sleep well, post, I’ll most likely delete you in ten minutes.
I used to be different. It’s true. I don’t quite remember myself and how I did it, but I was different.
I used to be one of those people who didn’t talk much about themselves on a personal level, who never really complained, who relied on a big laugh and a positive attitude and a stable of one-liners and a kooky personality to engage the people around her.
Okay, I complained some. But usually only in joke form. Unless I was talking to my mom, of course.
I subscribed to the notion that the less people knew about anything negative in your life, the more inclined they’d be to stick around. And I have to admit, I made a lot of friends this way. By being a better listener than a talker, by making people feel like life was a constant party, and by always being “fine.” No matter what.
This made me really good at working with kids, because I was stable and steady and entertaining and solid.
This made me really good at customer service, because I was stable and steady and entertaining and solid.
This made me really good at managing people, because I was stable and steady and entertaining and solid.
Catching the theme here?
Basically, this made me really good at dealing with unstable, unsteady, unentertaining, and unsolid people, because, well…. yeah.
At this point in my life, there were three things people told me I should be:
- A kindergarten teacher
- An actress
- A human resources director
Erm.
So… someone fiercely cheerful, someone who pretended to be other people, or someone who made sure that everyone was doing fine all the damn time?
Yeah.
Sounds about right.
Then my family went through some horrible things, and they weren’t fine anymore.
Then I got my heart seriously and solidly broken by someone who I’d invested every positive thing I had in.
Then I lost some friendships because I stopped being willing to take certain things from certain people.
Then I had to give up a 70 hour a week job (almost 18 hours a day in the summers) that had essentially defined me for almost a decade because it had eaten up every aspect of my life and was leaving me chronically worried and exhausted.
Then I was broke and hit my financial bottom.
Then I was a really crappy freelancer.
Then I got sick. Or finally admitted I was sick, and went to the doctor and found out how bad it really was.
Then I started questioning the things I believed and who I was and everything that I’d held as a priority before.
It’s been a hell of a few years.
It’s taken a toll on many of my relationships, on my involvement in my faith, on my body, on my mind, and on my spirit.
In there, lots of good things happened, too. Blessings. Huge ones. And I am more than aware of how lucky I am.
But somewhere in the midst of that run, I lost the ability to edit like I’d edited before. To hide what I struggled with. To shove things aside and crack a joke instead.
And that felt really good for a while, actually.
Just to be. And not make excuses.
Now I’m just wondering if I can ever get the Girl of Mystery ™ back again. The girl who sparkled more than she dribbled.
The girl who was fun.
The girl who knew when to shut up.
The girl who always seemed fine.
The girl who didn’t use the word “real” so damn often.
Because she was so much easier to deal with. With that girl, I didn’t have to lie in bed at night and wonder if I was testing the boundaries of unconditionality with the people I love. With that girl, I didn’t regret things I said. With that girl, I made people want to be around me. With that girl, I didn’t compare myself to the fun people in my life. I WAS the fun people in my life. With that girl, I didn’t have to go, “I’m fine, I promise! I really am! I will be!” because no one knew I was anything else.
It sounds like I’m idealizing, but I know how much effort I put into it. I worked hard at it. That’s the only reason it worked.
But I can’t do it anymore, not 100%.
And I wonder if this means that I’m going to end up doing it alone.
October 18th, 2006 at 12:03 pm
don’t delete…it’s wonderful. i admire your ability to bravely reveal your authentic (sorry for the Oprah word) self, and the struggle (which we all face, or more likely avoid) to be your authentic self. i wish i could do that instead of hiding behind the happy, “fine” girl that everyone is comfortable with.
October 18th, 2006 at 12:20 pm
It’s a balance. When I was younger I thought that it was neccessary to express every feeling I had, and divulge and ruminate over every problem. I knew nothing of suffering in silence or thinking, hey, feelings are transient, most likely this one will be moving on soon. (Sort of the opposite of you, eh?) But now I do. It’s a balance. And I promise no matter what balance you end up with, you won’t go it alone.
October 18th, 2006 at 12:29 pm
Meg,
You are awesome just the way are now. Quite frankly I find those people who are “happy” and “on” all the time extremely annoying because no one is really like that. We all get sad or lonely or scared sometimes. Someimes we feel the urge to smack a clown. And that’s what makes life so interesting…all of the different aspects to each of our personalities. Emotions make us human and we are all flawed in our own beautiful ways. Don’t worry about what you think you are supposed to be like and just be. Which is great and real and remember that the juicy/ugly bits that don’t get edited are actually more interesting. You have an inner sparkle even when you frown.
