Too much.
Man, it’s been a hell of a couple of weeks.
Just over a month ago, I got the worst news of my life — and I cringe to say that, because it sounds ostentatious and dramatic, but it was, when I line it up against all the other worst things — along with a foreboding list of states that I might find myself in as a result of receiving that news. Everything from clinical depression to feeling suicidal to taking on destructive behaviours to disconnecting from the people I love. Why? Because I would be bitter. Because I would be grieving. Because — hey! It sucks.
Then, almost two weeks ago, we wrestled The Apartment That Is Slowly Sinking Into The Earth into cleanliness and submission, only to launch into 3 days of packing, slogging, and living out of bags until we could move into the Promised Land. Once we were there, though, wow. So that doesn’t suck. Not a bit.
Since then, I’ve had multiple deadlines at work (which is normal and good), several friend-events (which are normal and good), and all the normal financial and time stresses of making a major location change. I also had (have?) a two-week-long migraine, which has made all the other events surreal at times. But hey, it’s just a headache.
I’ve really and truly lacked the space to do anything but move forward. And I’ve lacked the space to be sad, because who can be sad when you are moving into a cool new pad? Which is great on several hands for keeping perspective (can I borrow your hands? I just have the two) and bad on one or two others (there, I’ll use yours for the bad.) It’s bad because late at night, all of this dealing and thinking and letting go and wondering shows up and sits on my chest like a giant bird, nesting and ruffling and setting up a home.
For a happy person in a happy place, I’m not terribly happy.
I look in the mirror now and see something is missing.
I look in the mirror and see a body that self-sabotages and doesn’t work properly.
I look in the mirror and see the lack of perspective in my expression, and my own frustration and fatigue and hurt.
I look in the mirror and I wonder where this girl is going to go from here.
And I lie in bed and wonder all these things, too.
I don’t know what to do. I’m the kind of person who sloughs hard things off like calluses or shoves them under the bed to deal with at a later date. I’m not used to having the kind of ache that isn’t fixed by having a fun new thing or mocking it into submission. I can’t get a new apartment or a new pair of shoes or a great bunch of grapes or a new hairdo and feel better about this. I can’t crack jokes, although I do… they just seem to be more like needles than salves this time around.
I just have to find a way to walk through it and actually DEAL with it. This is clear.
And oh — did I tell you? I HATE DEALING WITH THINGS. My things. Your things? No worries. Happy to walk that road with you. But can we leave my things behind at the old apartment and let the new tenants find them?
No?
Shit.
There is so much going on. So much other stuff to think about.
Can’t we just forget about it?
For a minute?
I guess not.
And I don’t know what to do now. Or how to do it. Or where to do it.
So if you know, let me know. Because I’m not looking for sympathy or false hope or distraction right now. I’m looking for the next fifty years of my life.
June 13th, 2006 at 3:23 pm
I don’t think any of us know…so perhaps you won’t feel so alone in knowing that.
I can only tell you what works for me, which is to not look so far ahead. Too scary. Too unknown.
Too overwhelming.
:)
I love you. That’s all.
June 14th, 2006 at 5:25 am
Hi Meg,
commenting to let you know, that as a long time sufferer of migraines and a person prone to panic attacks, i strongly recommend finding a real good cure for those migraines. dealing with personal problems while under a lot of pain is really really hard. my suggestion is: ask your GP about migraine meds called ‘triptans’ . they are specific to migraine headaches and make them disappear in anything from 10min-1h, without making you dopey. a true life saver.
sending you strenght and good thoughts all the way from Europe…
as a side note: this is my first blog comment ever!
June 14th, 2006 at 7:30 am
MJ is spot on about the migraines. Life is a lot easier to deal with when you don’t have a headache all the time. I finally saw a neurologist (who, alas, looked nothing like Dr. McDreamy) and got on a preventative medication (called Inderal here in the US) and, with the exception of when I had forgotten to take it for several days, I haven’t had a single intractable headache.
June 14th, 2006 at 8:22 am
ooof… too much indeed. i too am a “can we forget about this and hope it goes away” sort of person when it comes to dealing with, well, dealing. i suppose the only way i’ve learned to begin chipping away at the pain is to go at it in small doses without any expectation of a miracle cure…very hard to do when the thing you want more than anything is to make the pain just disappear, nesting chest-birds and all. i will be thinking good thoughts and sending them your way…hope they can find you in your fabulous new place.
June 14th, 2006 at 9:35 am
Hallo, I’ve been reading your blog for a little while and I hate to hear you facing this kind of stuff and feeling unprepared. Personally, I find that every now and then I hit a sort of wall and have to really reckon with my life, but it’s getting thrugh those times that make me proudest of myself and the most appreciative of what I have.
If you’re still getting settled into the new place, I recommend sweeping this under the rug until you have time to spend time with yourself. When you do have time to reflect, treat yourself nicely while you do so and remember how much positive can come out of these experiences.
Good luck!
June 14th, 2006 at 10:58 am
I don’t know what the answer is, but you do have my love, support, and prayers!
June 14th, 2006 at 11:07 am
Maggie’s got it right- love, support and prayers. To get you through. Also? Talk to your Dad. Let him pray with you. That’s what Dad’s are for- you can’t be too proud to let your Dad help you carry those things for awhile. Dad’s are like God that way- he already knows it’s ripping you apart, he just needs permission to take your hand, and hold you.
June 14th, 2006 at 8:01 pm
I like what Lauralea said. Being a dad myself, I know that he’s hurting for you in an indescribable way. I suspect that since he’s your dad, he is not unlike you in the fact that he’ll be happy to walk that road with you. Remember, love covers a multitude of things. He can’t take away your pain–it’s real–but he can walk beside you in it.
June 15th, 2006 at 7:25 pm
Meg,
You are a woman of so much strength to everyone around you. You must feel helpless not being able to be that strength for yourself. Let those that love you be your strength. It can happen easily… either liying in bed and trying to sleep off the saddness or ignoring it and pretending everything is ok. I’m so glad you don’t seem to be doing either.
Take life a moment, a joy, a saddness at a time and rely on your friends and family to lift you up. Spend lots of time with people who make you feel good…people who you can cry with, be honest with and laugh your ass off with. This will be a journey for you. I love you Meg and I wish I lived closer…we could go for a martini and a good chat.
Love you!