don’t you wish your girlfriend was emotionally distant like me?
Hey.
Good morning.
It’s actually sunnyish in Vancouver today, though that’s supposed to change this afternoon.
For what it’s worth, I ADORED arriving at work without wet pants for once.
I’m definitely a sunbaby. I love the cold, but I like it clear, too! Woo, clear!
Bring on the Aspen-esque weather, really.
I’d be delirious.
I’m feeling a bit under the weather this morning — migraine, etc. — so I’m probably not appreciating the brief blip of dry weather as much as I should. I don’t think I slept much this weekend, and I’m left with an odd cotton-headed feeling that’s nearly impossible to shake. And a squidgy face. And coffee made from the DEATH WATER. Meh.
All in all? Grouchpants.
So.
Here are some random questions for you, based on things I’m trying to figure out in my life. If you answer them, I will cheer up!
Emotional blackmail!
Yay!
No, no… I’m honestly curious to see what you think about all of this stuff, clever internets. So share your wisdom with Miss CloudBrain ™ and make the world a better place to live (in proximity to me.)
- If you’re in a good relationship now — or had a good one at some point that ended for an obscure reason unrelated to your happiness (I wouldn’t even know how that would work, but people seem to do it all the time) — how did you get to the point of trusting the person you’re with? How did you stop comparing them to everything else that came before in your life?
- Do you think there is a recipe for romantic happiness? Do you think you can line people up according to like qualities, and connection will ensue?
- How important are looks in romantic chemistry?
- If you know you need to change something about your life, do you start slowly, or make a big production of the changes in order to spur yourself onward?
- Do you have a cure for insomnia that isn’t melatonin or calms forte or valerian root or warm milk? And I really don’t want to take sleeping pills. Really, really not.
There. That’s it. Show me the love?
Pleeeeease?
November 20th, 2006 at 11:04 am
I am game to answer your questions but you’ll have to suffer the blather. I take no responsibility for the effectiveness of any response given here.
- I don’t know how helpful this will be, because when I met my husband I’d had other relationships that were all crap. Consequently, it was in his favour if I compared him to previous ones because he always came up looking golden. I mean, maybe not in every respect. I tease him about his taste in music but that stuff is fairly inconsequential when it comes to the greater relationship. What actually clinched it for me was when I thought, “What could any other man have to offer me that this one doesn’t?” That sounds cold and calculating but it wasn’t. It was just a realization that the greater good was so better than some of the smaller details. We were friends before we dated and best friends before we knew it was “the real deal,” whatever that is.
- I think that sometimes what you THINK you want in a person can often turn out to be not what is best for you at all. One of my best friends met a guy who liked all the music she did, enjoyed the same movies, had a “good sense of humour,” or whatever, and he drove her crazy. She thought they would get along so well, but they just didn’t. I think sometimes the best match is a surprise.
- Depends on the person. I think that anybody who says they don’t matter at all is either lying to the world at large, or lying to themselves. However. If somebody isn’t the greatest-looking but they have a good personality, personally I think they can become more attractive because of that.
- I’m all about the dramatic changes, but they’re fairly internal. I don’t tell the world at large, “I’m doing this thing!” because then if I stop doing it, it’s embarrassing. I did write up a project plan for weight loss, though, in order to get the husband on board. It was kind of silly, but it’s totally working.
- I bought one of those decks of cards guaranteed to cure all ills, e.g. “The Deep Sleep” deck. Omitting any of the stuff you mentioned (although warm milk and honey is one in my bag of tricks…)
-a warm bath before bed (resist the temptation for hot!) particularly with the smell of lavender. Lavender essential oil is gentle enough that you can add it directly to the bath.
-before bed-time yoga (nothing too strenuous)
-I’ve had some meditation exercises and the like recommended, this rarely works for me because I find it hard to stop thinking but I can see how it might work. One of them was to imagine yourself in the most peaceful place, e.g. in the woods, beach, whatever works for you.
- Chamomile has some sedative properties, so a chamomile tea can sometimes work. I’m not big on the taste myself, though. Then I end up adding so much honey that it has the opposite desired effect.
love from the internets. But not clever.
November 20th, 2006 at 11:11 am
On Trust: It’s so hard to explain, but it’s mostly a “gut” thing. I’ve never had a reason to not trust him, or he me, so it’s never been an issue. Eventually you just meet someone and effortlessly hand your heart over. It’s very strange, but very, very good.
