What? It’s Thursday?
WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?
Just yesterday, it was like WEDNESDAY, and I was like, SERIOUSLY, I HAVE HALF THE WEEK LEFT TO DO. But now it’s all like, TOMORROW IS FRIDAY, MEG. HURRY UP.
Whoa.
Some updates from this week:
- RIP, LAUNDRY SPIDER. You know the spider that lives in the wall? Near the laundry room? The giant one? The one that looks like a tarantula? The beast of the ages? Yeah. Dead. See, Catherine didn’t believe he was real until he finally showed up when she was home the other night. And lo, I called out to her to come see before I threw a rock at the wall near him (I used to make him go back in the wall so I could pass by without involuntarily shivering and whimpering.) And lo, she did come (from putting together shelves) bearing a hammer. And lo, she did hammer him, probably tired of hearing about his reign of terror in my life. Now his legs are all arranged in a sort of mangled flower pattern on the wall where he made his last stand. Each time I pass by, I think, EW. Yeah, that’s about it. EW.
- COFFEE IS SUPER GOOD. Seriously. I can’t get enough. And ever since Sheryl made up this hideous scenario for QuestFest about coffee being outlawed, I just keep drinking and drinking just in case it happens. Because this is a crazy world we live in. A crazy world where David Hasselhoff is starring in a musical about his life. Where a woman can break up with Ben Affleck and marry Marc Anthony. Or break up with Michael Vartan and marry Ben Affleck. Where Matt Damon marries a bartender. Where Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey make out in public. Where Tom Cruise has a baby he won’t show anyone. Where Angelina Jolie has a baby, and a couple months later, her waxen image rests in Madame Tussaud’s. Where someone suggests coffee might be outlawed. There. REIGN IT BACK IN, MEG.
- I’M NEVER TALKING ABOUT OPRAH ON MY BLOG AGAIN. Why? Because I just want to forget. Everyone keeps calling me mean because I flail in her general direction, and I’ll admit that I’m not sure why I’m SO angsty about all things O. I used to watch Oprah when I was younger because she did the most kickass makeovers. I love a good makeover. But ever since Clinton and Stacy and What Not To Wear? I stopped searching. But Oprah has as much right to do her thing and name it after her as I have to do my thing and name it after me. Because, hello, you’re at MegFowler.com. Maybe I should start MEG magazine. And GEM Productions. And invite Tom Cruise to come over and jump around on my couch. Or maybe I’ll just make Eric do it. Because, you know, he’ll be sitting on it in approximately two days. Or jumping. But I think he’s leaving his imaginary baby at home. And Katie Holmes, hopefully.
- EVERYTHING I OWN HAS A STAIN ON IT. Seriously. Because I own four things, having thrown everything else out in a long succession of moves, and I’m really stupid with coffee and salad dressings, and lo and behold, I am now a slovenly, repetitive mess. Which means that all I do is wear tank tops with stains on them and tired yoga pants at home, and flip flops and heaven only knows what to work. I was surrounded by all these gorgeous, elegant women with gorgeous, elegant hair at the salon yesterday, and I was totally intimidated. They were all avant garde and wearing local designers and sharply tailored and I felt like a frump. Until one of the ladies bent over in her super-sheer little white pants with the odd seams and I saw a “Jockey For Her” waistband on her undies. Because I think “Jockey For Her”, other than being an action phrase, is the goofiest underwear on earth. It bunches, droops, sags, and basically looks like the VERY TIGHTY WHITIES WE TELL MEN NOT TO WEAR. I believe in comfort. And I believe in white cotton underwear. But for the love of Pete, CUTE white underwear. And not under white pants. And not with words on your waistband. And not when you are all EDGE EDGE EDGE and DRAMATIC STYLE and I TAKE RISKS but are actually secretly obscuring that you like Jockeys and watching the Lifetime network and eating Donettes. Because I know you do. And your edgy black shirt? With the Donettes? WOULD GET COVERED IN POWDER. Don’t even front.
