What the hell do you mean “feels like”?
Oy. The heat. It says it’s only going to get to 27 C today, which is around 80 F. But then, underneath that, LIKE AN AFTERTHOUGHT, it says it’s going to FEEL LIKE 33 C, which is 90 F.
Why is it going to feel like that? Because it’s going to be humid like a car salesman’s armpit, that’s why.
And I’m going to enjoy it here at my desk.
The AC in our office was turned off all weekend, and apparently, giant windows and no AC results in some serious, unabashed cubicle cookage. I’m drinking really hot coffee in the hopes that my body temperature will equalize with the external air, or that my buzz will be so significant that I will cease to exist in a state where I experience temperature.
It’s bad enough that I slept for about two hours last night, in between sweating like a mint julep glass and flinging my body around looking for a cool, unwarmed patch of sheet. At 2 am, I got up to get some ice cubes to chill my tomato-esque face down a bit, and as soon as I touched one to my skin, it melted like a glob of cotton candy.
Our apartment actually got HOTTER during the course of the nocturnal hours, which seems unfair and improbable and untoward.
I was so restless that, when I finally tugged myself from bed at 6:15 (those additional, post-alarm 15 minutes being THE ONLY TRUE SLEEP I GOT) and looked in the mirror, I was CROSSEYED. Apparently my eyes were flinging themselves about looking for a cooler spot on my face.
“Let’s try her chin! It seems less warm!”
“I think there’s a patch of paler skin behind her ear.”
“Ew! Who has a sweaty CHIN?!”
Yeah.
It took alternating mouthwash and grapefruit juice to shock my body into some sort of coherent state, and by that point, I was puckering like cheap seconds on the Gap sale rack.
On the way to work, I was forced to hold the overhead bar for dear life while the driver played Whack-A-Mole with the brakes and sent us flying about like flakes in a snowglobe. Which I would have been HAPPY to be, since that would have made me, at the very least, FAKE FROZEN.
Everyone looked so self-conscious about how sweaty their underarms may or may not have been (Mine were not! Thank you, Secret Platinum Invisible!) that they didn’t even seem to notice that they were inches away from going through the windshield.
But I got here.
And it’s friggin’ warm.
And I’m a bit dehydrated, which is making the caffeine work EVEN BETTER.
Which is making me capitalize far more.
So:
- How hot is it where you are?
- How does this make you feel?
- If you could be anywhere right now, doing anything, where would you be, and what would you be up to?
- Should I try and finish staining the shelves today? Or will this make me want to claw at my own face with rosewood-hued hands?
- Can you please bring me a really big iced latte?
- WHY NOT?
- SERIOUSLY, WHY NOT?
- Do you think if I bought some of that Icy Hot stuff that they use on athletes — the stuff that makes you feel like you are lying on dry ice — and rubbed it all over my head, I could keep cool at night?
- I have not splurged on the inevitable Chic New Meg haircut yet, but please tell me why I should not just shave off all my locks like Demi Moore in GI Jane to avoid the fate of long, sticky, middle-of-the-night hair?
- LOVE ME. NOW. Or I will totally be overly warm in your general vicinity. I MEAN IT.
July 24th, 2006 at 9:40 am
You are loved. You are loved now.
July 24th, 2006 at 9:44 am
I can bring you an iced latte on Wednesday. Did you get my email?
July 24th, 2006 at 10:34 am
1. 103F at 10am and no, I do not know it in C becuase I am a lazy american
2. Dizzy. Naseous. The heat is so bad I get a sick headache just going outside. But atleast I don’t have crushing humidity…yet.
3. I would either be: hiking in Tahoe to a luxurous hidden lake and basking in the coolness or sitting in a cafe in Spain sipping cold bottled water and loving my life.
4. Depends. Do you even have air conditioning? If you don’t that will make the fumes from the stain hover and stick to you like glue. You will wind up hating life.
5. If I were even near Canada I totally would.
6. BECAUSE I LIVE IN RENO.
7. BECAUSE I SERIOUSLY DO NOT HAVE THE MONEY, OR ANY MONEY FOR THAT MATTER, TO FLY UP THERE AND BRING IT TO YOU.
8. I don’t know. I think it might burn.
9. Wear your hair up in a bun at night because come winter when it is negative degrees outside and all you have is a sparse half inch of peach fuzz covering your head you will be sad. Or not. You could spike it all out and wear hats.
10. I love you but not in that way. And I dare you to overly warm my vicinity. You would pass out just trying to make it here.
July 24th, 2006 at 11:13 am
1 - Techinically 84, but “feels like” 88. According to me, it feels like 94.
2 - It makes me feel very crabby.
3 - On the beach, with a very cold drink, people watching, reading a trashy novel, contemplating whether to swim or nap, and making plans with husband over where to eat (out, with wine) dinner.
4 - Shelves? Sweat and rosewood stain, not pretty.
5 - No, sorry.
6 - I am at work and I refuse to leave the A/C unless there is a swim in it for me.
7 - Because it is hot enough to make my feet sweat. Feet sweat, also not pretty.
8- No, try spritzing the sheets with water and using a fan. Dont they have Air conditioning up there?
9 - I am trying to think of a good reason to not cut all of mine off as well.
10 - It is WAY too hot for that right now.
July 24th, 2006 at 11:26 am
I live by the beach. I pay extra for the beach. I get a nice cool breeze from the ocean. Right? Wrong? The house is an evil sweatbox.