On Romantic Happiness: Make a list and stick to your guns. My boyfriend and I had each gone as far as to write down the things we desire in a partner. Not just blue eyes and blonde hair (or whatever), but our deepest desires and dealbreakers. Ambition, energy, hobbies, sexual compatability. All in more specific terms of course, but you need to write your own. Knowing concretely what we wanted made it very easy to see that even beyond the initial connection we are oh so good for eachother. (And in my case, made it easy to not waste time on “what if’s” and “maybe’s” in the dating world.)
On Looks: Very important. Anyone who denies this is lying. What doesn’t matter is what anyone ELSE thinks of the appearance of the person you find attractive. But you DEFINITELY need to think they’re a certified hottie.
On Change: I’m a goal-setter. I like big change, but I do reward myself for small milestones achieved along the way as well.
On Insomnia: Sleep Hygeine. I wish there were something easier, but so far I haven’t found it. The two keys are getting up at the same time (within 15 minutes) EVERY DAY, even weekends, and making your room very dark, including getting rid of the digital clock, or at least covering the lighted display. It sucks, but eventually it does work.
Happy Monday!
November 20th, 2006 at 11:32 am
HI Meg! New to your blog, HI!
On Trust… I had much the same problem and kept a mental inventory for way too long…but with my husband I guess I found that one day I simply stopped comparing…stopped waiting to see if it got better and it was at that point that things really DID get better and I began to build the relationship I’ve always wanted. I’m still a bit testy (and we’ve been together 8 years)…but really, the thing that happend is that earned my trust and my affection…one small gesture at a time.
On Romantic Happiness…it exists but not like in the movies and no, I don’t think it can be aligned or planned based on certain qualities. At least not in my case. I was one of those girls that had a set “guy” in mind before I met my husband. He’d be tall, dark, good with kids, funny and good with his hands. I married a shorter guy whose funny, terrified of kids and spends his time reading and drawing and could care LESS about being good with his hands….yet I love him. Strange. Sometimes I find myself in the 7-11 with my husband and I feel like I am in a movie…it seems that the stars have aligned just right, everything he says is endearing and I couldn’t be more in love with him… however on the flip side…I’ve also found myself walking alone the Seine with the same guy (then boyfriend now husband) and I was lonely, sad and kinda wanted to punch him…the setting and place couldn’t fix what was a bad point in the day/trip/relationship. For me romantic happiness is a state of mind that kinda comes together when all of the right ingredients are present…and it happens at the most unlikely of times.
On Looks: Important…but again, not like TV important. YOU have to be attracted and vice versa…that’s all that’s important. period.
On Change:I still have a hard time with this one. I’m far from being able to give advice. I’d like to think that I have to create a big picture first and then go with making the change happen in small steps but I have a hard time with incrementals. Change somehow makes me much more emotional than I’d like.
On Insomnia:I’ve suffered bouts of insomnia…usually reading helps…if all else fails…a great orgasm seems to often to the trick.
Glad to have found your blog!
Have a good day.
November 20th, 2006 at 11:41 am
1. honestly? i have no idea. i think somehow it just happens. that is, if you’re with the right person.
2. no. i think the connection will ensue if it’s the right person.
3. i don’t think looks are the be-all, end-all. however, i’ve never been with anyone unattractive. that said, i’m also now alone. so what the hell do i know.
4. make a promise to yourself and then get it done however you can. sometimes that means major overhaul.
5. transcendental meditation.
November 20th, 2006 at 11:52 am
–In order to make your new relationship work, you need to let the old one go and get rid of emotions linked to past relationships. When I met my husband I was coming out of a very long and serious relationship (like, I left my other boyfriend for the man who would end up becoming my husband–super complicated.) and I just had to let go everything about myself and my hangups because I wanted to start over, be new and fresh and I wanted this new relationship to be everything that the old one wasn’t–I needed to change all the things that had eventually led to its demise–some of which were my fault, some were his and some were just things that happened, like suspicions and loss of love. I trusted my husband from the beginning, from our very first date, because he was totally open and honest with me that night, and that has never changed.
(That was long…sorry!)
–No, I don’t think there’s a recipe. It just is what it is and it happens when you don’t even realize.