Here are my random queries for you:
- What colour underwear are you wearing? (SO SHOCKING AND EDGY!)
- Name two things you wish you were eating RIGHT NOW.
- Have you ever killed a spider with a hammer? And do the words BALL PEEN make you giggle?
- What is your favourite kind of cheese?
- What one thing do you hate having to spend money on?
July 27th, 2006 at 11:23 am
1. Yellow, with a hawaiian flower thingie on the front, and stripes on the back.
2. Birthday cake & Foie Gras (perhaps not together…)
3. No, but I did put a bowl over one once, and leave it there, in the middle of the living room floor until I found a boy suitable to dispose of the corpse (about 3 weeks later). And yes, uncontrollably
4. Brieeeeeeeee
5. Toilet Paper. Because the cheap stuff is sooooo cheap, but it scratches. So it taunts me while I pay twice as much for the pillowy softness.
July 27th, 2006 at 11:24 am
JEN. YOU WERE MY 666th COMMENT.
July 27th, 2006 at 11:46 am
1. *gulp* Plain. White. Cotton. (Pathètique)
2. Ice cream. And perhaps ice cream.
3. Yes. I’ve killed spiders with many weapons. And no, but the ballcock thing in the toilet tank makes me giggle.
4. Cheez In A Can processed cheese food. ;)
5. I hate having to spend money on gasoline for my car. Gr.
Plus I did NOT think you were mean about Oprah. Those other people are brainwashed. Or something. :) Now I have to put on my tinfoil hat so it doesn’t happen to me.
July 27th, 2006 at 11:48 am
1.Orange
2.Some kind of fabulous cheese cake or a double chocolate cake with whipped cream or just anything my diabetic system shouldn’t eat, with a really big cup of dark roast coffee
3.Never. Sucked a few up with the vacuum though, and yes (to the giggle)
4. 3 year old cheddar
5. Groceries; you spend and spend… and poof! it’s gone and you have to spend again.
July 27th, 2006 at 12:02 pm
1. Beige. Not only that, beige granny panties.
2. Ice cream, preferably peppermint chip with hot fudge sauce. And…a popcorn.
3. Not with a hammer, but with many other things. Yes! (hee hee hee). My mother once killed a snake with a can of cranberry sauce.
4. Fresh mozzarella.
5. Appliance repairs. Damn appliances.
July 27th, 2006 at 1:29 pm
1. Skimpy black bikinis.
2. Chocolate and coffee, definitely together.
3. I once killed a spider with disinfectant. It was so traumatic, it put me off killing spiders.
4. I’m lactose intolerant.
5. Cable television.
I hate Oprah.
July 27th, 2006 at 1:46 pm
1. It’s baby blue.
2. I wish I was eating candy. And more candy.
3. Yes I have killed a spider with a hammer. And it was a fairly enjoyable moment. I must say.
4. I like cheese. Cracker barrel is my favorite.
5. Rent. Or facewash.
July 27th, 2006 at 2:11 pm
1. A lovely pink plaid pair, one of the highlights of the Wal-Mart special 8-pack
2. Um, Thai food, since that’s what I was craving for lunch but didn’t get… and maybe wine? Does that count as food?
3. I can’t talk about spiders
4. LOVE cheese… lately I’ve been buying extra-old cheddar
5. Razor blades!!! IT’s a conspiracy!
July 27th, 2006 at 2:24 pm
Ok ~ the new one’s that I got with my free panty coupon from Vicki’s…they’re pink and orange and yellow striped
~ fresh ripe cherries and sauteed zucchini…weird combo, but they sound good…
~ Never killed one with a hammer that I can rememeber, but I did kill one with my flip flop the other day…
~ I LOVE Provelone (did I spell that right???)
~ License plate stickers ($78 for a little sticker to put on your license plate once a year seems like such a horrible waste…sigh)
July 27th, 2006 at 2:24 pm
1. What colour underwear are you wearing? medium blue.
2. Name two things you wish you were eating RIGHT NOW. sorry, can’t think of any as i JUST had lunch and am full and don’t need to eat another bite. okay, how about some homemade chocolate chip cookies without nuts.
