sometimes.
It sneaks up on you, the heartbreak.
And it doesn’t matter how well you’re handling it. It doesn’t matter how you’ve made it okay in your head. It doesn’t matter what people have said to you.
The only thing that matters is how it hurts.
All it takes is a stupid episode of ER that you’re watching in your pajamas, fireplace on, laptop open, not really paying attention.
And then one character asks another, “Is one baby going to be enough?”
Then all at once you think, “One baby? You get a whole baby of your own?”
You cry and you cry even though the news is five months old.
You make a joke about your ridiculous barren body.
You wonder if you’ll get to love someone else’s baby one day.
You wonder if you’ll remember to love yourself again one day.
This ache is a hollow one. I’m still broken.
I will be okay.
But it sneaks up on you, the heartbreak.
At that point, all you can do is be enough for yourself.
October 27th, 2006 at 2:18 am
Oh, I just started reading you a while back, but I thought I would say - you are okay.
October 27th, 2006 at 8:23 am
Sorry sweets, must be an awful feeling, esp. for someone who wants it so much. :o(
October 27th, 2006 at 9:43 am
don’t know what to say except my heart breaks for you. i care and just wanted to let you know that.
October 27th, 2006 at 10:12 am
Aw, HUGS, Meg. Just…HUGS.
October 27th, 2006 at 11:14 am
and it will continue to hurt, and it will continue to be okay to express that hurt. even if it’s been five months or five years, there will still be part that hurts. there will be parts that love too. and parts that feel joy. as long as you are feeling something, anything, you are doing okay even though it sucks.
October 27th, 2006 at 1:33 pm
Meg, you ARE okay.
You are.
Just in case it’s worth anything, you make me smile every time I make the trip to your blog, and every time I see your name above a comment on mine. I get those little blogspot e-mails that say “Meg” and I rush to open them first, because I don’t want to wait another second to read what you have to say…your thoughts, every wry-self-deprecating-heartbroken-funny-silly-curious-observatory one of them, make every second of your life rich and meaningful.
~Kurt
October 28th, 2006 at 1:49 am
Oh my dearest. I am sorry. hugs from here too.
October 30th, 2006 at 3:30 pm
I hate that feeling when all of sudden you remember “Oh yeah, I’m upset.” It would be nice to stave thoughts about such things indefinitely.