–I can’t say that looks are everything although, yeah, I think they do count. Have you ever met someone who you didn’t think was that great looking, but as you get to know them, they start to look really, really hot to you? Because their personality is so wonderful and they are nice and funny and make you laugh? That’s really good right there. You should hold onto that person, even if they are only a friend.
–I can’t really answer this because I currently stuck, where I need change but feel helpless and unable to make it happen. But in the past, I’ve usually just gone for the whole thing, one big sweeping change to start over everything that I think needs fixing (see breakup from above, followed by a cross-country move with new boyfriend of 4 months.)
–No cure for insomnia but let me ask you this–do you have any ideas for how to fall back to sleep in the middle of the night? I’ve been tossing and turning for weeks…
Also? Today I had a nonfat latte from Starbucks as opposed to my usual soy latte and it was so blah and bland. I really don’t like real milk at all anymore and I was left feeling totally unsatisfied when my beverage was finished. It was such a shame!
Feel better!
November 20th, 2006 at 12:21 pm
Insomnia: I’m NO expert, but they say it’s very important to dim the lights for an hour or more before bedtime. I think that includes not staring at a computer screen.
Looks and chemistry: I’ve been thinking about this one recently. (Ahem.) And I think looks are important, but not everything. There’s something more to it than looks, some kind of quality or chemical reaction or something. I tell you, there are guys that are physically gorgeous but do nothing for me. I saw this amazingly handsome guy in Safeway the other night, but the vibe I got from him was SNOB, and I was more turned off than anything. Of course, that’s just me, and men are far more looks-oriented than women are.
November 20th, 2006 at 12:24 pm
* First one’s easy. There have been several guys whom I was wrong to trust as they eventually crushed my heart with their assholeness. I knew my husband well before we got involved so I’d observed from the platonic angle that he was a trustworthy one even in some tough situations. So there you go. I scooped him up when I had the chance. He’d say the same about me.
* Yes and yes. I know this will sound unromantic but I truly believe so much of a happy marriage comes from being logically matched as well as romantically matched. Background, morals, hobbies, habits. They’re all just as important as that “connection”.
* Important. Not the end all be all but you have to be able to look at your man and think “Damn, I’m gonna get me some of that”.
* When I’m effective I dive in head first. The little changes get squashed by habit and then nothing changes. Not easy though.
* No. Wine doesn’t work. Baths don’t work. Let me know when you figure this one out
Sending love to you for having a kicks-ass-website.
November 20th, 2006 at 12:30 pm
You guys are AWESOME. And Hello to wn and Irish! And Stacey, who’s commented before, but did I ever say hi?
And I love that the boys are terrified of this question:).
November 20th, 2006 at 12:30 pm
1. If you’re in a good relationship now — or had a good one at some point that ended for an obscure reason unrelated to your happiness (I wouldn’t even know how that would work, but people seem to do it all the time) — how did you get to the point of trusting the person you’re with?
- They are a “fresh” person and derve fresh starts so I try to forget the bad behaviors of lovers past and start new with each guy.
2.How did you stop comparing them to everything else that came before in your life? - You don’t and can’t really, but need to give the new person a chance.
3. Do you think there is a recipe for romantic happiness?
-Yes-it’s called “unexpected surprises”
4. Do you think you can line people up according to like qualities, and connection will ensue?
-Hmmm, I would hope so…
5. How important are looks in romantic chemistry?
-This definatley depends on the people. I go for smart guys so looks don’t mean much to me….Some people go for humor or talent and some for looks too.
6. If you know you need to change something about your life, do you start slowly, or make a big production of the changes in order to spur yourself onward?
- I’m a Pisces, so I tend to be a wee bit dramatic and I hate change-so I do make a “production” out of it.
7.Do you have a cure for insomnia that isn’t melatonin or calms forte or valerian root or warm milk?
- I go running in the middle of the night if I can’t sleep. In well lit residential neighborhoods of course.
November 20th, 2006 at 3:11 pm
I have no experience with the first four questions. As for Q5: Tryptophan with a football chaser.
