Ideology.
Someone once told me that single women hold the monopoly on high expectations.
“Forget what men want. Women are always freaking out about how perfect men want them to be, but most guys are pretty content with a reasonably attractive woman who doesn’t smell bad and can complete a sentence. Women, on the other hand, want some freaky combo of Tom Cruise, Wordsworth, Donald Trump, and Emeril.”
Okay, try and get THAT mental image out of your head.
But seriously, men, do you think that’s true? Are women the true picky consumers in the dating world? I always thought we were a little more advanced in this respect: accepting of all kinds of masculine bodies, charmed by quirks, ready to “learn to love.”
But from my friend’s perspective — and he said it was more true with every year a woman stays single, contrary to conventional wisdom — women want the whole enchilada and a side of guac.
(And another margarita when you get the chance? Thanks.)
I’m not really sure what I think.
I’m obviously a single girl (no hidden husbands, I assure you) at the ripe old age of 32, and I’d like to think that my standards (or whatever you call them) have mellowed over the years. When I was 22, my friends and I all made lists of the Ideal Qualities In Our Perfect Men.
None of their lists looked ANYTHING like the guys they ended up marrying. And they’re all rather deliriously happy. That was enough to educate me about the worth of our “ideals.”
Now I THINK I just want someone kind, bright, funny, and passionate about what he does. Oh, and if he could smell nice?
I dropped the concerns about back hair, masters degrees, height, etc. a long time ago.
But am I secretly harbouring a list of wants I don’t even realize I have?
Am I picky?
It’s food for thought, really. And as far as my friend’s schtick about men not really being all that picky, on that I call bullshit.
But what do you think? Before you got married, if you are married, did you have a list, written or otherwise?
Do your relationships live or die according to your standards? Have they?
And if you had all your standards met at the beginning of a relationship, did it really matter a hill of beans in the end?
Innnnnteresting….
July 26th, 2006 at 4:41 pm
i had a loose list of qualities that i would have liked to find but were not necessarily required, and a strict list of absolute dealbreakers that i absolutely could not tolerate or learn to love. i always had a minimum height requirement - he needed to be over 6 ft tall - the man i am marrying is 6′2″. he needed to be intelligent and educated, the man i am marrying is both. i hoped to find a man who was equally comfortable in flip flops (laid back), running shoes (athletic), and ski boots (outdoorsy)…i got close on this one and after teaching him to snowboard, he fits the bill quite well. what has been most surprising to me, however, is how he has so many qualities that i never dreamed i would be fortunate enough to find in a partner or ever thought would be important in a partner. i suppose all my ideals and standards went by the wayside when we met because i realized that he was just “right” and no list of qualities could alter the course that brought us together.
July 26th, 2006 at 5:07 pm
And as far as my friend’s schtick about men not really being all that picky, on that I call bullshit.
I totally agree.
Before I dumped my last boyfriend, he told me, “You’re so fat, no other man will want you.” (This was his charming way of trying to get me to stay.) I never dreamed he would be right, but quite a few lonesome years later, I’ve concluded he must have been.
While some women are indeed shallow and picky, I’d say it’s men that overwhelmingly hold the monopoly.
July 26th, 2006 at 5:07 pm
It always bothered me when I heard of people making these “lists” because it made it seem to me that picking a mate was nothing more than shopping for the right colour, size and style of shoe that you thought looked best on you. I’ve always thought that its the uniqueness of a given pairing of two people that’s the beautiful thing. The mere fact that I could have never guessed what my husband would be like, or why we’d fit together so well, was a real source of amusement and excitment. I love the unexpectedness of it all!
That’s my two cents.
July 26th, 2006 at 5:17 pm
Actually, this is bizare, because I have been struggling with the fact that I think my standards are too low. I put up with too much, I accept too little, I’m not holding out for more. When does the line between “I deserve better” and totally unrealistic get crossed? I never thought I’d get handsome or dashing or charming but damnit I would like someone who shared the same values as me. I’ve never has a list but lately I’ve been thinking I should have, you know, that way I would have some “standards” to work off of.
July 26th, 2006 at 7:09 pm
Could be, but I think Patia’s right.
