In honour of Valentine’s Day:

THINGS I HATE

Artificial watermelon flavour
Gunky aquariums
When people use their cell phones like walkie talkies, complete with the BEEP
The price of books
Tim Allen movies
Overuse of the term “edgy” to describe anyone or anything
When people don’t know the difference between being honest and being an asshole
When I don’t know the difference between being honest and being an asshole
The sound of speakers buzzing from too much bass
Overly warm bedrooms
“Party” used as a verb
Throat-clearing to get someone’s attention: “Eh -EHM!”
The vast majority of reunion tours
The absence of lists
Oppressive humidity
Most movie reviews
Having my grammar corrected
The ongoing lameness of the trash talking in my hockey pool
Political condescension
Patchy wireless connections
The taste of Diet Coke
Sarcasm without end
People who smell inordinately much like flowers
Frappuccino/Ice Cap/Moolatte oil-based fluffy coffee drinks
Not being trusted
The celebration of unkindness
Kiefer Sutherland films
Joe Francis, always and forever
Losing my view at work to rampant construction
The smell of burnt plastic
When people ask more than four questions during a movie
Blisters on my feet
Going to the doctor
My sinuses
Cliffhangers

A turkey breast sub.
A pedicure.
No more headache.
To sing really loudly for a full hour in a place where no one else can hear me.
The biggest latte known to man.
The biggest blueberry muffin known to man. And not one of those oily Costco things, either.
Fresh SugarBath Sugar Lemon shower gel. So I can smell like a Lemonhead.
To avoid the sight of carnations the entire day.
To make a baby laugh really, really hard.
To find a book that I can’t put down.