November 20th, 2006 at 3:35 pm
The first one… Trust happened fairly early on, as I revealed all of my darkest secrets. Sort of a test. But still I vacillated… for quite some time… perhaps because we cohabit instead of being married. However, some time ago, there was a study about how most men don’t really care for a sense of humor in a woman– and partly because it is a sign of intelligence!– and that did it for me. I can be very funny, and it is one of the things that P appreciates most– my ability to make him laugh. He doesn’t even mind that I am more likely to be right in some areas (except he refused to play scrabble with me). So, when he is right about something that is in one of my areas, he really savors it. And, frankly, he is really good in areas where I am not, like fixing things, and stuff like that. But, the clincher was the humor/intelligence thing. When I thought about it, I realized that I should be more appreciative of what I’ve got now.
There are probably lots of recipes for romantic happiness, but since I’m not that wedded to using recipes even when I cook, I can’t really recommend one now, either. Chemistry is such an individual thing, both for each of the people in a pair, and for the pair, as a whole. (I will say, look for someone who will appreciate your superior intelligence and wit… because that is worth something.)
Looks are important for as long as you think they are. (It’s biological, we can’t help it.) Still, although I’ve never been attracted to pretty boys, both of my husbands were of the tall, broad-shouldered type. P is shorter and more compact, barely taller than I am, but has his own kind of charm, and is actually more photogenic than I am. [sigh] Perhaps because he actually smiles at the camera.
Changes? Golly! I’ve done them all kinds of ways, from testing the water with both feet, to resisting with heels dug in. Perhaps you should listen to your inner voice on this one. That’s the method that has served me best… whenever I’ve bothered to listen.
For insomnia: it’s better if I brush my teeth earlier in the evening, since toothpaste really wakes me up. Also, a really, really hot shower (i.e., enervating), with something aromatic, like lavender, is helpful, as are getting the bedroom warm before I get into bed, wearing socks until my feet warm up, and listening to the soothing sounds of the BBC while I fall asleep. Music does not work for me. Neither does artificial white noise, as they do not keep my mind distracted long enough to fall asleep. Also, I like to be warm– can’t fall sleep if I’m cold– but can’t stand heavy covers anymore, so I layer a few lightweight covers (fleece, chenille, etc.) between two top sheets, like an unsewn duvet, and then my feet don’t feel trapped at the bottom of the bed, because they can move around. And I can relax by sinking into the bed, instead of feeling like I’m being pressed into it by heavy covers. [Now I think I’m going to take a nap when I get home from work tonight.]
November 20th, 2006 at 3:50 pm
Thank heavens you ladies make sense. I think men just turn me into an idiot — it will take a pretty good one to see past my loonytunes-ness to the chill girl that lies within:).
November 20th, 2006 at 5:31 pm
1-It was a slow process. I find I never trust anyone fully from the start. You slowly start to reveal things and you keep going based on their reaction. On the other side of things, I find Itrust people more when they make everything about their life plain. If they act like they have things to hide early on, I’m hesitant about trusting them.
Everyone deserves a clean slate. You wouldn’t like to be compared to an ex would you (unless you are obviously was cooler and hotter I suppose…)I guess I don’t really do that so I don’t know how someone who does that would stop. I guess if you compare new relationships to past ones, you are setting yourself up for failure since obviously the past relationships failed. Just don’t worry about it and take it as it comes.
2-I think romantic hapiness come from 100% honesty that goes both ways. So if both people are committed to honesty, well, it has ahell of a lot better chance of working than if one orboth are not into the honesty thing. Other than that…I know great couples that are opposites and great couples that are quite similar. It just depends what you need as an individual, someone to mirror or someone to compliment you.
3-Looks are generally important, but I don’t think they are the be-all and end-all. I mean, I would never date a guy I initially found repulsive and who had open oozy sores! But I don’t require a certain standard of male beauty either…Maybe I’m being too vague…
4-I definitely put it ‘out there’ so that I feel like I have to stick to it or else explain myself endlessly. So if I want to quit on something, I have to be sure that I can back it up, tomyself, and to others.
5-Physical Activity and B-12 in the mornings.
November 20th, 2006 at 6:14 pm
Meg,
When I saw that this post had 12 comments before mine, I thought surely I wouldn’t be the first man to put up a serious answer. Given your (thus far untaken advantage of) offer to make me laugh via e-mail in the wake of the demise of my most recent relationship, I feel compelled to write you an honest and thoughtful answer to your questions.
