On the bus today, as I hung from the overhead bar like one of those suction-cup Garfield dolls that everyone had on their car windows in the 8o’s, I noticed the girl next to me was… smelling me.

Flared nostrils. The whole bit. Eeeek.

Now, I showered today. As I do each day. Sometimes twice. All my clothes are clean. As they are each day. Sometimes twice. I wasn’t wearing any weird exotic perfumes (my friend Tara at work is allergic to all the perfumes I own.) I did have a cup of cheap gas-station coffee that was fragrancing the air around me, but it actually smelled a lot like Old Spice, which is pleasant in a quaintly Grandpa-esque sort of way (I NEEDED THE CAFFEINE, JUDGER.)
So I was a touch curious as to what she might be smelling. I finally gave her a rather pointed glance and she stopped flaring her nostrils.

Then she asked, “Do you use Tide detergent?”

Hmmm. “I think I actually washed this with Sunlight.”

“Like, you left it to dry outside?”

“No, Sunlight detergent.”

“Really?”

“As far as I recall.”

“Hmmm. Okay.” She wrinkled her nose and stared down at her feet, as though disappointed in me. I flailed.

“I do own Tide. It might have been Tide.”

She perked up.

I sighed in relief.

Then I went to sit down in a seat that was vacated by a tiny woman with a giant scrunchie in her hair, another woman shoved past me and plunked herself down. She looked up at me and smiled almost apologetically, then commented, “I’m having a rough morning.”

Oh.

So, while still clinging to the overhead strap with one hand, I reached into my bag to take out one of the biscuits Jennifer sent home with me last night (mmm! As delicious as her children! Not that I ate the kids. But you know what I’m saying.) It was SO GOOD. I’m eating one even as I write this. MMMM. Carby.

And the woman having a rough morning looked up and said, “Oooh, can I have one?”

?!?

So I said, “Oooh, I have to save them for my lunch.” Then she gave me a dirty look, so I took out the chocolate cookies that Catherine made last night and ate one of those, too. Slowly.

That’s right. I’M FULL OF SUGARS AND STARCHES AND YOU’RE NOT.

Then I felt guilty. And slightly dizzy. And I had the sniffles, though that seems unrelated.

But I didn’t give her anything.

I did share the cookies at work, though. First thing.

I was also late for work. By two minutes. Which never happens.

Wait, what the hell was this entry supposed to be about?