Oy, this has been a rough week on my old, wrinkly, coffee-stained soul.

And that? That was a rough sentence.

But now I am going to go get on a boat and forget about my health and grammar and pushing myself to do better and just laugh for a couple of hours. And when I get back, you guys better have cleaned this place up! And left presents!

Or, you know, not.

Today’s queries of random, pre-weekend self-analysis:

1. How would you describe your current mood?
2. What are you wearing?
3. What one thing do you NEED to get done today?
4. Do you do anything that consistently annoys the people around you?
5. What did you have for breakfast?
6. If someone told you that you could earn a million dollars this year as a spammer and NOT GET CAUGHT, would you do it?
7. Are you good at arguing?
8. Do you enjoy seafood?
9. Do you often say you “don’t like” certain foods, while really meaning that you’ve never tried them?
10. What is your relationship with your television like?
11. Do you eat enough fruit?
12. Did you know I was going on a work boat cruise tonight?
13. Do you believe the boat will sink?
14. Do you have any weird health fears? (Microwaving styrofoam gives you cancer, eating cherries and drinking water will make your stomach explode, etc.)

On the bus today, as I hung from the overhead bar like one of those suction-cup Garfield dolls that everyone had on their car windows in the 8o’s, I noticed the girl next to me was… smelling me.

Flared nostrils. The whole bit. Eeeek.

Now, I showered today. As I do each day. Sometimes twice. All my clothes are clean. As they are each day. Sometimes twice. I wasn’t wearing any weird exotic perfumes (my friend Tara at work is allergic to all the perfumes I own.) I did have a cup of cheap gas-station coffee that was fragrancing the air around me, but it actually smelled a lot like Old Spice, which is pleasant in a quaintly Grandpa-esque sort of way (I NEEDED THE CAFFEINE, JUDGER.)
So I was a touch curious as to what she might be smelling. I finally gave her a rather pointed glance and she stopped flaring her nostrils.

Then she asked, “Do you use Tide detergent?”

Hmmm. “I think I actually washed this with Sunlight.”

“Like, you left it to dry outside?”

“No, Sunlight detergent.”

“Really?”

“As far as I recall.”

“Hmmm. Okay.” She wrinkled her nose and stared down at her feet, as though disappointed in me. I flailed.

“I do own Tide. It might have been Tide.”

She perked up.

I sighed in relief.

Then I went to sit down in a seat that was vacated by a tiny woman with a giant scrunchie in her hair, another woman shoved past me and plunked herself down. She looked up at me and smiled almost apologetically, then commented, “I’m having a rough morning.”

Oh.

So, while still clinging to the overhead strap with one hand, I reached into my bag to take out one of the biscuits Jennifer sent home with me last night (mmm! As delicious as her children! Not that I ate the kids. But you know what I’m saying.) It was SO GOOD. I’m eating one even as I write this. MMMM. Carby.

And the woman having a rough morning looked up and said, “Oooh, can I have one?”

?!?

So I said, “Oooh, I have to save them for my lunch.” Then she gave me a dirty look, so I took out the chocolate cookies that Catherine made last night and ate one of those, too. Slowly.

That’s right. I’M FULL OF SUGARS AND STARCHES AND YOU’RE NOT.

Then I felt guilty. And slightly dizzy. And I had the sniffles, though that seems unrelated.

But I didn’t give her anything.

I did share the cookies at work, though. First thing.

I was also late for work. By two minutes. Which never happens.

Wait, what the hell was this entry supposed to be about?