The things you think about.
Sometimes my thoughts organize themselves in neat little rows. Sometimes they line up like soldiers and address me as I call them to attention — always respectful, deferring to my wishes to consider them… or not.
Sometimes they jostle for position two inches from my face and shout things I cannot repeat. Then they are an angry mob — wide-eyed, heedless, and flushed with distress. Then they will not be ignored.
Sometimes they are like dust devils or whirlpools or flash floods, coming up in a rush and disappearing just as quickly — spinning me like a top until I gasp for air… and then find myself oddly still again.
Sometimes they are like fog, weightless yet cloying, insubstantial but somehow there. Then I know they are affecting my vision, but not my movement.
And sometimes they are like great rocks, heavy and cool, waiting to be dragged up a hill or rolled down into a valley. Then it takes planning to get them where I want them to go.
I’ve never been good at NOT thinking about things.
I’ve never been good at admitting what I was really thinking.
I’ve never been sure that what I was thinking was right.
I always wonder what other people are thinking.
I always wonder what their thought process looks like.
I always wonder if they’re trying to see into my head.
I have worked for days without rest, climbed up mountains, swam for miles, stood in the scorching heat for hours, and gone without food, water, sleep, or help when I needed all four. I have done these things and been fine. My energy keeps me going, my will keeps me going. My body, while wildly unpredictable, can be tamed for whole stretches or time. The physical is often easily overcome.
But my thoughts?
Who knows where they will go, what they will do? Who knows how to slow them down, speed them up, make them make sense?
I’m so tired of thinking.
I’m so tired of this.
June 28th, 2006 at 11:49 am
I think this is an awfully good admisssion of what you’re really thinking. Most of haven’t the capacity to do this. I know that it must seem like a curse at times, having been born without an ‘off’ switch in your mind, but I think if you were to ask any one of your readers they would say that they’ve been inspired, fueled, redirected and improved by your thoughts and the way you express them. If nothing else, it certainly beats being born without an ‘on’ switch ;)
June 28th, 2006 at 12:31 pm
some times i wish i could turn the thoughts in my head off. sadly, there isn’t an on/off switch so i suffer with a lack of sleep that defines my life. those times, in the quiet darkness of my bedroom… i should be relishing in the peacefulness of sleep but it rarely happens that way.
the other day, i saw a phrase on the wall in a store… perhaps the most famous of phrases.
“sleep, perchance to dream” and i said to my companions that i would have to change it to read “dream, perchance to sleep” if it was in my room.
i feel your pain, meg.
June 29th, 2006 at 6:07 am
astonishinly, i have 5 minutes to sit and read and actually comment. I so totally relate to what you’re saying, and like John and Barbie I lack an “off” switch (and apparently a “slow”) switch too. The constant whir is exhausting isn’t it? And even if my body is asleep, my head is spinning 24/7. What’s up with that? Sad to say, my thoughts are most usually the “dust devils or whirlpools or flash floods, coming up in a rush and disappearing just as quickly — spinning me like a top until I gasp for air…” flavor, but rarely followed by any stillness…there is a line, yes, like an angry mob, waiting, and not so patiently either. Ah, well, whatcha gonna do? All this to say, me and apparently a good many others understand exactly what you’re saying (thinking) and at least I find comfort in the fact that I’m not alone in my runaway mind whirl incessant thinking. Now, if I could just harness that energy for good…
June 30th, 2006 at 8:47 am
I guess that’s what meditation was invented for. I have an overactive thinking-machine, myself. I couldn’t survive without meditation. Nor would I be able to sleep much. You could always make up a mantra - some word you’d like to reinforce in your consciousness - and repeat it over and over when your brain goes into overtime. That tends to keep the thinking mechanism busy, but because it’s repititious, you actually get to rest while you’re doing it.
June 30th, 2006 at 11:05 pm
Meg,
I’m sorry you’re tired of thinking. Your thoughts are strong, vibrant, alive…they are you.
For what it’s worth, those six single-sentence paragraphs describe my thinking, too.
~Kurt
September 27th, 2006 at 4:44 am
My thoughts are over active, but what makes it worse is its horrible stuff I would prefer not to be thinking about, mainly people I care about.
Thats not nice to live with, but I know its not always been this way, its just finding a way of getting out of it.
Kev
October 9th, 2006 at 11:33 pm
Hi i just read your message here and to be quite honest im stunned.
And some may ask why and ill tell you why, because while reading through all of which you have wrote I see myself in it.
I have been staring into the mirror for so long just wondering why i can not stop thinking, why i can not get sleep at night, because my brain does not stop.
I would really like to thank you, very much.
For once i can look into the mirror and see my reflection.
Thank you for helping me to see more clearly at what i am dealing with, by showing what you have been dealing with.
I find it odd that you write as well as you do and as others have said you have an excellent thought process.
I say this because I am a poet. I dont know if this is true for you as well, but for some reason my thought process on paper or on a keyboard is a great deal better then when i speak a-loud.