a beginner’s guide to worrying.

Everyone worries now and then. That’s just how life is.

No matter how calm you are, no matter how many times you listen to that infernal Bobby McFerrin song, no matter how normal and Nebraskan your life might be, you will experience some form of stress and uncertainty on occasion.

That being said, not everyone is cut out to be a worrier.

Worriers are a breed of their own; they are the Lance Armstrongs of impending doom…the Wayne Gretzkys of groundless fears…the Bruce Jenners of wide-eyed concern.

They take worrying and turn it into a lifestyle.

Some of you will say that worrying is unproductive and unhelpful. Some of you will claim that the strongest people you know are the ones who don’t worry. Some of you will even say that worriers express an intrinsic lack of faith in people and circumstances.

Pansies.

I’m here to tell you — as a pro worrier and the author of this guide — that it takes a heck of a lot of energy and stamina to really freak out about things. You can call it wasted energy — in fact, I know you will — but why is it any less useful than, say — luge?

In fact, it’s a lot like luging. You face a bevy of twists and turns as you hurtle towards the endpoint of your journey — facing the inherent danger with as much flexibility as you can — unsure if at any moment you’re going to end up a crumpled ball of humanity in a spandex suit.

Okay, maybe they’re not that alike.

Still, I’m here to teach you how to worry in style — how people like me look at crisis, and manage to turn any molehill into our own private Kilimanjaro.

I promise, when we’re done, you too will wonder about your blood pressure while sending out anxious emails and biting your nails to the quick.

Doesn’t that sound like fun? Let’s get started:

Requirements: Worrying is an equal opportunity sport. Anyone can do it. All you need is a life: a job, school, loved ones, a home, pets — pretty much any of the above. And guess what: if you lack any one of them in particular — you’re a prime candidate for freaking out, too!

If you have OCD like me, you might qualify for the advanced level, but that’s like…31 years of training under my belt. Stick with the basics for now.

Time Needed: This isn’t some weekend warrior thing, kids; if you’re in this, you’re in it for life. Forget the kind of discipline it takes to stay on a diet or an exercise program; hell, fat and lazy people do that every day. And then they stop being fat and lazy, but that’s not the point. Worrying? You gotta eat, sleep (or not sleep), and breathe it.

Special Equipment Needs: No special equipment needed, though a computer or cell phone that dies constantly is helpful.

Nutritional Concerns: You will need to ingest much more caffeine than you normally do, and if you can manage to consume a lot of fatty food, that will give you even more to worry about. Cool!

Step One: How to See The World Like A Worrier

This is your new mantra. Are you ready?

‘I just don’t know.’

That’s right. Uncertainty gives birth to worries. It’s a brilliant start. Not knowing how the weather will change, not knowing what people will do, not knowing about your health or the health of someone else, not knowing how someone you care about is doing, dealing with the constant tumult of world events, not being able to predict what will happen next in your ’shows’ …it’s all fodder for worrying.

As soon as you grasp that nothing is predictable, anything can happen, and that everything is about to spiral out of control, you will begin to worry.
And then your journey has finally begun.

And the less you know about where you’re headed, the better worrier you ssre destined to become!

Step Two: Can You Feel It?That’s right — worrying isn’t just something that you do with your heart and mind, it’s a full-body occupation. Some of the following symptoms might seem contradictory, but that’s part of the fun:

• Clammy sweats
• Chills up your spine
• Colour draining from your face
• Fidgetiness
• Trembling
• Deep sighing
• Hand wringing
• Pacing
• Insomnia
• Spontaneous hair loss
• Babbling
• Nervous laughter
• Tapping idly on surfaces
• Sniffling
• Nail biting
• Lip biting
• Curling into the fetal position
• Tearfully staring into space
• Sobbing
• Pins and needles

If you’re not experiencing any of these symptoms or doing any of this proactively, you’re not worrying. You’re merely concerned, in which case, you can take your ball and go home.

Step Three: Things Can Always Get Worse.

Part of worrying is learning how to recognize and rehearse the Worst Case Scenario.

