there is no fight club.
I’m an arguer. I like to argue. Not because I’m a (complete) jerk, but because I’m passionate.
I know.
I laughed at me, too, right then.
And I realize that I just used passionate as a synonym for pain in the ass.
But that’s me. I’m a former debater. A trivia/fact/philosophy nerd. A girl with an elephant memory for conversations and statements. A girl unafraid of speaking her mind. And consequently, a single girl. You’d think there would be at least one man out there who can handle the verbal sparring, wouldn’t you? No?
Damn.
I mean, don’t get the wrong idea.
I don’t insult, I don’t belittle, I don’t nag. That would be lame. And mean. And I am neither lame nor mean. I’m not one for questioning the intelligence of my opponents or mocking their views or slamming their ethical viewpoints.
I just tend to be a little more animated — and more blunt — than is absolutely necessary. And incredulous.
For some reason, this hasn’t gone over beautifully with the kind of men I seem drawn to: easygoing, soft-spoken, fiercely anti-conflict, sunnily-optimistic types.
They like my “passion” as far as expressing my ideas and my loves and my joie de vivre goes… as long as we’re in agreement. In fact, it’s one of the things that men often appreciate most about me, along with my love of televised sports and Dave Chappelle and not asking if I look good in what I’m wearing… along with my ability to grin at very, very inappropriate things.
But when we disagree, I think they’d rather I just shrug and smile or — better yet! — be magically persuaded to their point of view. Like, now. Right now. Before I take exception or cock an eyebrow or simply say, “Wha?!”
Oops.
The quote I hear most often?
“Can we just drop it?”
And granted, as I get older, I’m learning to do that more and more, but I don’t think I’ll ever get really good at putting down my Nerf Bat to concede that Cory Stillman isn’t a bum or The West Wing isn’t a pander-fest or that it’s okay to call women “bitches” or that Jewel can actually sing.
Or, you know, not pushing questions like, “Why are you so terrified of trusting anyone?” or “Why are you still looking for a perfect woman?”
Because, you know… I’d like to know.
I must say that I rarely argue with my female friends. And it’s not because we don’t ever disagree. It’s more likely because we tend to veer from topic to topic so quickly that conflict falls by the wayside in favour of a new idea or a total conversational switch. Not to mention that the whole sexual chemistry thing is absent, so I’m less charged in the way I communicate. Or is it bigger than that?
Am I actually a really lame episode of Moonlighting?
Or a Meg Ryan movie?
Or am I putting men — one of which I plan to keep for the rest of his life, no takebacks — to the test to ensure that, no matter how bad it gets (I get), they’re still going to be there?
Yeah.
Because the ones that hold their ground and don’t walk away?
Those are the ones I love.
Oy.
I guess it’s me that’s the terrified one. You’d think I was used to being alone by now, but at the end of the day, it probably scares me more than anything else.
I want a guy who can read me like a book and call me on the last chapter before I even know I’m working on it.
I want a guy who doesn’t view disagreement as the end of the world.
I want a guy who tells me what he thinks and trusts that, when I’m done asking questions about it, I’ll get it. And if I don’t get it, I won’t stop trying. And that I accept him even if I never quite understand.
I want a guy who will watch me get into a red-faced monologue about something entirely not that important, and laugh.
And deal with the aftermath of laughing at me.
And not leave.
Is that too much to ask?
I never really thought of myself as difficult until recently. In fact, I used to think I was a martyr/placator/pollyanna.
But anyone who has ever watched Oprah with me knows that isn’t nearly the case. Or, you know, watched a hockey game.
September 25th, 2006 at 3:50 pm
Feel better because I do nag and belittle in arguments. It’s one of my charms.
September 25th, 2006 at 5:21 pm
I totally love to debate, and I wish it wasn’t perceived as so frickin’ anti-social. It’s as if debating a point equals fighting about it. It’s one of the reasons I like blogging.
It’s also one of the reasons I’ve stopped reading and/or commenting on some bloggers sites. They can handle their comments zone however they like, but too often I find they’re repelled by anybody who disagrees with them.
Cory Stillman…that kid’s got a cannon.
Sorry, old, private in-joke about the game NHL, uh, 99?
Stillman’s no bum, but he has been lucky to play alongside a number of elite players. Plus, he’s not the most tenacious defender. That said, if he could play RW, the Canucks would take him in a second.
September 25th, 2006 at 6:04 pm
You should write Lavalife profiles for a living :) If everyone was that up front about who they are and what they want…life would be so much easier!
September 25th, 2006 at 6:14 pm
Warwick, I put up an ad on Craiglist offering to rewrite dating profiles for $20 a pop when I was a poor, suffering freelancer.
I got people DATES.
It was awesome.
I didn’t have a clue what I was doing, having not ever posted one, but how hard is it to say, “Hey, this is cool about me, this ISN’T cool about me, can you handle it?”
$20 worth of hard.
I did ten of them. It paid for some groceries and a Hydro bill. WOO!
September 25th, 2006 at 6:33 pm
Ha, that’s even funnier that you’ve actually been there, done that. I should put an ad on craigslist offering to shoot dating profile photos lol.
September 25th, 2006 at 6:38 pm
Wha’… you think Jewel can’t SING?!? Are you NUTS!?? Ok, so you’re not nuts, BUT… That’s clearly a debate-worthy subject, in my dual Jewel-lovin’ household.
September 25th, 2006 at 6:46 pm
Oh, Bonnie… I used to like her, and I know lots of people who do, and I am sure she’s a lovely person. But I can’t nail down which voice she wants to use. It’s a bit Sybil. But you enjoy!!
September 26th, 2006 at 8:03 am
I think one of the points that many of us lose sight of during relationship “debates” is that the other person’s point of view is valid to them (even if we have no idea WHY!), and strong women tend to shove their views into everyone’s face, although we don’t see it that way.
The trick is learning to choose your battles, because sometimes it’s just not that important, and to compromise even when it’s the LAST thing we want to do.
These are lessons that I am STILL trying to learn.
But somewhere out there is the man who will appreciate you for exactly who you are, and I’m guessing he will fall into your path when you least expect it. And I don’t think HE will be what you were expecting.
You’ll just have to trust me on this one. I know stuff. :D
September 26th, 2006 at 9:52 am
A girl unafraid of speaking her mind. And consequently, a single girl.
I can’t believe you said this!!!!! I’m stunned. It’s so, …(trying to find the right word/phrase) antiquated?! I’m just really shocked that you (or anyone) would think that is a reason for being single. As soon as I can recover from the shock I’m going to march over and have a word with you about this. But then does that mean you wouldn’t have any friends because we spoke our opinion?
I just have so much to say about this. We’ll talk later.
S
September 26th, 2006 at 10:10 am
I don’t think that’s how it SHOULD be or how it is for EVERYONE, no way. My mother is twice as opinionated as I am, and she’s been married for 36 years. My friends can often be more opinionated than I am, and most of them are married or in relationships. I just don’t seem to go about it the right way — either that or I have opinions that don’t fly with men!
I do think people are much less concerned with how much they disagree with their friends than they are concerned with whether or not they agree with their loved ones.
I’m just trying to figure out where I lie on the continuum! It’s not antiquated. It’s just the only conclusion I’m coming to lately. Which doesn’t mean I’ll change. It’s just kinda frustrating:).
But you can come over and kick my ass anytime — or do it on the boat on Friday:).