60 thoughts on “how not to be an asshole or encourage assholism on the internet: a handy guide.”

  2. You are consistently my internet hero Meg! Very well said.

    I too am sad about the recent attacks. One of my saving graces from the hectic house I run are the blogs I visit daily. The fact that I have access to excellent new writing daily is a blessing. I hate that one or two trolls can take that away from me. It makes me want to throw rocks.

  7. You’re right, you’re right, you’re right.

    I have learned to button it when it comes to trolls. They are idjits and usually write like idjits and are not worth engaging.

    I just throw up my hands every time someone writes a post complaining about these troll sites and PROVIDES A LINK TO THEM. Wrong move. Trolls thrive on attention and die without it.

    And then there are people who aren’t as bad as trolls, but who still annoy me when they proudly point out how they used to read someone’s blog but don’t anymore because “they have sold out,” or “they aren’t as good as they used to be.” I hear this about Dooce all the time. It is almost always based on jealousy.

  8. Meg, it’s impossible to disagree with you, because you are totally right. Also, I’m not clued in to the actual events that inspired this entry. Maybe more information would be helpful to me, but I understand if you feel like holding back.

    When I first started blogging three years ago, I was crushed by the cruelty that I encountered on the Internet. If you look at my current blog, it looks as if I’ve only been blogging for about eight months. That’s because my blog has been through about twenty iterations.

    I’ve been in blog wars. I’ve had trolls. I’ve been a troll.

    It’s all pretty ugly.

    I think you’re right to keep your chin up and try to do the right thing, rather than give in to instinct.

  9. Hi Paula!

    My blog has been pretty much troll-free — like I said, there’s not much to troll here, unless they wanted to mock me for being clumsy or boring or yammery… but I beat them to it every damn time.

    No, the meanness is going down at other blogs — blogs authored by people I respect tremendously. This entry was in support of them, really.

    My difficult people email me directly, and I mostly ignore them:). So it’s all good. I’ve never been in a blog war.

  10. I agree with almost everything you say, with one comment. You say “the existence of content you disagree with on the web is not an invitation to attack”.

    This has been my experience on more than one occasion:

    Somebody expresses an opinion on a weblog with comments enabled. I express my disagreement with that opinion, in insult-free, dispassionate prose in the comments. They get upset.

    When this sort of thing occurs, I generally stop reading their blog. One of the main reasons I read blogs is to engage in debate. If I’m not welcome to do that, I’ll go elsewhere.

    Here’s the difficulty, as far as I can figure: bloggers expect different things from their comment boxes. Some only want positive affirmation, others want to encourage discussion, others want debate, and so forth. Unfortunately, the comment box looks the same on everybody’s blog, regardless of the kind of comments they want.

    To return to your quote, I wish the following were true:

    “The existence of content you disagree with on the web and a comments form is an invitation to express that disagreement.”

    Unfortunately, it’s only sometimes true, and it’s still pretty tricky to figure out when I’m invited to disagree, and when I’m not.

  11. I totally agree with you, and that’s why “attack” was the key word there — I think you can invite disagreement and debate without encouraging abuse and destructiveness. And I think people SHOULD be open to debate and disagreement.

    But I think there is an entire world between that kind of exchange of ideas — even negative ones — and the hateful crap that erupts nearly instantaneously in some blogging environments.

    I do think trolls can be blog hosts as easily as blog visitors. When someone goes bananas after a respectful comment, that’s just as much trolling to me as anything else. There’s no need to attack someone who hasn’t attacked you, whether you’re on your turf or not.

    If you don’t want feedback and you only want affirmations, make that clear, or don’t go insane if you don’t get what you want.

  13. “Unless they mention you, they are NOT SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO YOU…”

    Ah, yes. But unfortunately many of us suffer from blog-paranoia, or bloganoia–myself included (at the tippity-top of the list). ;)

    Why am I always the dissenting voice? hehe
    I think you did a most excellent job, perfectly put…except that when I am inflamed about something someone has written, I do tend to write about it on my own, if only to vent my spleen. Typically, I do it without pointing a specific finger, but still.