This is refresing:
Minty lime cooler
1/2 cup fresh squeezed lime juice
a big handful of mint
3 Tbsp sugar or more to taste
Blend like hell in a blender for 3-5 minutes (really. You want the mint pulverized). Pour over ice in 2 glasses. Add soda water (12 oz) to fill.
July 24th, 2006 at 11:34 am
It’s been hot here in Sweden, but we were gone and missed the worst (I hope). Today it’s been 27C which is really warm, but we’ve had a lovely cool breeze and NO HUMIDITY. I hate humidity with the passion of 1000-white-hot-suns so I totally feel your pain (lived in the midwest, been there done that).
July 24th, 2006 at 12:38 pm
I have no idea how hot it is now. I’ve given up. I haven’t slept in 24 hours. I’m sitting in the basement and I keep looking over at my heater to confirm it’s not plugged in, that’s how hot it is. It’s so hot I’m actually looking forward to having dental work done tomorrow because THEY HAVE AIR CONDITIONING.
July 24th, 2006 at 12:57 pm
1. 89 F or 31.2 C with 40% humidity. yuck.
2. I hate hot weather. I really hate hot, humid weather. I wanna move back to Seattle when the heat is like this.
3.I’d be camping in the Olympic Peninsula in Washington state. It should be nice and cool out there by the coast. And the rainforest is beautiful.
4.No, no, no. No staining anything but the pits of your tee shirt on days like today. Even that, if it can be avoided, it should.
5.No, due to your location, but I will drink one in honour of you!
6.I’m in Chicago and I only have a bicycle.
7.IM IN CHICAGO!
8. Eww. No. Stinky. Put a wet washcloth in the freezer to put on your face. Take a cold bath right bfore bed. Curse the gods.
9. I am also in the market for chic new hair.
Summer+heat=permanent ponytail, which is why I also want to shave it all off. Gotta stay strong.
10. Sending cool, cool, icy thoughts to you up there.
July 24th, 2006 at 2:48 pm
1. At the moment, 85F. But it has cooled down significantly since last week and is less humid.
2. So I am grateful.
3. I would be at the beach. No, I would be IN the ocean.
4. No. Absolutely not. It won’t dry anyway.
5. I would love to, but…
6. …by the time I got there, the ice would be melted
7. and it would be HOT.
8. That way lies danger.
9. Pull your hair up into a ponytail on the top of your head and sleep that way.
10. Love comin’ right atya.
July 24th, 2006 at 3:41 pm
1. too freakin hot. was 104 last time i checked.
2. cranky and irritable.
3. some place where there was water. lots of it. i would be in said water. splashing about.
4. heck no. it’s too hot!
5. no…
6. because it wouldn’t be iced by the time i got to you.
7. do you REALLY think you need more caffeine? you are being a little bossy…. i’m sure it’s the caffeine talking.
8. don’t even think about it…. i am quite sure that’s not how it works.
9. because that is not a look for female other than sinad o’conner.
10. you got it!!!! lovin you right up!
July 24th, 2006 at 4:25 pm
1. 87 and the humidity is way down from last week’s “feels like” of 110.
2. Glad it’s not last week.
3. I’d be lounging by a pool with Johnny Depp, Jon Stewart, Craig Ferguson and Gerard Butler arguing over who is going to bring me a fresh beer.
4. Are you insane? The fumes will be killer. Please tell me you aren’t even considering the notion of laquering the damned thing until fall.
5. No
6. Because I can’t figure out how to get it through the fax.
7. Don’t know how to email it either.
8. I think you’d be better served buying a bunch of those flexy blue ice packs jocks use, freezing them and placing them between your sheet and duvet and climbing in. Actually, I think I might just do that.
9. Sinead O’Connor and Natalie Portman. I saw a correction in one of the NY papers where they had misidentified Portman as being O’Connor. I laughed my ass off. Stick with putting your hair up. Long hair is easier than short. And the Geneva Conventions at one time considered putting “growing out short hair” on the list of types of torture. (is that not appropriate to joke about?)
10. Kissy, kissy Meg.
July 24th, 2006 at 5:46 pm
Of course I love you; after a week of mid to high 20’s, last night dropped to 12, and it’s only 13 and raining now.
July 24th, 2006 at 7:33 pm
I gave you some link love:
http://linkateria.blogspot.com/2006/07/hot-links.html
July 24th, 2006 at 9:51 pm
1. About 27C, with 40% humidity.
2. Kill me now.
3. In the bathtub with a Lush bath bomb and one of my library books, drinking ice water and eating a Cadbury.
4. It seems as if you already stained them. Did you wear gloves?
5. Sure. Do you take sugar?
6. Um, I said yes?
7. The heat has melted your eardrums.
8. Probably not. Your hair would stink, too.
9. I shaved off my locks a la GI Jane. The growout was terrifying. You could go for a super-short cut, like Edie Falco these days.
10. I will share my popsicle with you instead of the cat.
July 25th, 2006 at 3:14 pm
1. It is 93F with 26% humidity where I am.
2. I feel like I want to mate with Iceman from X Men.
3. I would be sitting with a bunch of friends, outside, around 8 pm. I would be laughing, dancing, drinking, and not worrying about life.
4. I never advise people to take on household projects just in case it goes horribly wrong.
5. Only if you bring me a Green Tea Frapuccino first.
6. Tit for tat, lady.
7. Don’t you use capital letters with me!
8. You might look like you just came out of the birth canal.
9. I never advise people to take on new, drastic haircuts just in case it goes horribly wrong.
10. Here is some late comment lovin.