When it’s rainy and painy, it’s just good to remember California.

I used to be different. It’s true. I don’t quite remember myself and how I did it, but I was different.

I used to be one of those people who didn’t talk much about themselves on a personal level, who never really complained, who relied on a big laugh and a positive attitude and a stable of one-liners and a kooky personality to engage the people around her.

Okay, I complained some. But usually only in joke form. Unless I was talking to my mom, of course.

I subscribed to the notion that the less people knew about anything negative in your life, the more inclined they’d be to stick around. And I have to admit, I made a lot of friends this way. By being a better listener than a talker, by making people feel like life was a constant party, and by always being “fine.” No matter what.

This made me really good at working with kids, because I was stable and steady and entertaining and solid.

This made me really good at customer service, because I was stable and steady and entertaining and solid.

This made me really good at managing people, because I was stable and steady and entertaining and solid.

Catching the theme here?

Basically, this made me really good at dealing with unstable, unsteady, unentertaining, and unsolid people, because, well…. yeah.

At this point in my life, there were three things people told me I should be:

• A kindergarten teacher
• An actress
• A human resources director

Erm.

So… someone fiercely cheerful, someone who pretended to be other people, or someone who made sure that everyone was doing fine all the damn time?

Yeah.

Sounds about right.

Then my family went through some horrible things, and they weren’t fine anymore.

Then I got my heart seriously and solidly broken by someone who I’d invested every positive thing I had in.

Then I lost some friendships because I stopped being willing to take certain things from certain people.

Then I had to give up a 70 hour a week job (almost 18 hours a day in the summers) that had essentially defined me for almost a decade because it had eaten up every aspect of my life and was leaving me chronically worried and exhausted.

Then I was broke and hit my financial bottom.

Then I was a really crappy freelancer.

Then I got sick. Or finally admitted I was sick, and went to the doctor and found out how bad it really was.

Then I started questioning the things I believed and who I was and everything that I’d held as a priority before.

It’s been a hell of a few years.

It’s taken a toll on many of my relationships, on my involvement in my faith, on my body, on my mind, and on my spirit.

In there, lots of good things happened, too. Blessings. Huge ones. And I am more than aware of how lucky I am.

But somewhere in the midst of that run, I lost the ability to edit like I’d edited before. To hide what I struggled with. To shove things aside and crack a joke instead.

And that felt really good for a while, actually.

Just to be. And not make excuses.

Now I’m just wondering if I can ever get the Girl of Mystery ™ back again. The girl who sparkled more than she dribbled.

The girl who was fun.

The girl who knew when to shut up.

The girl who always seemed fine.

The girl who didn’t use the word “real” so damn often.

Because she was so much easier to deal with. With that girl, I didn’t have to lie in bed at night and wonder if I was testing the boundaries of unconditionality with the people I love. With that girl, I didn’t regret things I said. With that girl, I made people want to be around me. With that girl, I didn’t compare myself to the fun people in my life. I WAS the fun people in my life. With that girl, I didn’t have to go, “I’m fine, I promise! I really am! I will be!” because no one knew I was anything else.

It sounds like I’m idealizing, but I know how much effort I put into it. I worked hard at it. That’s the only reason it worked.

But I can’t do it anymore, not 100%.

And I wonder if this means that I’m going to end up doing it alone.

I think we’ve overcome the crashy mccrashitude (note the hidden word!) of the last two days (at least for now), so posting shall resume in earnest in the morning.

Thanks for your patience, everyone. And if you like, just say hello.

I like hellos.

And stars, though they’re hiding for now. Still lots of sky, though.