love.
For those of you who are either new to this blog or completely oblivious (two states I both respect and affirm) — I’m not in a couple.
I don’t have a baby, either. Except everyone else’s.
I’m cool with these facts. For now.
But it’s funny to see how people navigate my singleness, in the most well-meaning ways. When I hold babies, they smile wistfully and reassure me that I will have my own. When they discuss their relationships, they make sure that I feel empowered to seek out my soulmate, whomever he may be.
Because we all have one.
Right?
Don’t we?
Should we worry about it?
Probably not.
In an odd twist of events, the older I get, the less I’m consumed with the questions or the possibilities. I’m not hung up on the pursuit. And I’m certainly not consumed with ideals.
I might love the notion of romance and the soundtrack of romance and all the trappings, but I know that there is no such thing as a flawless relationship.
There are choices and hard work and inspiration and passion and hope. And that’s it. There is no “one.” Maybe effort, maybe chemistry, maybe desire. Maybe all of those things. But a lid for your pot? A piece to complete your puzzle? The sun shining through your cloud? Nah.
There are songs and dances and memories made together and evenings out and stars and kisses, sure.
At the end of the day, though, you decide to make it work. Because nobody’s perfect and nobody’s right all the time. As long as humans are humans and we remain unpredictable in our needs and whims, we will fall in love and still go to sleep now and then slightly pissed off.
I look forward to it. If it happens. If anyone chooses to put up with Meg Fowler: Pain In The Ass.
I’m of a mind to suggest that having someone you care enough to be angry at is one of the surest ways to tell that you’re not alone in this big old world. As crazy as that might sound.
Whenever my friends come to me — me! — for relationship advice, I eventually have to raise the white flag and claim massive levels of ignorance. I don’t know! How does anyone know?
How is anyone ever sure of anything?
But then I end up giving ignorant advice (or as Nancy calls it, assvice) anyhow, because that’s just how I am. And here’s my advice (assvice):
- You don’t always have to be right. Or get to be.
- Going to bed angry is not the end of the world.
- Accepting anger as a way of life might be, though.
- Sometimes, you’re actually the jackass.
- He really does love your body. No foolin’. And vice versa.
- The colour of the living room is not grounds for divorce.
- You might have married into a family, but you didn’t marry them.
- Never fight before you go to a party. If you feel it coming on, agree to drop it. And drop it.
- Past relationships are not a blueprint. They’re just what you did before.
- Dance at stupid times. At the very least, you’ll get a laugh.
- Being an hour late is actually really disrespectful the 100th time you do it. Or the 10th.
- Have you told them that? Because if you haven’t, you shouldn’t tell everyone else.
- Drama is something that is good on TV and horrible in the car.
- You need not merge CD collections.
- Don’t freak out if you don’t cherish the same memories.
- If you can’t think of something nice to say, say something funny.
- Your mom is not always the best tech support hotline for your marital woes. She’s biased.
- You need not watch the same TV shows.
- Cook together, though.
- Learn to listen NOW. Shutting up is an excellent first step.
- Snoring can cause more problems than you think. Go see the damn doctor.
- You don’t have to tell your friends everything.
- Real or artificial might be a big deal for boobs, but it ain’t for Christmas trees. Let it go. You can live without the Douglas Fir if it makes him sneeze.
- The cat will not be scarred for life if you kick it off the bed now and then.
I love love.
But I know it doesn’t come without sacrifice.
It better not come without laughter.
And that’s all I know.
January 25th, 2007 at 8:58 am
Mostly, I agree with you; though I have yet to find the ability to ‘drop’ a disagreement pre-party. here’s hopin’…I really believe in, “Have you told them that? Because if you haven’t, you shouldn’t tell everyone else.” As a very wise, happily-married, long-time Keats’ nurse said to me once, “Be loyal to your spouse–when they’re in the room, and when they’re out of it.” Let me just say that that is perhaps the most relationship-saving advice I have ever been given. Also, avoid IKEA when you’re in a rough patch, or if you have children in tow. Have you ever counted the number of marital squabbles happening simultaneously in that place???