3. Have you ever killed a spider with a hammer? no but i killed a huge juicy one on the wall the night before last with a kleenex box and it made a huge icky mess that’s still there. killing with the box is handy because then you can just yank out a couple of tissues, scoop up the offender, then flush the handful.
4. And do the words BALL PEEN make you giggle? now that you mention it!
5. What is your favourite kind of cheese? white sharp Vermont cheddar.
6. What one thing do you hate having to spend money on? womens sanitary items!!! i mean, you’re just going to, well, eventually throw them away. but you don’t want to buy a cheap brand because then they don’t stick where they’re supposed to stick and not stick where they’re supposed to not stick. oh, you know what i mean!
July 27th, 2006 at 2:42 pm
1. red and white stripes
2. MANGO and MORE MANGO (on a mango kick at the moment)
3. No, but with many other items. Mostly shoes or just tissue. WOrst thing is when they crunch.
4. smoked gouda. On Raincoast cranberry hazelnut crackers. Mmmmm/
5. strata fee. Grump.
July 27th, 2006 at 3:01 pm
1. Um, I’m wearing my bathing suit under my clothes. No I haven’t gone swimming today. Is that weird?
2. a Big Mac and a Japanese Tonkatsu meal. (not together)
3. Nope.
4. I love aged white cheddar.
5. Car payments. Eugh.
July 27th, 2006 at 3:29 pm
Oh yes, I’ve been reminded to answer my own damn questions.
1. Green, with lacy bits.
2. A giant plate of fresh french fries with aioli mayo, and perhaps a chocolate milkshake.
3. No, but’ve seen it. I killed one with a Kermit the Frog doll once. And Ball Peen? Giggles galore.
4. I love parmesano reggiano and blue cheese with green apple and I also have this weird love for havarti.
5. Transportation. It IRRITATES ME. And prescriptions.
July 27th, 2006 at 3:42 pm
1. turquoisy blue stripes
2. chicken empanadas from Zengo (my favorite restaurant in Denver) and juicy sweet freshly picked pineapple
3. no, but, SHIVER, i went at one the other day with a papertowel and ZILLIONS of little baby spiders swirmed off of it. ball peen does make me laugh.
4. oooh, cheese is my kryptonite… i love it, all of it, except bleu and gorgonzola… all other cheeses…swooon
5. insurance
July 27th, 2006 at 4:43 pm
666? Creeeeeepy…
Also, A tip I just remembered I’d forgotten!
I read an article about the making of Arachnophobia that included the tidbit that a spider’s tastebuds are on its feet - and they HATE Lemon Pledge. So the filmmakers sprayed the edge of the trails they wanted the spiders to take with the stuff, thus guiding the creepy beasties in the right direction.
Three guesses what my apartment smells like for 2 weeks after I see a spider in the vicinity…
July 27th, 2006 at 4:52 pm
1. Peach. Velvet in the front, mesh in the back. Not sure how that sort of thing passed Inspector 39 or what I could have been thinking when I bought it, but there it is, and lo, I am wearing it today.
2. Cinnamon roll and frosting. Normally that would count as one, but I’m talking A LOT of frosting.
3. No, and let’s stop talking about spiders right now. And yes. Peen. Heh heh.
4. I love all cheese, and I’m really into provolone these days, but on any given day I’ll brake for creamy silky goat cheese.
5. I hate spending money on food. I can fill up just as easy on cereal as on expensive stuff, and it all comes out the same, so why bother? Food should be free. Like healthcare.
July 27th, 2006 at 5:21 pm
1. Melon, Hanes for Her, inexpensive and oh so soft.
2. Cabernet with a scrumptious chocolate raspberry dessert.
3. Does a tennis racket count(with a Ball)?
4. Blue, blue, blue, blue cheese
5. Anything to do with the car, a necessary but expensive evil.
It is only Thursday? Whew!