    I’ll agree with you on the rest of it, though. :D

  14. You’re not the dissenting voice. And you know you’ve written things to vent your spleen, and I was like IS THAT ABOUT ME? And that always leads to funny emails. And more paranoia.

    You’re all good, honey. Thanks for the affirmation;).

  15. In light of Meg’s last comment and the subject matter of this post, I wish to apologize for my email to you a couple of days ago. I did not mean to intrude on your personal space or life, I thought I was just making a funny comment about seeing someone who looked like you.

    Rest assured I have no interest in stalking you or bothering you or intruding on your personal space or life. That was never my intention.

    I would never wish to cause anyone discomfort, so again, I apologize. Your personal security is much more important than my idle surfing habits.

  18. This was excellent.
    While I know you were talking about the more vicious personal attacks that happen it also does apply even to simple non troll commenting at times.
    We write something and receive a comment. The comment may be made in jest but since we don’t know or can’t see the commenter we never really know their intentions.
    So, for example, if something you said made me laugh and I commented “LOL, great post.”, you may see it as a mean comment on your serious post even though it was not intended that way..
    Anyways, I really did like your post. Thanks for writing it..

  19. Although this is a superbly well-written post, when I read posts about this subject, I always feel like my little slice of the blogosphere must be like Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood in comparison… because on the sites I visit, I rarely read anything harmful or negative.

  21. Marilyn, it doesn’t really happen here, but many of my blogging friends have had horrible trolls. I don’t get why the jerks become so obsessed with these people, but it can really take the joy out of the experience for them.

  22. “DO NOT WRITE AN ENTRY ABOUT THE TROLL OR THEIR WEB SITE ON YOUR BLOG. You’ve given the troll their DREAM post at that point, AND you’re pouring gasoline on the fire. Or on the troll. Wait, that might be fun.”

    Well, I did do almost that very thing, but only because the owner of the site where I was “attacked” by someone who stole my identity would/did not answer my email reqesting that something be done about it. I only wanted the forged commented deleted, because frankly, I was really embarrassed by what he wrote. At first, I just hid my blogger profile, but that seemed wrong, since anywhere else I want that info to be available… so– I unhid it, and then I posted a very sarcastic response. But no links to trolls, only one to the site where it happened. They probably haven’t even noticed.

    And, to be honest, writing that thing really was fun.

  24. I know lots of people go on and do that anyway. I’ve just seen it backfire miserably in the corner of the blogosphere where I run about. I think the political blogging world plays it a bit harder, and takes it a little less personally.

  25. I get so little traffic, that I’m not really worried about it backfiring, and if I did get a troll as a result (unlikely), I would just delete the comment.

    But, I wanted there to be something on the record… saying that I am NOT who was represented in that forged comment, since I couldn’t seem to get it taken down.

    Anyway, this was a great post, Meg, and ultimately linkable… by those who care enough to write about these things.

    Some of the political blogs ARE worse than others. From my perspective, usually the large ones with lots of traffic and commenters and contributors, that have a bit of a cult-like atmosphere. There are others, though, that feature good writing and reasoning, and make it worth the time to read them.

  27. Amen to this post, Meg. I think it should nbe posted on every blog and message board across cyber-world.

  28. My first time here, and I have to say a big AMEN! I haven’t had trolls, but friends of mine have. And favourite blogs of mine are being shut down because of them. Sigh.

  29. Love it! Very cleverly written with just enough sass to maintain my attention. Your advice is well thought out and much appreciated.

  33. boy do i know someone who needs to read this. last year i was slandered online to the point where i still have to watch what i say, to the point i discussed getting a writ against them, they not only used both my husbands and my names but linked back to other BEYOND attacking posts. this person STILL has idiots stalk my blog. some people NEVER learn.
    i also blocked the IP address of one dude who was calling me all sorts of names for having some wrong info on a post.. i corrected it i admitted i was wrong and he was STILL attacking me.
    DUGG!

  36. It makes me wonder sometimes, do trolls even know they’re trolls or are many of them just lacking in judgment, social skills or maybe sanity?

    There’s probably no way we’ll ever know the answer to that question. But we do know you’re a gem, Meg. And a gem who gives good eyeliner advice to boot.