October 18th, 2006 at 12:45 pm
Great post.
October 18th, 2006 at 12:59 pm
P.S. I appreciate the Princess Bride reference.
October 18th, 2006 at 1:37 pm
Somewhere through all the sorrow and pain and disappointment…one discovers their real self. Congratulations.
October 18th, 2006 at 2:42 pm
“And I wonder if this means that I’m going to end up doing it alone.” nah, i think you’re pretty much stuck with a whole bunch of us riding the waves with you as long as you don’t disappear into thin air.
October 18th, 2006 at 3:47 pm
Meg,
You have and always will be authentic. It’s the raw Meg that I love most of all. The one who is brutally honest and shows just how strong she is by allowing herself to be honest. Just be. I love you.
October 18th, 2006 at 3:51 pm
What is making me all weepy is that you guys kind of cover the span of my life… Jen I went to high school with (and thus known for more than 20 years), Jaime I worked with at camp (and thus known for more than 14 years), and I just met Lindsie this year through a friend at work. Wow. Thanks, guys.
October 18th, 2006 at 4:53 pm
but we love the Meg you are…..
October 18th, 2006 at 6:20 pm
It’s easy to compare the new you and the old you. Trust me, I do it all the time.
But you can’t necessarily get the old you back. And even if you could, would you really want to? Perhaps, even though it may be hard to see right now, the new you is a much better version of youself. You may just need some time to get to know her and feel comfortable with who she is. I think that, in time, you will come to accept her.
Wonderful, wonderful post. You are amazing. I’m proud of you for being you and for being able to admit all of these things. It’s difficult to step back and take stock of ourselves. You are doing a great job. I’m honored to be here and be able to read.
October 18th, 2006 at 7:32 pm
Aaaaah Meg…Don’t we all wish we could go back in time?
Love, you wouldn’t be the person today if you didn’t grow, and change, and go through the things you have. Wether they were good, or bad dosen’t really matter anymore. They’ve made the Meg that I read a little about each day as she moves on with her life. The Meg that inspires me to move on with mine… The Meg We’ve all come to know a little of here on this blog. And, The Meg we al call friend…
You’ll never be alone love. We’re all here for you. And you’ll always have a shoulder, and ear, and a smile to greet you.
Hang in there. You’ll find rhe place that’s comfortable for you to be you again.. and, We’ll all be here to cheer you on!
October 18th, 2006 at 7:45 pm
You couldn’t go back if you chose to. This is called growing. It’s a pain in the butt. But you’ll be glad later. I think. Thanks for this.
October 18th, 2006 at 9:46 pm
Three things: first, being the real you is always best.
Second, I have been “A kindergarten teacher, An actress and A human resources director” - seriously!
Third - don’t delete the post.
October 18th, 2006 at 11:05 pm
Anyone who can write a post like this and throw in a princess bride reference in the title has got it all figured out…
October 19th, 2006 at 12:05 am
Go with the flow, Meg, you’re heading in the right direction, as far as I can tell. :) And hang in there!
October 19th, 2006 at 6:49 am
Meg -
Real is good. Don’t worry about losing the world; you’re gaining your soul. Okay, that’s a gross exaggeration. But it is not your job, or mine, to be a 24/7 people pleaser. I promise.
Yesterday I ended a 15 year friendship with my best friend. I am devastated. But I had to make a choice - to constantly spend time taking tender emotional care of an endlessly needy someone, or to take care of myself. Real friends would want you - or me, or anyone - to watch out for themselves first.
I am a recovering people pleaser myself. And I am still pleasant, and surrounded by good friends. It’s just that I take time to think about the following: What do I want? What do I need? What is the greatest good? Can these people work things out without my nice-girl smiling Ms. FixIt routine?
I really enjoy your blog - see, I have never met you but you have made me care enough to respond to this post. That’s good writing,Meg.
October 19th, 2006 at 2:09 pm
I just want to say that this post it wonderful, and please don’t delete. I can identify (on a much smaller scale of course), and it always helps to know that someone else is going through some of the same things that you are. I used to be the person that was always happy and smiling and cheering everyone up and never had a problem, but then I had a really rough year. Everything that had been my security and stability was taken aways, and I went through apathy and pain and depression. Now, I’m just struggling to find myself and that balance that someone was talking about earlier. Anyway, thank you for being honest and real. It’s not a bad thing.