1. Trust always seems to require a leap, and it’s one you just have to decide to do. One of the things I used to say about Sihaya was that she was fearless…that turned out to be less true than I’d have wished, and in spite of all the fears I brought to the table of our relationship, it turned out that I was the one who was fearless. I think it comes from the recognition that commitment doesn’t have to come in one huge pile — like the old saying about the best way to eat an elephant, if you simply recognize that commitment is just a choice you make over and over again, every day, it’s not such a big scary thing, and suddenly, when you’re not looking at something that’s terrifying, it’s easier to trust. It’s easier to balance while walking heel-toe on a curb than it is when you’re on a 40th-storey ledge.
You never stop comparing the person you’re with to everyone else that came before. The trick is to compare them FAVORABLY with everyone else before. And there will always be something you wish was different. The challenge is to see past that.
2. I don’t think there’s a recipe for romantic happiness, but I do think that when you’re happy with yourself, romance seems to find you even when you’re not looking.
The nature of connection between two people is absolutely inexplicable. Artists can teach the techniques they use, but they can’t teach how to be an artist. Writers can explain the use of language until the cows come home, but great writing comes from someplace that cannot be explained. When it happens, just grab on and picture yourself balancing on a curb.
3. Looks are very important in romantic chemistry, but you can never know in advance what anyone will see as beautiful. It’s just impossible to quantify beauty. I can answer for myself: every woman I’ve ever been attracted to got more beautiful the better I came to know her.
4. There are some things in my life that I know I need to change and no amount of ceremony has gotten me to change them. Some things you just have to buckle down and DO. (Grace Hopper used to tell people, “Dare and do!”)
5. A cure for insomnia…sometimes, I think I do, and sometimes, not so much. Generally, when I can’t sleep, it’s because I have things pressing into my consciousness, and that’s pretty normal. What I do to clear my head of those things is tell myself a story in which I am the hero. What that does is get my mind off the stuff that’s making me crazy, and onto something that makes me happy and safe and secure. (I’ve been doing this since I was 11 or 12, and it wasn’t until I was in my mid-twenties that I learned that the technique is called “Imagery”.) The story that’s been getting me to sleep lately is the one where I am a pilot for Angel Flight, taking a cancer patient from his or her small town to a big-city hospital an hour or two away. In the story, I have a girlfriend who goes along to help out, and the whole experience brings us closer together. The point is to cast yourself as someone you would love to be if you could do or be anything at all, and to create a situation that makes you feel smart and happy and safe and secure and loved. That’s the power of fiction…when you create that feeling for yourself, you’ll be amazed at how quickly you fall asleep.
~Kurt
November 20th, 2006 at 9:38 pm
I’m in no place to be giving anyone advice, but here are my answers anyway.
-It took a lot of time, patience, and determination that we were going to make this relationship work no matter what. Also a lot of frustration and misunderstanding, but I got over it and realized how lucky I really am.
-Not really. Everyone’s different. There was this guy who I thought was the love of my life. When had the same taste in almost everything, we had similar cars, similar family situatins, he was Jewish and Native American, I’m Czech and Native American. We were best friends and counterparts, but he just wasn’t the right guy for me. The guy that I am with is pretty much the total opposite, but it works. As much as he doesn’t understand some things, and never will, he’s still the one.
-Naturually, you have to be attracted to someone, but that involves more than just looks.
-It doesn’t really work for me to make a big production. I try to remind myself everyday of what I should do differently (not that I always remember or that it always works), and it just comes in its own time.
-No, but I could use one.
-
November 21st, 2006 at 12:50 pm
For me trust seems to come with falling in love. I can’t seem to trust without it in a relationship. I think when you find that certain person you just can’t get enough of, there is no comparing so it just doesn’t exist. In my relationship with my husband I have never compared him to anyone before him, he is just that good.
To some extent I believe you need to have certain qualities alike, but it isn’t a must. My husband and I are very different, we share some qualities. He has some I would like to have and I have some he wishes he had, so we learn from each other in this regard. I think that is why relationships where the people are too much alike rarely work, they don’t have enough to learn from each other.
Looks? well somewhat important, we are visual people. But someone can be unattractive at first and you get to know them and then they take on a different look entirely that may work for you.
I think this depends on what it is. If it is something like not cursing in front of the kids, that I can change almost instantly. If it is emotional scarring from my past, that takes years o hard work.
I don’t know about this one, I think it’s different for each individual. I have to read to fall asleep, even a sentence can put me out if I am really tired. Usually I read a couple chapters though.