  39. A nice set of guidelines, for sure, but what now?

    The issue is not people who might read your guidelines and decide to abide by them, because most people already do.

    Alas, not all. Their behaviour is both summarized and sometimes explained by John Gabriel’s famous theory (caution, salty language) about anonymity on the Internet.

    More pointedly, whaddyagonnadoaboutit? The problem isn’t that the assholians of the web are in need of re-education: almost all of them are either fully aware of their problem (“I like my disease”) or in complete denial. In either case, few are amenable to change, at least by any legal means I can conceive of.

    I would say simply this: you cannot write stuff in public without the possibility of a response. That ain’t new. If you attach your name to it, you may well attract responses. If you have an open comment form, you’re open to random vitriol.

    Bemoaning this seems to be like cursing gravity: it’s not negotiable. It’s not even open to legislation, much.

    For those who find this unacceptable, all I can say is: don’t blog. Blog anonymously. Don’t put your email address online. Moderate your comments. Don’t have comments. Only post on Facebook, where you can control who your friends and readers are. Don’t assume the world can work the way you want it to: that’s for the afterlife, and only if you’re good.

    In essence, you can get offensive comments anywhere you get spam. If that’s going to be a problem, you’ll need to take countermeasures.

    I know of what I speak: I would like all electronic communications to be based on mutual respect and the assumption that the sender and receiver will work in good faith for a high signal, low noise ratio. And yet 90+% of the email delivery attempts that arrive at my employer’s outer-edge servers are spam.

    Ryan Cousineau, blogging regularly at wiredcola.com. Contact information available on request.

  40. Meg – this post just absolutely rocks! I’ve never seen a post written about this kind of stuff in such a manner as you did. Your ‘lessons’ should be a must-read for everyone.

    I’ve seen some rather nasty things lately on a variety of posts, attacks, flames, blog wars – and they’re not fun at all. Sickening is more like it.

  42. Just a note — comments without actual email addresses don’t get posted. Stand behind what you say.:)

    And for the record — the whole point of this is for people to keep going and move on past the idiots, not to cry and shut everything down. That’s what I was tired of seeing.

    The internet will be what the internet will be. You can only choose your own reaction. But I’m happy to encourage people to shake off the losers and keep being themselves.

  44. No offense Meg, but this is the most pompous thing I’ve read on the internet. Ever.

    To assume that people care enough about your thoughts that you write on a blog, to stalk or hurt you? Are you that full of yourself?

    This is the internet, no one cares, and if they do, it’s because they agree with you.

    Get over yourself.

    As long as there is anonymity on the internet, there will be people to capitalize on it to better their own egos. Don’t think you or anyone else is special because you’re at the brunt of it.

  46. i post blogs that speak the truth, but tap extremely emotional topics, i get a lot of crazies, with nasty comments, your troll post was humorous and scary, for it pegs trolls to the needle.

  47. Meg,

    It works both ways. Even the ones with blogs/websites are culprits sometimes.

    Try this: http://www.whenwillamywinehousedie.com/

    Meg, what do you say about sites like the above?

    Even well-known bloggers just go out and post videos about some kid making a fool of himself and don’t even stop to think about how badly they could hurt these people.

    It’s good you’ve brought this up. Thanks.

  48. I would like to apologize for my comments on the web. I’m sorry. Sincerely.

    I was an asshole. And I still am. But I will try to pay attention and improve my discourse from now on.

    Thank you,
    Best Regards

  49. Yep! And FWIW in my many forums (fora?) I’ve seen a few “trolls”. I’ve reacted as an asshole a few times:

    I have fat fingers, and can feel my eyeballs bulging and my mind screaming NO!!! for an eternal millisecond as the forefinger flies irrevocably toward the enter key.

    But, I’m slowly learning patience. Thanks for the reminder.

  50. I totally appreciate all the thoughts here. I will say this post was written in response to things going on in OTHER peoples’ lives, in support of them. Crazy shit happens on the internets, true story.

    Also — this was more than a year ago. I think this whole thing would sound a little different if I wrote it now. Or a lot.