Oprah harpO
July 27th, 2006 at 6:05 pm
1. white.
2. a gyro and a greek salad.
3. no but i did use my black and decker power screwdriver to kill a spider once.
3.5. yes, ball peen always makes me laugh. :)
4. i love cheese… i am an equal opportunity cheese lover. i love all cheese. even the stinky kinds.
5. my IRS bill.
July 27th, 2006 at 6:34 pm
1. I am wearing extra special white boxers with the CIA logo printed all over it in blue. Not only that, but there are more copies of the logo that you can’t see in the light, because they glow in the dark. Bought ’specially for me in the top secret CIA store in the CIA building that only special people can get in to. Yes, you know you’re jealous.
2. Good champagne and a burrito from Macho Taco downtown. Maybe not at the same time. I prefer my burritos with Coke in the glass bottle.
3. Oh yes, many times. Hammers, toilet paper, knives, my foot…
And the words Ball Peen make me want to say “isss”. Ball. Peen. Iss. HA!
4. I’m not a huge cheese fan, except on pizza. Or the shredded cheddar that’s kind of warm that you get at salad bars. So gross but so, so good. Especially when sprinkled in chicken noodle soup.
5. Things you just end up using all of anyway. Like valve oil. Especially in this heat, when my trumpets gobble the stuff as if it were liquor and my horns were frat boys that had just turned 21.
July 27th, 2006 at 6:45 pm
oh my GOD. i’m such an idiot. thanks to tec i just figured out that harpo is oprah backwards. i was wondering why you said gem productions. oh just kill me for all my stupidity. doh!!!
July 27th, 2006 at 8:44 pm
First of all, I cannot BELIEVE that Eric is coming to visit you and I am so jealous I may acutely be turning a bit green.
Now – the undies – stripped (black, orange, green, and blue)
I wish I were eating the pheasant ravioli from D’Amico Cucina (Minneapolis) and that chocolate cake with the chocolate sauce baked right inside it so when you stab it with your fork it runs all over your plate (and the accompanying ice cream).
No killing of any freak-ass spiders, but ball peen is VERY funny.
I love all cheese, except blue cheese and any of its relatives. Oh, and I also hate any pretend cheese like Velveeta – ewww!
I hate spending money on parking.
July 27th, 2006 at 10:39 pm
1. none. i just got out of the post-workout shower and am in my bubblegum-pink bathrobe.
2. teriyaki chicken and fried rice.
3. yes, i have splattered spiders with a hammer. and i’m going to make BALL PEEN my new word(s) for boy parts.
4. fresh, chewy mozz. or brie baked with half a dozen garlic cloves.
5. homeowner’s association dues.
July 28th, 2006 at 2:03 am
1. white, extremely far from shocking and edgy, sadly.
2. ice cold lemonade and a honey-glazed donut
3. NO! I’m more of the catch and release type even though I flail wildly with the heebie-jeebies while doing so. You need one of these. Also, yes, at least when you use them.
4. Wästgöta Klöster (black, mellanlagrad)
5. The fee for owning a TV that everyone is forced to pay in Sweden. Bastards.
July 28th, 2006 at 11:45 am
Man, bloglines is slow, this post just popped up today.
1.none. once you go commando, you never go back.
2.latte and almond biscotti
3. So that’s what Trini Lopez was singing about!“I’d hammer out spiders…all over this land.”
4. Cheddar (I’m a rogue and wild maverick, what can I say?)
5. paying down my debt! ugh!
July 31st, 2006 at 4:32 pm
1. Gray hipsters
2. Cheese fries and pancakes.
3. No, but I did kill a spider with a whole can of hairspray once. Bad for the environmnet, good for my sanity. Yes, but I don’t know why.
4. I think one should never have to choose a favorite cheese just as one should not have to choose their favorite child. It is just cruel to all the others.
5. The stuff you need like medicine, gas and tampons. You would think tampax were infused with gold for how much they cost.