Now, if you’re not very good at coming up with the Worst Case Scenario for your worries, just take the following notions to heart:

1. What you don’t know about the situation is far more scary than what you DO know.
2. Someone isn’t telling you something.
3. You probably did forget to delete that email from your work terminal…
4. That’s not just a spider.
5. It’s not just a pain or an ache…it’s chronic.
6. If it gets infected, just imagine…
7. What if it weakened the foundations?
8. It always starts with a breeze…
9. But it runs in the family!
10. You only think you mailed it.
11. But I don’t think you locked the front door…
12. The rash is spreading.
13. Bad things happen in threes…
14. They’re not just busy — they don’t want to hang out.
15. The cell phone didn’t cut out — they hung up.

See what I mean? Use your imagination to walk straight past the peaceful suburb of Reason and straight into the gunfire-ridden ghetto of Oh My Gosh. Now you’ve got it down.

Step Four: Never Believe Anything Anyone Tells You.

They tell you not to worry. They tell you things will be fine. They tell you that your symptoms don’t seem quite like the symptoms that come with that disease. They tell you you’re overreacting.

Well, duh. That’s the whole point, Chicken Little!

You know the sky is falling, and that’s all that matters.

Step Five: How to Get Others Involved.

Worrying alone is like making a whole chocolate cake just for you to eat. Indulgent? Yes! Delicious? Sure.

Selfish? You bet!
Learn to share.

Some people figure they can get other people to take on their worries just by telling them about them. That’s not going to work. Most people have a built-in sensor that causes their mind to shut down after about five minutes of expressed whining or panic.They’re just pretending to listen past that point, and when they hang up the phone (drive away in their car, leave the lineup with their groceries, pay for their coffee, continue walking their dog), they’re going to move on with their lives.

You can put a stop to that RIGHT quick.

And not in the way you might imagine. Remember how in Step One we discussed that a lack of information or certainty leads to concern? Right! Put that to work for you now:

1. When people ask you how you are, glance away furtively, blink stoically, force a smile, and say, “Okay.” And when they say — and you know they will — “Just okay?”, do not reply verbally. Stare at your feet, fidget a little, and nod. This will lead to further questioning. DO NOT DIVULGE YOUR WORRIES YET.
2. When pressed by said friend or loved one (passing police officer, barista, tech support person on phone, coworker with you in elevator) to say more, use the phrase, “I’m probably just overreacting.” Say it with a grimace.
3. When they tell you that “they’ll be the judge of that!”, do not divulge your concern. Simply say, “No, no, I don’t want to burden you. I should probably just keep it to myself.” Ah ha! Now their curiosity is up, unless they’re one of those annoying people who leaves well enough alone. Trying to get them to worry with you is like trying to make a toddler run a marathon; it’s not gonna happen. Know when to cut your losses. Pay for your highway toll, and drive away. If they press you, move to step four.
4. When they try to assure you that they are “there for you”, that’s when you can offer them a vague hint about your concerns: ’some tests you might be having’; ‘a friend who isn’t doing too well’; ’something you overheard at work about your job’; ‘a difficult call you received last night’…do you see the pattern? Fidget and look around awkwardly as you say whatever phrase you choose. If you can dredge up some tears to glass up your eyes (only one may fall! just one!), all the better.
5. With the combination of uncertainty and physical awkwardness, you are inviting them into the creation of their own Worst Case Scenario on your behalf. When they press further, tell them that you are fine.
6. This will engage their own sense of Never Believing Anything Anyone Tells You. Even if they leave you at this point and you don’t say another word, they are bound to ask someone else about you.
7. In this way, they get others involved.

The natural domino effect here is spectacular. The first couple of times you watch it happen, you may be tempted to smile. Unless your smile is exceptionally feeble and wan (yet brave), keep it to yourself.

***

I know this might seem like a lot to take in all at once, and that some of you might be worried that you’re going to forget a step here or a step there somewhere along the line.

Well, damn — you don’t need my help at all.