However, I must admit that I have been married twice, both times to men who each very smart and good-looking, in their own way, tho’ both were tall and slim. (AND… they BOTH worried about MY weight, and I was practically a stick! …my mother was heavy when they knew her– guilt by dna/association.)
Still, I never really had much of a list, except that I wanted brains. And practicality when it came to fixing things. Only later, did I realize that perhaps I was visually-oriented, too. One cannot underestimate the power of hormones.
Now I’m in a long-term relationship with someone who doesn’t mind that I’m smarter about some things, and who actually appreciates my sense of humor and ability to make him laugh (apparently, most men don’t care about women making them laugh– they just want us to laugh at their jokes). He’s not as tall as either of my husbands, but he’s tall enough, and can fix practically anything. If he can’t fix (or at least diagnose the problem), it’s probably dead.
Finally, I have a friend at work, who had a list when she was in college or graduate school (where she met her husband). It may be that some lists are better than others… because I have to say that her husband is practically perfect. She is a very lucky woman. So is he. And they have two great kids. With her, everything was a conscious choice. For me, not so much.
It would be a pretty flat world, if we all made our choices the same way.
I must also admit to having over-analyzed all of these relationships, and maybe a couple of lesser ones, too. I think I’ve stopped doing that now, though. The clincher was probably the sense of humor/intelligence thing, and his not minding my being smart & sometimes funny, but more importantly, my realizing how rare that is.
If you really want a list, Meg, I’d say start with that: a man who appreciates how smart and funny you are, and then just see what happens.
(It bodes well for years of conversation.)
July 26th, 2006 at 7:11 pm
Sorry, my email was wrong, and I wanted to fix it…
Also, Matthew McConaghey is a hunk, probably as close as we’ll ever get to having another Paul Newman. Too bad he hasn’t made similar choices, because then he’d probably age better.
July 26th, 2006 at 11:22 pm
I think your short list is excellent! “…kind, bright, funny, and passionate…” These are all characteristics as opposed to physical traits. Surely there needs to be some physical spark, but the enjoyment of another person goes well below the surface. Besides, while our exteriors are bound to diminish, our souls are just being made better by loving and being loved by another person.
I don’t think you’re being picky at all. I think most women have a pretty good idea what they want and need because, from a young age, you begin to dream about it. Whereas, we as males, wander clueless to the fact that it matters until someone asks (usually in a frustrated way) “What DO you want??!!” It is at that point you will find, indeed, it is the men that are picky.
July 27th, 2006 at 8:33 am
I was always attracted to very tall, well-built (especially shoulders) guys with long blonde hair and facial hair, but I married a guy who is less than 6′ tall, not a bodybuilder, and bald. (I did get the facial hair, though!) Why? Kind, funny, passionate, intelligent…and he loved me as much as I loved him.
July 27th, 2006 at 11:57 am
I think you should add “short” to your short list. Back in the day, Woody Allen was considered a sex symbol. Well…bad example. But think about it, huh?
July 27th, 2006 at 2:32 pm
love this subject… when i was younger it was all about looks and sex appeal. i married a great looking guy at 27. he couldn’t hold down a job or stay off drugs. or, for that matter, stay clean long enough to father a child. divorced him and immediately got pregnant by even greater looking guy. never married, he died, here i am at 44 with a 7yo son. at this point i’d like someone older with a good job and insurance, maybe an IRA or a 401(k). it would be great if he could cook but i’d settle for not broke. someone with a sense of humor and sarcasm is a must! and of course someone who likes kids (but not TOO MUCH!). gee, am i too picky too?
July 27th, 2006 at 6:13 pm
does he have a job?
does he have a pulse?
is he straight?
that’s just about my dream man.
September 11th, 2006 at 11:02 am
I should really try and read your blog more than once a month or two.
Anyway, around the time the current relationship hit the 2 year mark, I managed to dig out one of those old silly lists I made. Turns out my wonderful boy does fit the 5 top “requirements”: easy to talk to, nice face, likes animals, shows he cares, sense of humor. I think now I’d add to that “I can be myself around him with no qualms”.