January 25th, 2007 at 9:47 am
Heh, the cat advice at the end is a good one. I had to tell my boyfriend that, when he felt he wasn’t allowed to get up because my cat was lying on his legs. He was like, “but I’ll wake her up!” and I had to ask him if he’d ever heard of a cat who had trouble sleeping.
January 25th, 2007 at 10:37 am
“You don’t always have to be right. Or get to be.
Going to bed angry is not the end of the world.
Accepting anger as a way of life might be, though.
Sometimes, you’re actually the jackass.”
Thanks for that — sometimes I forget the first and last so much that I end up stuck on the middle two. ;-)
January 25th, 2007 at 10:50 am
Forewarning you of the sheer, scary, and impressive quantity of cold medication coursing through my bloodstream is only fair. You’ve been warned.
“A lid for your pot” vs “Deciding to make it work”
I think it’s both. Because I think there are a small number of people who really are perfect for you, they really are the lid to your pot. But as with all lids, it takes some care and attention not to mess up when putting the lid on the pot. The lid can be upside down, as indeed can the pot. We all, as pots, need lids that fit really, really well. And they’re insanely and incredibly rare and when you find one, hang on to it. But you must still work at it, and it must still be a conscious choice every day.
I won’t over-stretch the metaphor, but do you get my point?
In either-or questions my answer is usually BOTH. I don’t know if that’s easier or harder.
January 25th, 2007 at 11:52 am
I’ve stopped telling people about my relationship. It’s no one’s business but mine and my husband’s. People judge and I’ve found that if I go to others for advice (friends, for example), they tend to file things away in their minds and then claim to know what my marriage is about when in actuality, they haven’t the faintest idea. Isolated incidents are just that…isolated.
It’s hurt me more than once and hurt a friendship. What happens in my house and between me and my husband stays between us.
Love is grand. It feels good but you are right…it also takes work. And compromise.
Also? It’s snowing here. Jealous? You can have it! I’ll take 75 degrees and sunny. Deal?
January 25th, 2007 at 1:13 pm
I love your list :)
All good things take some degree of work, not always hard work, but work none the less.
And look what you get at the end of the day - some one to love and that loves you right back!
January 25th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
As a thirty-two year veteran of marriage, I can say that you have a pretty good handle on what makes relationships.
P.S. HIMSELF did go the doctors for the snoring problem several years ago. Turned out to be severe sleep apnea. It kept me out of the marital bed for years - just to get a decent night’s sleep. One surgery and a CPAP breathing machine later, we can snuggle and fall-off to neverland in the same bed, unless I am having trouble falling off because of my own mid-life issues. Ugh. Life goes on….ob la dee!
January 25th, 2007 at 6:51 pm
Isn’t that bizarre how all of the coupled- (or used-to-be-coupled) people tend to ask the famously/eternally SINGLE people for advice?
I’ve never been able to understand it…
January 25th, 2007 at 11:24 pm
man.. i always love coming to this place and reading your posts. Its so refreshing and nicely worded that it makes me sometimes feel quite jealous.
Also, i would have to say that I HATE going to bed angry, it just doesnt help my sleep, i usually wake up feeling worst.
But that list, hit just about everything.
I will be sure to talk about it in mine tomorrow.
January 26th, 2007 at 7:04 am
Amen. You hit the nail on the head with this post.
January 26th, 2007 at 1:23 pm
I hate that the generic advice that goes around at every bridal shower I’ve ever been to is “Never go to bed angry.” There are so many worse things to worry about, and sometimes it takes some down time (or unconscious time) to work out a tough issue.
January 28th, 2007 at 9:41 pm
Totally good advice, all the way through, Ms. Meg!
The cat one is hilarious, by the way, as is the comment from Gillian about cats with insomnia.