20th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
The biggest bogie for me in all this is the potential volume of lost coffee at a critical hour of the morning. Buy my underwear later on eBay if that’s your thing, but NOTHING will replace that precious caffeine.
February 21st, 2007 at 3:04 am
LoL, this is really funny read, though must’ve been awful at the time, that’s why I never leave home without a belt cause my jeans always fall down my ass so much so that I look like one of those youngsters with saggy pants. But few times the belt has failed me and come open in the middle of the street, yikes, or while climbing out of a small car…
March 2nd, 2007 at 2:01 pm
You spilled coffee in your Coach purse?
You poor, poor woman.